A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really need some help to overcome my relationship insecurities. My last long term relationship ended because of this after my ex slept with somebody while we were temporarily broken up and now my girlfriend has left today because of the same reason. I have met the most wonderful girl and we've been together a year but three weeks ago she left saying I didnt trust her and was sick of me trying to control her. She came back a week later and I promised to put things right but it seems harder now because now she's left once i'm definitely not feeling secure! I know I have a problem and that I'm pushing her away and if I dont act now shes left a second time it will be too late. I love her with all my heart and aside from my insecurity we are perfect together. Please can you offer me some advice to put this behind me before I let someone extremely special slip through the net?
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male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (29 March 2007):
 Insecurities can be very hard when trying to hold down a relationship with someone you truley care about. Be honest with her. That is the first step. Talk about your fears and why you have these fears. Talking about them to someone will only help you. Especially if you have a good communication with your partner. Keeping them pent up inside and trying to make any relationship work is only going to end in tears. If you love this person, show it. If the person has similiar feelings then she won't bite your head off! If you cant talk to your partner then yes see someone who can help on a professional level. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Don't throw away a good relationship when you have the oppertunity to make things work for yourself and your partner. Goodluck.
A
female
reader, Melanne +, writes (29 March 2007):
 I think it would be good to talk to your girlfriend about how you feel tell her honestly how you feel. There is probably something in your past that is making you insecure in your relationships also. Something that has happened to trigger off the insecurity. If your girlfriend really loves you then she should be willing to listen to you and work through this with you, but you need to get some help. This obviously hasn't gone away on it's own because it has happened before where you split up with someone over the insecurities. The thing to remember is it isn't your fault. There is some reason why you feel so insecure with your partner. It could be that you don't think you are good enough and you have low self confidence. It might help taking a self esteem training course. You can find out about these types of courses from your local college.
It also might help you seeing a counsellor. I would suggest a cognitive behavioural counsellor as they look at your behaviour and challenge it. Eventually Cbt counselling will help you change your behaviour and think about things differently.
It also seems like there are some control issues in your relationship and this could be because you feel so insecure that you want to keep the control in the relationship. You could also look at going to marriage counselling couples who are not married can also go. It sounds as though you love this girl and for that reason it is important to work through these insecurity problems. If you don't work them through then they will only carry on and cause more conflict in any of the relationships you have in the furture.
You realise that you need to do something in order to change and it is a good sign that you recognise this because you can work on it. You don't want your girlfriend to leave a second time so I think you need to sit her down and tell her exactly how you feel about feeling so insecure and the reason you try to control her. Remember it can't be nice for her being on the recieving end, however I also realise it isn't nice for you. If you do see a counsellor they should also try to get to the root of the problem. There will definately be a trigger to why you feel so insecure.
You say you love her with all your heart and you need to tell her this. You need to tell her that you want to get this sorted and to work through the problems that you have. Tell her that you don't want to lose her. Once she knows how you feel it should be a lot easier you can then seek to get the help that you need. Relate do couple counselling and it might be the place to go. I do think you definately need to go and seek professional help though. I wish you all the best in getting the help you need. Hopefully one day you won't feel so insecure.
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