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female
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*ixi
writes: Dear Cupid, My boyfriend and I have been living together for just under a year and it’s been great so far, except now he is starting to complain that I don’t spend enough time hanging out with him and his friends. Lately, I prefer to stay home and relax by myself while he goes out with his friends. I’m not nearly as social or energetic as he is. I’m happy with going out with his friends maybe once or twice a month, while his numerous and different groups of friends call on him several times a week. He thinks I should go out more often with his friends, which would make him happy, but I feel stressed out when I don’t have enough time to myself. These social obligations feel more like a burden to me than something fun. Should I make more of an effort to socialize with his friends even when I really don’t want to and feel tired? How do I balance my need to be alone vs. socializing for his benefit? Reply to this Question
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (30 September 2005):
 This demonstrates my points perfectly. There is no such thing and perfect and for atleast the first few years there is no such thing as perfectly happy. If it is not comfortable to you, ask yourself why you should shoulder more discomfort than he does. What if he went and had his sad fun alone with alll his friends.
I swear we women are so willing and even if we are perfect, so long as he feels guilt, he will complain and we will rise to the occasion even if the occasion would not be fun and is a made up problem.
I can almost guarentee that if he is really upset about this, then it is misplaced guilt for not making more quality time and not because you don't say follow him to bars to watch him get drunk with buddies. He might even be testing to see what you will believe.
All I do know is tha you need to keep your healthy boundries and continue to set limits to the blame you are willing to shoulder. If he wants more time with you, he knows where you live.
If you go out with them two or three times a month, that is pleanty. If you never did, or only like 3 times a year, I would say to suck it up and go everyonce in a while.
Most guys would love this arrangement. Go figure.
Just never accept more responsiblity for discomfort than you have control over. If one person feels anger or lonely or whatever always try to see if it is misplaced and really another Shameful or embarassing but real issue that is the root. I think he feels bad and has fumbled onto you should go too as his psudo reason.
This reminds me of early in my relationship I wanted to spend more quality time with my bf. About a month later and still, no fun time together (and me not even hinting at it again,) he calls out as he grabs the truck keys that he is running up to the hardware store to buy a new drill bit. A few seconds later he peeks back in and says sweetly, "do you want to go to the hardware store? or I can go with you grocery shopping later, but I am meeting up with xxx later and have that concert tomorrow and the game on Friday (all with friends other than me). So it would have to be quick." I started laughing and still do when I think about it. Don't bother is my answer but the I"m- Bad face his scramble so pathetic and unbelievable, it was classic. It does get better though so long as you don't assume all the give and he, all the take.
just think about what your asking. It is like me thinking "oh a date to the grocery store, maybe I can get some toilet cleaner...to clean up all the bs stinking up the place today.... how romantic!" lol :0
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