A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My gf and I have been together for about 4 years and it's been mostly good. But for the past year I have been unhappy. I've tried to determine why I'm unhappy but don't really have a reason. I just am.I've told my gf about my feelings and tried to work on it and nothing helps.I'm at a point now where I really don't know what I want. I do love her but feel like we should break up. But when I think about breaking up, I don't like that either. It's like I want to break up but I don't.I did break up with her a few days ago. She was upset and thinking back on the good times in the relationship I started to second guess the decision so I took her back and told her I should make an effort to work it out. Now I regret doing that.It probably seems like a breakup is inevitable but I wanted some advice.There are a couple things that seem to keep deterring me from a breakup. One is that we live together and the thought of sorting it all and moving is annoying. Another is I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is 10 and they get along great. So it would be difficult for her too.I appreciate any advice. Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think most of the advice has been on point and I appreciate the brutal honesty.
I suppose depression could be a cause but I'm not generally unhappy. I feel good at work, I feel good around friends. But when I'm around her its usually meh. I have talked to her about my feelings and she understands and wants to help.
I didn't understand the questions about my daughters mom though. It never crossed my mind to bring her into this. We haven't been together for 10 years and she's since moved away.
I understand the concerns of breaking up for no reason and I share that concern. But when I think about it, that's the feeling I have. There is no good reason, maybe just a gut feeling.
There have been suggestions to find a counsellor and that's what I'll do.
Thanks again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2014): I think there's someone else in your mind to want to break with your girlfriend. Breaking up its so easy when you have to uproot yourself and your daughter meaning time and money that you don't really have. But because we don't really know the real truth of why you're unhappy all we can do is assume the negative side. I do agree with everybody if you're unhappy with your situation or depressed about your love life then please seek some help talk to someone you trust or better yet communicate with your girlfriend tell her why you are unhappy and maybe she can help you if you open up to her. Relationship is a 2 way street, you have to have understanding, trust and communications. Remember to the first time you've meet and how did you win her heart and to how did you made her commit to you. Think about all those memoirs you two made, and for you to just throw it all away for no good reason but your unhappiness. That's is just selfish and not fair to your girlfriend and daughter. Have some balls and be a man.
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A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (5 July 2014):
 Hi,
You can't love her if you are so ready to give her up. I answer questions like this a lot and my honest advice is: "no one but you can make yourself happy."
It's unfair to expect someone to fix whatever problem is making you sad. Depression, diet, family history etc can all have an impact on your state of self worth and self loathing.
There is something fundamentally wrong with you, that only a counselor can dig into and help you sort out. Whether you have mummy or daddy issues, didn't get enough hugs or kisses when you were little or a host of other reasons too numerous to mention.
But, what I wouldn't do (unless it's for your partners benefit) is to let her go. If your sadness is affecting her too, then it would be best to leave. But, all this needs discussing with a counselor and above all else, your partner.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 July 2014):
 I agree with FA big time here. You have a good relationship (well, you did before you broke up with her), but because you've become unhappy, your move is to break up with her, only to find out that you're still unhappy and second guessing yourself, so you got back together?
SHE isn't responsible for your happiness. YOU breaking up with her won't make you happy. You are experiencing depression, and you're making the mistake of thinking that being with her is the reason. It isn't, or you'd know very clearly why you're unhappy with her. The fact that you don't means that if you leave her, your unhappiness will stay with you, while she, after mourning you for a bit, will find the world is a much happier place without your depression and negative energy influencing her.
You need to get your head on straight and deal with YOUR unhappiness. If you don't like where you are in life, ask yourself what will improve if you leave her. Will your life become exciting? Will you realize your dreams? Will your daughter become happier or sadder by your decisions?
If everything is unhappy about your life, you need professional help. Talking to a doctor or counselor will determine whether or not your depression has hit a clinical stage. Evaluate the other parts of your life. Job, School, career path, parents, family, friends, whether or not you abuse substances or alcohol, all of these things factor into your happiness.
