A
female
age
51-59,
*g11968
writes:In December, my husband whom I love very much, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly...We lived in another state, and I've since relocated back to my home town, where I'm staying with my parents for a couple more weeks before I move into my new home..Before I came back here, an old "casual" friend/boyfriend of mine from probably 25 yrs ago, ran into both my sister and my mother, who both told him what had happened. He insisted to them that if there was anything he could do for me, have me call him. We were really young when we dated, and I remember it kind of scared me, because I felt like he REALLY liked me a whole lot more than I did him. In searching for a job, I decided I'd call him and see if he knew anywhere that was hiring. I learned he was a supervisor at a local company, and they happened to have openings in my occupation... We talked about what had happened with my husband, and he was really caring, and concerned. After we got off the phone, he texted me a few times almost immediately, asking if I was REALLY ok... It touched me that he was so concerned.. We're on the verge of starting a relationship, he's come by here after work a couple times, and we've kissed, but that's all. I know we're a lot alike, we both need to feel loved, and appreciated. We exchange emails and text off and on all day while he's working, and things are getting a little hot and heavy with those.. I'm really afraid that once I get into my own home, things are going to get a whole lot more out of hand..I've got an interview where he works Wednesday, and I really need a job badly, to take care of my son. There's a really good chance if I get this job, he will be my supervisor.He's married, apparently unhappily, and is in the process of getting his ex-wife's name off of his son's birth certificate, since she hasn't attempted to contact the child in over 2 years.. He says as soon as he's finished with the court system, he's leaving his current wife, because his son absolutely hates her, and is in counciling now over that.I'm just not sure what to do, I'm so needing of attention and affection, I feel guilty for considerng a relationship this soon after losing my husband, and I know getting involved with someone who's married isn't a good idea, but I can't seem to stop! I tell him we need to stop this, and back off, but then I hear his voice on the phone, and it's right back where it was before! I'm also concerned that if I go to work with him, a relationship is going to be unavoidable, but I'm not in a position to turn ANY job down!I don't know, I can't discuss this with anyone, since everyone is just going to think I'm rushing into something, or that he's taking advantage of me.. I don't think he is, I really feel like maybe I've pushed him into it, I'm not sure... And if it does work out down the line, I don't want my family to hold it against him that this started while he was still married......
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (7 March 2007):
 Tell the married guy you'll see him AFTER his divorce. Remember that will be divorce #2. If you do end up getting the position after you tell him that (you may not) then just keep it all business or better yet keep looking for another job. You owe it to your son to be focused on his needs right now, not just yours. The loss of a father is very hard especially on young children. Just be a mom for a while until things get more settled. There's plenty of time for romance later on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2007): Hi, after reading your post I have a couple of thoughts on the matter.
I completely get why you moved back home to be near your parents after your husband died suddenly. This was a deep loss for you, and when that happens you become empty inside. Your parents are your family of origin and you need to reconnect with them to remember where you came from, who you are, and to resolve any unresolved issues you had with them when growing up, you need to reconnect with them on a more intimate level....I think this is healthy, your parents love you, and they are the connection you need right now. In time you will feel whole again and ready to chose a relationship that is right for you.
I can tell you are very desperate and overwhelmed at all the changes thrown at you, and needing to find a job should be your first priority. Do not let yourself be vulnerable to this married man who may end up your supervisor this will have devastating consequences for you...keep your distance, and I think your feelings for him will lessen in intensity, try not to get to involved in his personal affairs, keep your boundaries, you are both adults, you can set some boundaries for your new relationship.
Take your time and get integrated into your new house and community, build a life for yourself first, and if you plan to live there temporarily, so what, you still need to feel that you are contributing and making some important friednships. If you do this for yourself, you will start to feel better and more assured of yourself, and then you will actually attract the right man for you, not this unhappy married man that senses your vulnerability and will take advantage of that....keep your distance and get the job, if it is too uncomfortable workingn with him, keep your eye on the job market for another and go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2007): I agree with Pon on this one. Hun, give yourself time to heal and recover from your loss. You are in no way ready for a serious love relationship. I think you are grabbing at a relationship like a drowned man grabs for a straw. You are very vulnerable and I feel perhaps you have allowed yourself into this situation simply because you don't like being alone and you are feeling lost. Dear, you have to gain your strength back again. So much necessary growth, healing, recovery and self awareness must take place with you before you move on to another love interest. No matter how hard it is for you, you must take time to be on your own, and make a place for yourself. That takes time and patience. Without taking that time and having that patience, you may be trying to find yourself in someone else's problems. This other man has simply too much baggage from his life to deal with. Let him deal with that.. this is not your problem.
