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writes: Hi, I have been seeing my gf for over 4 months now and I am totally in love with her. She says she is totally in love with me and that I’m everything to her. However I sometimes feel that she doesn’t treat me as well as I treat her. I feel that she almost has double standards about what is acceptable for her to do and what is acceptable for me to do. She was sort of seeing a guy for a few months before she met me. They still sometimes tx each other. Which I don’t really like but I deal with it and get over it because I don’t want to be an over protective jealous boyfriend. And it was his fault it didn’t work between them. The other day he told her that he still liked her. After he said that to her she was all weird with me and wasn’t her self at all. Afterwards she said she was weird with me because she was all confused about it because she used to like him so much and he finished it between them. But she said she loves me so much more and she wants to be with me.The next day she sort of fell out with him and she got really annoyed with him and was texing him a few times, mainly to have a go at him. Then she went to see him while I was just waiting for her for a few hours and it really hurt. It was almost like she was more bothered about sorting out the stuff with him than she was with me. I just think that if she gets so upset about something he said then she must still feel something for him, right? I don’t know weather or not I'm overreacting or not. I almost feel partly responsible because when stuff like this happens I just say its fine because I just don’t want to rock the boat. I almost feel now as if she thinks she can do anything to me and I just won’t care about it because I have never bothered in the past.She knows she treated me badly over all this and has totally apologized about it and she says that she feels really bad about it and that she would never do anything to hurt me again because I mean so much to her.But I can’t help but still think about it all. I keep thinking that she still likes that guy and that she is just staying with me because she doesn’t want to hurt me or because he is going away for a few months soon so she can’t have him. I feel so bad because I just don’t know what she is thinking. She tells me that she loves me and that she would never do anything like that again so should I just believe her? Part of me just wants to leave it all and get on with have a good time with her. However another part of me wants to tell her exactly how I’m feeling about it all. Should I talk to her about it and risk ruining everything or just try to put it all behind us because she has admitted it and apologized, and get on with have a good relationship. Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009): Hello ,Please read my whole story and then tell what to do? May it is annoying, but it will tell you whole about me? I got your email and it was really nice that your advice was able to help many people. I am little disturbed soul that’s why I am referring to you my whole life in few paragraph and my problems: I am 18, born in Karachi, Pakistan to an uneducated father and educated doctor. I used to be very good in studies from the beginning, but I have lacked one thing that is confidence in myself. I received my primary education from a small school and then move on to big school on my mother’s wish to get some good education. At school I was not good at studies but was not the super hero among my peers because might I did not have much money or confidence. Finally I the poor souls who is always afraid of talking to girls finally fall first time in love with most popular girl of school, when I was only in 7th Grade. I just used to stare at her in break and class. She was very bold. Somehow, she came to know that I love her, many times she approached me and tried to befriend with me. But I always hesitated. On valentines I gathered up courage and give her card and she called me through her friend to talk to me. But instead of going I said sorry to her friend and told her tell her never to talk to me again, here my story come to end forever. I didn’t approach her because according me I am not very smart, I don’t have looks or my house is not very good like other my friends or I don’t have car or money. I dreamed if she had accepted me others will make fun of her and me that what that beauty queen find in me? I am afraid of other people opinions about me and her as a couple. Then life goes as it was going, I tried a lot to increase my confidence , I joined the company of so called bad boys and then became their friend and start some foolish thing like abusing and teasing others, I don’t know why but I was changing my circumstances forced me to do so. I even started to speak in class discussions though I found it the hardest part of my life when I have to speak in front of everyone especially girls. My heart was pounding, but I always forced my self to speak, I am happy I start speaking but not very greatly, my heart still possess. In studies I am always first in my class, but when it comes to speaking many people beat me. I was sad, why? Then I moved onto high school. There I met many rich students with great looks and great cars and found that they have many girl friends and friends. And then I started reading about great personalities who rose from poor backgrounds like Abraham Lincoln. He became my favorite personality and I make up a vision to emulate him. I thought I was ready to fight; I tried a lot to make good impression by speaking in a great manner in from of people, in my first year t high school I even first time participated first time in debates competition, but I lost. I don’t know but when ever I look people in their eyes especially in girl’s eyes i thought they are making fun of me. I even talked to my mother and she told me that I am fool and should concentrate more on my studies. I don’t know why I am afraid of people. The in my second year at high school a new girl come to our school, she is the most beautiful according to all but I never noticed her in that way. I was really shocked that when on first day she herself approached me and talked to me. I found her nice. We have same grades, but I found her bold. Then she starts calling me and start doing sms. I too become her good friend. I always felt in her presence very disturbed with mouth dry, words jumbling and eyes moving here and there in confusion. We become good friends, and then I fall in love with her. Through sms I told her that I am in love with girl and when she inquired who that girl is. I told her that I will tell her that when right time will come I will tell her name. I used to be a hero on sms, but in front of her a shy trying to impress her. And finally one day while we were talking on sms I told her I love her; she laughed at first and then said: be serious, but then I asked her what type of boy she wants? She told me that at this age we all are too young to fall in such affairs like love? And then gossip end? And then in the night I was afraid that I might even lost her as friend, so I told her I was joking. But then after few days. It was vacation during these days