A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I lost my baby 2 months ago and i am finding it very difficult im find it hard to open up and talk about it with my partner im so angry i cant let it out because i wont stop he doesnt seem to understand this. can anyone help please? i really need some help (i was 7 months pregnant and had to give birth to my little girl my partner was not there) I Feel so alone !! xx Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): Trust in The Lord and tell him your agony. I am 100 per cent sure you get peace at heart. The creator of the universe will guide you through. Only he can feel the pulse of your heart and he won't let you down.
I am from the Indian subcontinent praying for you. I too have a daughter of your age.
A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (4 June 2008):
 Hey lonely girl , I am also so very sorry for your loss. I recently experienced a miscarriage (at 8 wks) and I know the sense of loss I felt and still feel....so I cannot imagine the trauma you have been through being so far along and then having to deliver your baby girl.
I am not quite clear from your post - is it that YOU are having trouble communicating and opening up about what's happened - as you're afraid if you start you might loose yourself comepletely? Or is your problem to do with an unupportive partner? Is he being unsupportive or are you just finding it difficult to talk with him?
You aren't alone - but I know it can feel like that, it seems like noone could possibly understand what you have been through, the pain you feel. It's made harder by the fact that the world just keeps going on around you, people still go to work, laugh, eat, talk...bills keep coming, your laundry still piles up...and you just wish everyting could freeze while you try and process and cope with what has happened. Nothing makes sense. Nothing seems fair anymore.
You have experienced a profound loss - you were bonded with that baby, loved her already, had dreamt of her, holding her and being her mummy...you are grieving for the future you had dreamt of with her. You need to grieve in whatever way feels right for you...and chances are that will be quite different from how your partner will grieve his loss.
I know that men and woman often approach a loss like this very differently - guys sometimes 'cope' by doing things, practical things, getting back on with work, planning the next step etc...while us girls may like time and space to be alone, to feel what we need to feel, to keep thinking about all the in's and out's of what went on....noone's way is 'right or wrong' - we're all different that's all. But sometimes this difference in perspectives and approach can lead you to feel angry, frustrated or even very distant from someone you are usually so close to...you might feel like he doesn't understand you at all, or realise what you have been through...maybe he seems to be handling it too well?? I dont know - I am just speculating.
Healing will take time - you need to be patient with yourself and expect a very broad range of emotions...some days you will feel ok, others you will feel awful, some day you will find you have laughed and had a good day and not throught about your baby...then another you will cry all day...that's normal. You just need to try and take care of yourself, sleep, eat...the basic stuff...try to see friends and do things you enjoy if you can. If you find you are unable to experience any pleasure in usual activities, have altered sleep patterns or diet, or that you feel low/down CONTINUOUSLY for a period of 6-8 wks...you should take that seriously and see your Dr.
Have you considered attending a group which covers grief and loss? I work at a children's hospital - and I know we have such groups running. Groups aren't everyone's cup of tea - but you don;t have to talk...and sometimes just hearing that the range of emotions and thoughts you are having are quite common...can help.
Alternatively, seeing a counsellor - someone neutral - might be useful for you...you might be surprised how good it feels to "let it out" with someone, in a safe environment. Maybe you could even talk with your partner with the help of a third person? All in all, I do recommend you seek support in some form - bottling everything up, thinking you have to cope with it on your own, it's too much - too overwhelming.
Have you had the chance to commemorate your baby in some way? Name her, lay her to rest, say a prayer for her? I know this 'ceremony' has helped others in a similar position to begin the healing process, have some closure etc.
You will always feel some pain about this - but it will lessen with time and you will have happiness in your future..even if it doesn't feel lke that right now. I hope things will improve for you soon sweetie and that you at least feel less alone through the answers posted here!
Take care. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): I'm sorry to read of your loss. Really think if you can you should get counselling or find a support group - its not freaky and you will not be under pressure - its just a chance to speak openly to people who understand. Sometimes it is hard to do this with people who are involved or whose emotions also run high. You will experience grief - which is normal - and so allow yourself all the range of feelings you need to. Be kind to yourself you have been through a lot.
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A
female
reader, chvyrdnck  +, writes (4 June 2008):
I am soooo sorry for your loss. I myself have had lost my baby in January, I was 17 weeks, my boyfriend was there when i had to give birth to my baby boy but he sleep threw the whole thing! I have been going threw this all alone. And now that my due date is approaching it is getting really hard again! And i feel alone to! Just wanted to let u know if you need someone to talk to you can PM me.
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A
female
reader, Confused4 +, writes (4 June 2008):
Oh my.. Sweetheart what you need is so much love right now. i wish you had this with your partner this is very serious for you and you need some help getting through the pain. You need to talk to a counselor and get through the anger , I know that the pain will not go away, but get yourself healthy and then really think about moving on from this guy. You deserve to have a bestfriend and great companion not this person. I want you to know that this is such a hard thing to go through by yourself . Find help no matter what it takes,, groups etc.. you will be in my thoughts and prayers.. Good luck
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