A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I made a mistake and hurt someone I love by lying to them. I'm not a bad person but I did make a bad choice and lied because of my insecurities. Because of the result of my actions I had to pay a huge cost-the end of a relationship with someone I grew to truly care about and still care about and love. I lost a lover and a friendThat was over a year ago! I apologized to them but I think they find it 'unforgivable' and maybe part of it is their pride since some of their friends found out about the incident. All day every day I rethink what I did. I wonder if my actions deserve such consequences. I feel guilty and beat myself up. I am even to the point where I am losing sleep and getting headaches. I rethink the situation and try to look at it from different angles in an effort to 'fix' the problem. I imagine......'what if'. I think I am in a bit of a slump and depressed. Sometimes I feel so down and think well maybe one day they will forgive me and we can be friends. I just need help dealing with all of this. I feel like my guilt and love for this person is holding me back and probably stopping me from moving on. I worry and feel I will always be known to this person now from the 'mistake' I made and I'm so much more than that. I just feel........stuck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): You've learned two very valuable lessons:
1) Forgiveness is not obligatory.
2) Good intentions do not make a good person. In his eyes (and i agree) you're a liar and therefore evil. Nobody gives a dime if you did it for a good cause. The end result is that you caused pain. That pain led to the end of your relationship.
Move on and learn.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): It's not your right to decide how someone else should feel about something you did. He has the right to think and feel however he does no matter what it costs you.
If his trust is broken then it's broken. He might give it back again but that's up to him. He can't have back the person he knew before your bad choices and lie, but he can have another person that you are today. Maybe he wants to be friends with that person or maybe he does not. His call.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): Hi there a good counsellor would really undo the 'stuck' feeling I believe.Also try and go easy on yourself, I'm not sure what you have done. but everyone is allowed to make mistakes - the most important thing is that coming 'clean' and owning up to them is so much better rather than deceiving people for years - bear in mind many people deceive for years (such as 20-30 years) and this is way way way more destructive than what you have done.I bet that what you have done is magnified in your mind.It seems to me that the other person might be holding you accountable in there mind to avoid dealing with things they would like to participate in - in there own life. For example they may of forgiven you but not 'forgotten' the incident as a form of mild sabotage against themselves - so they do not go and 'live' there full dreams or live the life they want.This is quite common and if you really feel that they think what you have done is 'unforgivable' I imagine that it is more that they are stuck themselves - Now this has nothing to do with you.So my advice is to do as many freeing activities as you can, such as rock climbing, swimming dancing and yoga! Get out there and let it all out of your body and mind!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (15 June 2011):
Hi there. The thing that made him angry was the lie yes, but probably more that he now feels he can't trust you anymore.
Perhaps you could try writing him a letter explaining to him why you said what you did - the lie - and write from the heart.
Apologise sincerely to him, and tell him you never wanted to hurt him and that he deserves much better than that. Say that you are not writing the letter to beg his forgiveness or to get him back, but that you needed to let him know this. Then wish him all the best in love and happiness in the future.
Post the letter and wait. You might hear from him, or you might not. If you don't, well then just move on. At least you know you have done all that you can. Don't try to call him or text him - and no more letters. To do so makes you look desperate and needy, and you don't want to create that impression I'm sure.
Once trust is lost in a relationship, it's often very difficult to get that trust back again.
To be trusted again, you must be a person who can be trusted. You must do what you say you will do, and be honest and reliable and trustworthy.
On that occasion where you lied, you would have been much better off to have said the truth to him in the first place. Honesty is the best policy.
Even if he doesn't come back to you, the most positive thing you could do now is to learn from this experience. And don't do that in future ever again. You do want people to trust you - all people.
In the meantime, start believing in yourself and that you deserve the best in life and will accept nothing less from anyone.
Know that you are as good as everyone else in the world. No one person is better than anyone else. We are all equal.
The main thing is, just relax and be yourself. Don't pretend to be someone else, just to try and impress somebody. You are perfect just the way you are - you just have to start believing it.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (15 June 2011):
 what was the mistake/ everyone has there own forgiveness level you may not be forgiven just take it as a lesson learned
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