Learn to prioritize yourself, here and work darn hard at being your own independent, confident person. Remember, men are here to share our life not be our life, dear. It's no one's role to give you a life. A woman should have that well in place before ever dating a man--any man. By establishing your own life, you get rid of the neediness. This is also an incredible feeling of empowerment for a female. So work on that by healing and gaining your confidence. That will make an incredible difference, in your life. Tell this man you are not ready for a relationship, that you are still deeply troubled and try hard to gain a new foothold in your life. You need to be strong and realize what you are going through is not love,dear. It's a sad kind of dependency and a fear of living your life all by yourself. I would sit him down and tell him that you need to go it alone for awhile and he needs to get his life in order. Insist that you both just be co-workers and friends...nothing more. You need to find your own way, in the world and if it's too hard for you, get into some counseling to learn about the drawbacks of being co-Dependant and seek the support of trusted family and friends to give you the encouragement you will need. Right now, you need to surround yourself with people who truly love and want what's best for you.
Good luck dear and I am sorry about your loss. Make brave choices--enact brave actions--and stay steady and strong.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (27 February 2007):
 You say your husband understood you and your need to be with someone. Why is that? Why can't you be strong enough to live on your own without someone else? Nobody is born needy, they grow that way. You need to discover that you ARE capable of living on your own without a man in your life to validate your existence.
You say you have skills to get a job, so it's not as if you are totally helpless without a man around.
You also say you moved back home. Why was moving back home necessary? Do you need your family to give you the support that you feel your late husband once gave you? Didn't you have friends where you lived while you were married? Did you have a job there? I'm wondering if you were ever really given support or just made to feel dependent upon your husband? You say he wanted you to be taken care of. If he wanted you to be taken care of, he would have had a healthy life insurance policy on himself, so you wouldn't have to work ever again.
My advice remains the same: Go to counseling and find out why you are so needy, and go about making some positive changes in your life.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, gg11968 +, writes (27 February 2007):
gg11968 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou have no idea about my relationship with my husband. His mother had just passed away 10 days prior, and we'd talked a lot in the week before his heart attack.. It was kind of weird to have had reason to discuss our future and all the "what ifs" so closely to when I lost him. I knew what he would want me to do, if it was him first, as he knew what I'd want had it been me first. It was a given that hopefully I'd go first, simply because he understood how badly I need someone to love me, and I'd have a really hard time without him.. He wanted to take care of me, and wanted me to be taken care OF... But if it was him first, he didn't want me to be alone, he'd even suggested a friend of ours, which was kinda strange. He was so concerned about me being alone, he'd have rather it been me first, so that I wouldn't HAVE to be alone. You have no idea what our relationship was like, by any means. I honestly believe he would want me to find someone to be happy with, and I agree, this may very well NOT be the right person, and it IS too soon, I'm just confused, which is why I came here. I'm trying to figure out WHY I'm having these feelings, if it's the person or just the fact that I'm terrified of being alone.Don't even go assuming I didn't love him, I will always love him no matter what happens with the rest of my life, and any man who comes into my life will have to understand and deal with that, or they won't be IN my life. This guy, happens to have already been told that, and seems to understand that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2007): You couldn't have loved your husband that much if you're even considering being with another man. I broke up with my partner last November and I still love him and that is holding be back from being with another man.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (26 February 2007):
Your husband that you love (I noticed you didn't put that in the past tense) has been gone about 2 months and you're already messing around with a married man. That doesn't seem like enough time to grieve and it doesn't show much respect for your late husband. You've jumped into a situation that you really don't know what is going on - he's married, has a child, your husband just died and you have a child. You need to take a step back and take a good look at what you're doing. I would suggest some counseling. . . and stay away from the married guy.
Good luck!
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