A
female
age
36-40,
*il-kitten-02
writes:Dear Cupid, I am a 24 year old lady that has been dating a special man for over two years. A month ago, I found out that he was still married to his "ex-wife" but they have been separated for ten years. She has moved on to someone else and had another child. He feels that I am letting her get the best of me. He does not know how I am actually feeling, even though we have talked about this. I have seen us getting married--now I know we cannot because she refuse to sign the divorce papers. I feel that if I cannot marry him, he should at least give me something out of the deal. He has asked me to move in with him, but I am pending that decision. I love him too much to let go, but if I have to leave with my dignity, I will take his with me also. Please help?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): I was married for 7 yrs. and have two children (both are minors). We both lived in Florida. We tried but our marriage didn't work. I came to NJ 2 yrs. ago and have been living with someone, have a child and purchased a house with that person. My wife and I plan to file for divorce now. We have no assets together. I'm concerned that she may come after my house - Is that a possibility? Also, is it better for her to file divorce or me? I also want to see my children (not every other week because I couldn't afford that, but three or four times per year for longer period). Is that possible?
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (31 July 2008):
 She doesn't need to sign the papers, that just makes it easier and faster.
But with 10 years and her living with someone else divorce should be easy to arrange and if he really wanted to marry again he would have settled this long ago.
But he hasn't. Wonder why not. Could it be because still being married is a handy excuse not to get married again?
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (31 July 2008):
 I would think that a desire to salvage your self-respect would have already given you enough motivation to cut this guy and his heavy baggage loose like so much redundant ballast.
Honey, no one on this forum can do the heavy lifting for you.
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A
female
reader, lil-kitten-02 +, writes (31 July 2008):
lil-kitten-02 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I thank you all for answering my questions. Yes, I met the wife one night when she came into my face telling me she was the ''Lady Of The House''. her own boyfriend/child's father was standing by the street. I admit that I am hurt, but I want him to stand up to her and do something. I have forgiven him for hiding that detail, I feel that he is trying to commit by asking me to move in, but I want to approach him and find out his motives. Yes, marriage may be a piece of paper, but all I see is that she got a hold on him. Faithful answerers, help me help him sever his ties!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): So if you have been dating this man for two years and you just recently found out he is married but separated, then that means he has been 'lying' to you all along, doesn't it. Like Wild Thaing and Eyes, pointed out...something is really amiss here. How can you ever believe a man who has done this to you. How many other little fibs and lies have you been told, along the way? Makes you wonder, doesn't it? If he has/had been stringing you and his wife along for TWO years...and she's refusing a divorce, is it possible, he's stung her pretty good, too and she's lashing out? As Wild asked you, have you met this ex and her other man..or are you just believing what your bf is telling you? Think girl--I would be questioning this man's character and opening your eyes..if I were you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): Let me just say that as a 16 yr old girl...if my mother would've listened to some of the people on here, I wouldn't have been born, neither would my brother have been, nor would my mom have been with the love of her life for 19 yrs. His (now) ex-wife also held on to those papers also and threatened him with poisoning the children and his familys mind against him..(and frm what I read in this post it seems he has children with her). Sometimes people are just afraid of losing the things they had, perhaps her boyfriend is in this kind of situation and well maybe after his first wife and all the trouble it caused may not see the point of marraige anymore and didn't think of it with her. Yes, he should have told her, but sometimes as human beings we are in fear of losing someone we love because of our past. It is clear that he is no longer with her...so should a piece of paper matter?
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (30 July 2008):
Indeed, I agree with eyeswideopen. Your man's story does not pass the smell test.
Have you met his supposed ex-wife? Are you sure your man isn't still living a married life?
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A
female
reader, bemused +, writes (30 July 2008):
 Hi hun
Something troubling here. You mention you have been with this man for two years now. This is something pretty major that he omitted...do you not think..the fact he was married. Not a good start to my way of thinking..obviously not a lot of intimacy/ communication or you would have known about this.
Now that you have found out, you are, understandably upset..who would not be. You feel that he owes you something out of the deal...are you talking financial or an increased commitment.
If you are talking financial, that would make me question your motives in this whole thing. Again, I could be off the mark here. You feel you have wasted two years in a situation which could have led to marriage. You have. This special man as you call him has not been honest with you and has put you into a bit of a spot.
Your dignity should still be intact, you were not the one who acted less than honest here. Perhaps this man did not know you entertained hopes of marriage and to him the offer of living together would have been, in his eyes, commitment.
Now you have two choices. If a husband is what you wish for, I am afraid you will have to let this relationship go.
You could, perhaps accept the situation on his terms but it would be on his terms and I think you would be compromising yourself.
If you say you want something out of what could soon be a defunct relationship and you somehow sacrificed your earning power and career, there may be something to this. A lawyer could help here.
Sorry that your dreams of happiness have come to this.
Best wishes and good luck hun.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 July 2008):
 There is no way on God's green earth that she can hold up a divorce for 10 years by not signing the papers, not in these United States. Something smells very fishy here. Tell your boyfriend to piss or get off the pot.
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A
female
reader, squirshy  +, writes (30 July 2008):
 Hi just in respose to your question. Its sounds to me like ye both have a very solid relationship. while his ex wife still clings to something that is only a piece of paper and let me remind u marriage is only a piece of paper!!! both yours and your partners life shouldnt rely on marriage to make this work... in my opinion love is the most important thing and who needs marriage to prove love for each other!! love is all about seeing a person in the morning and seein them at night and still loving them u dont need a wedding to show how much u love a person!! I think if hes asked u to move him with him u should give it a shot if u dont u'l have regrets!! forget the marriage and concentrate on building a loving and highly commited relationship and stop stressing yourself that u dont need to be! i hope this helps :)
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (30 July 2008):
 I'm no legal expert, but I believe that after that long a separation and with her having a child by another man, he can secure a divorce whether she agrees or not.
Tell him that he may be older, but you're more old-fashioned, and you won't settle for less than a real marriage. You want to go with him to discuss his divorce with a lawyer, and once he's divorced THEN you'll move in with him and the two of you can get married. Let him know how you feel, and that this is a deal breaker for you. Don't tell him this up front, but if the lawyer says that divorce is impossible (I don't think this is the case, but I'm not trained in the law either), then you'll have to decide whether you want to stick with him or not. But the TWO of you should go see the lawyer together for the discussion.
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