I know others including yourself believe that a breakup is inevitable, but I think you'll really destroy yourself if you push your happiness onto someone else. You have to be happy or sad on your own independent of who you're with. You owe that to your daughter. You owe that to yourself. If you're fooling around with your daughter's mom or another woman, then that's another issue, because guys start talking about their happiness with their good girlfriends because they start messing around with exes or another woman. Is this you? Have you started going for an ex or third party? WiseOwle wasn't the only one who noticed that you left out talking about your daughter's mom.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): You really want to breakup, but you won't because....IT'S JUST TOO INCONVENIENT AT THE MOMENT!!!
Your indecision is totally unfair to your girlfriend. You are simply going through the motions and pretending in your relationship, and you know it! You are finding every excuse to procrastinate; knowing what the final outcome is going to be. You will breakup.
You just want the moment you blindside her, to be the most convenient for you. You may be delayed by your conscience; but the ugly truth is still there. You've got to go hunt an apartment, come up with a deposit, save moving expenses, etc., etc.,etc.
All the time you're circling the drain, your girlfriend is living on false-hope. That is so very very cruel, man.
Don't use your little girl as an excuse. This isn't a divorce, and a child of 10 will deal with your breakup with a girlfriend better than you will.
Does she have a mother, or are you a single-dad raising her on your own? Funny you left out such a vital detail. It would take so much air out of that excuse.
Get your moving and division of property in order. Which is really your cause for pause.
Sorry to be so tough on you. No, no I'm not!!! I have to, since you won't man-up and be honest with your girlfriend, your daughter, us, or yourself.
You don't want to breakup; because, aside from the breakup, moving is a bitch! Dealing with finding a place, loss of the extra paycheck, and nobody to clean-up after you. No more sex on demand. Seriously, dude?!! You crave your bachelorhood, and going back to having your little girl; as the only girl in your life. Is your girlfriend hinting at more commitment?
Possibly wondering when you're going to ask her to marry you; after investing four of the best years of her life?
Grow some nuggets and allow that woman to prepare herself for her recovery from one of the biggest traumas of her life. She doesn't need you sticking around out of pity.
What are you going to do when she does finally ask you to put a ring on it? After giving her the false-impression you want to make it work?
I'm pulling no punches here. I'm giving it to you full-strength. Two important females in your life, need to know what your future plans are. One is an adult who would be better off looking for what she deserves. The other needs her daddy to make up his mind and do what he's got to do; so she can also recover from a hurtful decision.
Well, what's it going to be?
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (4 July 2014):
Dear OP,
I don't think there is a quick fix to your problem, since you have been unhappy for a whole year without naming a real reason.
Breaking up would make sense if you were unhappy with the relationship, and had tried to fix it but then found out that it couldn't be fixed, at all. But it doesn't really sound like that.. at least not yet.
So, before you rush to the next probably destructive decision, please do some soul searching. When was the last time you felt good? Why did you become unhappy, was there a moment when it started to get bad? Is it possible that right now, you are too pessimistic about everything because you are clinically depressed? Are there specific relationship problems that upset you, that could be worked out? What did you hope to get out of the break up, what would be the advantage of being alone right now?
Maybe it's also a good idea to talk about this with a good friend who knows you better than we know you. I'd always suggest a counsellor, too, if you can afford one.
Also, if you like to tell us a bit more, so we can help you better, I'd be interested to hear your story.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 July 2014):
 there is a name for not being happy and not knowing why you are unhappy. Doctors call it Depression.
Either that or Honey is right.
FA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 July 2014):
 I think you DO know why you want to break up, you just don't want to say it out loud.
Keeping her around because you daughter likes her is callous.
And dumping her then discovering that you are JUSt as miserable when you are alone, so you took her back. NOT fair either.
Decide WHAT you want, have the NADS to figure out the reason and break up with her. LET her find a guy who WANTS to be with her.
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