A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Apologies for length, would really appreciate help!I have a close friend of 3 years. In the past year we’ve grown a lot closer and I've developed strong feelings for him. I’m unsure if it’s mutual, but suspect it might be. We’re both 24. I’ve had 2 long-term relationships(1 sexually active) but never fool around casually. He's never dated, and is completely inexperienced. It’s hard to describe relationships briefly, but we’re very comfortable with each other and always have a great time together. I wouldn’t say 'I can't live without him'. I’d be devastated to lose him, but I’m fairly sure we'd both survive! It's not mad passionate lust, these feelings grew over a long time as we shared experiences and learned to trust and rely on each other completely. I can tell him anything and vise versa. Most of the things that make me laugh and smile are linked to him.We communicate very well. I wouldn’t say ‘he’s perfect’. Occasionally, he can annoy or upset me. Ditto, me to him. It never comes between us though, rather than argue we talk honestly. There's never anger or blame or awkwardness, which is odd for me. I usually take criticism to heart and get irritated. But with him, I know he never wants to upset me and we work things out with respect and understanding. I wouldn’t care how slowly we took physical stuff. Please don’t confuse that with not wanting to, I do but waiting as long as it takes for him to feel completely comfortable is no problem, however long that is. I'm very attracted to him, there is strong sexual chemistry there. But it's different to the way I lust after stars or a crush. I don’t look at him and think “he’s hot”, I think “I wouldn’t change anything about him for the world”. I’m not talking about fireworks or an “I must have you now!” feeling, but seeing him (or even his picture) makes me smile and just feel genuinely happy. When he hugs or puts his arm around me it just feels right. That sounds soppy, but I can't describe it any other way.We’re both starting careers, our lives are hectic. But we make time for each other. Truthfully, if we started a relationship the practical changes wouldn’t be huge. But I know he’s keen to focus on making things happen career-wise. Saying that, I've been giving him signals for a while now, and I think it really could be mutual from his behaviour and what he’s said. But this could harm our friendship if it doesn’t work out or I’m wrong. The main thing for me is not taking the risk unless this is the real deal. Do you think what I’ve described could be something very special and ‘once in a lifetime’, or am I being naïve? I’ve been thinking about this, even trying to talk myself out it for a year, but do believe I’m in love with him. I know I'd put him before myself. I’d really appreciate help from an older, wiser person, as I’m worried about ruining what we have, and scared of being hurt, or worse hurting him. I know I’m young, and could easy get carried away or not see things clearly when emotionally involved. Do you think I am in love, or am I wrong and just infatuated?Should leave things, and rethink at a much later date? Or speak to him/make a move? Or keep our relationship as purely friendship. After all, his friendship is priceless to me, above and beyond anything else I feel for him. Thank you so much for reading!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): Thank you so much everyone, I will definitely go for it after hearing your kind words! I really hoped it would be positive news, I want to be with him so much and its so reassuring to know you also think he may feel the same. Now feel quite brave about telling him in the confidence that it won't destory our friendship. Girly69, your advice to talk about a break up is fantastic, I will make sure we do that and would never have thought of it otherwise. So happy to hear that you all think this this is a good idea, and will keep you posted on what happens. Really hoping it will work out between us! x x x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2009): I had a 'friend' at work for 12 years. We worked together, went to meetings, would say high with a peck on the cheek and that kind of thing and I always knew there was something more there but I didn't want to ruin our friendship but trying to take it any further. We too were best friends and we helped each other through our relationships and marriages and were always there for each other. One day he became ill at work and I had to help him as I was the HR Manager and I knew from that moment onwards he was the man for me. Taking him home in my car, wrapped up on the back seat just made all my caring instincts come out. I looked after him and from that moment onwards things just changed for us. I have been married twice before but having had this man as a friend first was the best you could get. It makes the relationship deeper and stronger as you know so much about each other, all the good stuff and the bad stuff.
This man is definitely feeling the same as you. This is your opportunity and I would take it. I do not feel it will damage your friendship, there is more than friendship there already, it will just enhance it. You are in love and the physical side will come. If you don't want to make the first move engineer the situation so you are responsive to his hugs and just let it progress naturally. He is probably a little shy and inexperienced but the signs are there that he is definitely very interested. I feel sure this will work out so good luck to you both.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2009): Sweet heart your biggest concern about making this move is you are scared this will ruin the friendship, if you communicate with this guy as well as you say you do, and the two of you understand each other it wont damage the friendship if it doesn’t work out, I think the friendship will only be damaged if anyone of you feel inadequate (if and when you break up) but if you are open and honest with him about your feelings and he does the same for you, you should still be able to be friends, I think this is something you need to go after, not all girls get the chance to a great man as what you have, he sounds to good to be true, you see his flaws and you still love him in spite of that and that must be the closest to love you can get, the fact that there is nothing that you would change about him says a lot allot about the love you have for him, I am sure he is just as in love with you as what you are with him, and if you do start a relationship with him please talk about the possibility that things might not work out and how to handle it, I think sometimes break ups turn ugly coz we don’t know how to deal with it, so speak about all these little things that s bugging you, talking about it help I promise. And good luck with this beautiful love you found
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male
reader, lovelynightmare +, writes (7 January 2009):
 I've found that making a list really helps.
Put down some attributes that you want in a guy. Make your standards/preferences high and sensible, but not unrealistic. List his attributes, compare and decide which attributes are more important, review your hypothetical decision, then come to a conclusion.
All right, so a list seems cheesy, but it really helps to organize your thoughts and look and the possibilities.
Know I'm not older, just my 2 cents. Good luck.
lovelynightmare
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