and then few days after she sms me and tell me that she wanted to talk to me in school, when I told hr to tell now she said that something is private and then her friend even sms me that she also want to talk to me, But I don’t know this time I was not afraid? I agreed and when in school I asked her she said nothing. And then in night I sms her again that I was joking ,but se replied that all boys do these things after saying that they love a girl, Her these words made me happy that she might also love me. But then I again thought that what others will say that why that girl like me? I have nothing mo looks. I am a nerd? Then few days I avoided her on one of my friend’s advice to show some attitude. And then one day in school part I asked her If she is angry , she said not at all but she told me that she thought I am nerdish type, but she is happy to know that I am not so? And then I again some how dare to tell her that she is looking good. I don’t know hoe this energy to speak in front of a girl who is the most demanded girl, when every one else in school was afraid to speak to her. But I had always felt confused in front of her. Then I become obsessed and start doing her sms everyday, I start missing classes, first time fail in my tests. And then a new boy comes on her life. That boy was long, smart, and has a nice car and good looks. He started talking to her {Hira, her name} and then for few days they both were sitting together. And I was a totally broke and cried in noght that why I don’t have confidence and looks and money to impress her. She still talks to me. I planned and told her through another friend that that boy has bet with other guys to make her girl friend. Hira, called me to take my advice and I also told her that some well wisher is trying to save her from that boy. On that day, concert was going in school and just we too were in class talking about this matter and then she talked about various matter and I was amazed to listen fro her that she is not in love with that boy, I was relieved . and then she told me she has once loved her relative who was four year older than her and was worst in looks , and when I asked more about her name she avoided and told me she even don’t know why she was in love with that boy? On that day we talked for four hours and when concert was going to end we both make our way to hall and next day every one was telling me and congratulating me that I was dating with that beauty. At one place I was happy about this misconception and on other side at her words: she had told me further that she like guys who are educated, have money and some looks and longer that her. I don’t possess any of this features? But after that day I become famous in school for dating a beauty queen. And then she told me about this news too, I told her not to worry? And then one day I saw her again with that boy, they both were talking. I was again not happy and bunked class and failed in test? How was not this type student? And then one day talking generally to her face to face I told her that love her most and when she inquires why? I said I never goes about her looks, I liker gossips? And she laughed as she always does? Then few days after a doctor diagnosed me as schizophrenic because for last few moths I was encountering some unusual faces and voices, the faces are my friends they give me courage to talk to her. I can still see two old men they are my friend. My parents and doctor only knows about this thing? Not even my siblings? According to my friends she doesn’t love me but she is just making me crazy by always pinching me. Then why she spends most of her time with only me in school? I really love her, but then according to some of my other friends she has high wishes , she want a rich boy not me? But I have a dream to make her mine, but then I again thought people will laugh on me and her that what she finds in me? Thus my friends want me to concentrate more on studies , but nowadays I am bunking classes to impress her and then another part of mind tell me that I have to study and become something great like Abraham Lincoln. I am confused, I had headaches when I woke up in the morning and my heart is pounding. I am afraid that if I was not able to do something great in life she and that boy will make fun of me and every one and Hira will also praise someone else.So tell ma’am what should I do to become happy? Increase confidence. it may be shocking to hear but I can see Abraham Lincoln, though I know that it is only due to a problem in my mind but he provides me energy to speak in class and in front of her. I thought about two people every day, Lincoln and Hira. My parents are even worried about me. Please tell how I can become a great man and can tell world that I even have great potentials, I am just afraid to speak in front of people especially in front of girls. I had been the national level mathematics champion and wish to become a scientist. But my wish to become a scientist will not provide me with much money and looks so that I can make Hira mine. According to some of friends she is making me crazy behind her when ever she called me in alone to sit and listen to her for hours? Is it is right then why? And what should I do? She even once told me that she likes flirting .I cannot put her away from my mind and that’s why I had turned so bad in studies? Nowadays I am keeping myself away from her and she is involved in another boy, I am sad I love her lot and I think I love her most in this world, I swear. Tell how to take my life ?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): I'm afraid this is classic as hell. I'm going to bet you're a bit younger. Not as a jab at you but as a sign that this is totally outside the area of "okayness." This is the time not to be "okay" because you're the cool boyfriend. This is where you are being screwed. Taken advantage of. The wool pulled over the eyes. Trust is always the most important part of a relationship. Do you trust her. If the answer is no it doesn't matter who the fault is with. Only the trust matters.
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A
female
reader, august +, writes (31 May 2006):
i definitely think you should talk it over with her and let her know how it made you feel. i wouldn't bring it up in a forceful way. i would just tell her that something has been on your mind and bothering you and you just wanna get it off your chest in order to move on with the relationship. ask if she still has any left over feelings for him. but be prepared for what the answer may be. she may seriously love you, and this guy just came back and messed with her emotions, maybe there was unfinished business. tell her you didnt bring it up before because you didnt wanna add more stress to her during the time he was bothering her. but you deserve to know, and you are not risking ruining the relationship by bringing this up. she needs to know it bothers you for her to be in contact with him. if she is truly in love with you and is over and thru with him then she should cut him outta her life - especially if he's an ex. i hope everything works out for you. just get it off your chest. she should know.
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