A
female
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*litzabeth
writes:my bf and i been together for 1 year and 2 month but we knew each other long before. We live in different state; but I have managed to go see him at least twice a month, sometimes I’ve even stated for a whole week. I’ve gone through a lot, since we started, it hasn't been an easy relationship. the problem is that i never completelly trust him 'cause i had caught him lying. But at the begining of this year I found out that he was interacting with girls over the internet to have sex, then I sneak-in through his e-mail and there were messages where he even gave out his real phone number. Recently, we met at a state at the US (not going to mention it for privacy). He arrived to the hotel the day before and I was to arrive the afternoon after. When, I got to the hotel, I sneak in through his computer and he had visited a lot of porn web sites. One of the web site that called my attention was one that he was looking for sex escorts through google. I also found a paper on the garbage with his cell phone #, room #, address, where he was staying on like if someone wrote it. I was very upset, but did not mention anything, but we did not have a nice time together b/c of it. I don’t know if he really slept with one of the call-in girls or not ‘cause I wasn’t really there but i am very suspicious. After we went on separate ways, I confronted him over the phone; he told me that he wont do it any more but that I was not his wife to be checking on him. I told him, that it was not a matter of whether we are married or not, it is a matter of respect and trust. I know for a fact that he did actually made several phone calls to sex escorts (of course this I haven’t told him). The problem is that I am devastated about all this. I make so much effort to go see him and he has to call girls to have sex with just the day before I was arriving. I love him a lot, but I don’t know what to do…my heart is in such a pain that I am even crying while writing this message. I am so confused that I don’t know what to do…need a good advice on what to do and how to manage this situation…If I didn’t trust him before, I trust him less now… Things are going great right now, he is sweat, he calls me and he’s even coming to stay with me for four months. But, i am afraid 'cause ever since the incidence, it is hard for me to see him the way i used to see him. All I can think of is how dishonest and disrespectfull he's been with me. Now, I can not trust him at all. I am desperate… I want to break up with him, but i am afraid...'cause i really love him....please help...Should I break up or should I give it another try again...
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female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (17 March 2006):
 I am afraid he is a sex addict. You can look this up. I had a boyfriend who was the same. He was sweet too but he bought sex from prostitutes in Thailand and Amsterdam and I had to go for a certain test which terrified me. Of course I am fine. Anyway I remember a good website which was called something like "throughtheflame" which explains it all. You can't help him, it is an addiction and compulsion just like heroin. It has nothing to do with you so don't blame yourself, but you can not help or rescue him. No relationship will do that. The only way is to get get treatment and counselling but you will not even succeed in getting him to do this. He has to decide himself. I am so sorry for you, it is dreadful when you find someone "nice" but with a flaw so dark and sordid that it poisons their and your life.
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female
reader, Suz +, writes (16 March 2006):
I think you need to think about what you want from this guy. He is obviously making you unhappy and what future do you have if you cant trust him? You say that you love him, but I think that the kind of love you are talking about is not healthy love. How can you love him when he shows you such disrespect and dishonesty? And if you really do love him, then maybe you need to think about why have so little respect for yourself that you think you deserve to be treated like this. Be confident, remember that you deserve to be with someone who will respect and love you. Dump him immediately!
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male
reader, juttandmeff +, writes (13 March 2006):
I agree with most of what's already written. Where's the question? Unless you want to spend the rest of your life with him making a fool of you, get rid of him now. There's no other way!
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female
reader, x_pixie_x +, writes (12 March 2006):
 i think you should close your eyes, look deep down into your heart and make your desision through your heart not what other people think you should do. good luck xxxxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2006): Are you kidding me? Seriously? You seriously had to write in to a website for help in figuring out what to do?Did your mother ever teach you anything about respecting yourself?DUMP HIM!! Immediately!! Whatever he does, whatever he says, IGNORE IT! Stop taking his calls; stop seeing him; stop reading any emails he may send. Just end it. Call him up, tell him it's over, and then hang up. Or better yet, send him an email.First of all, it doesn't matter whether he slept with these girls. While it seems a bit deluded to think he didn't, you KNOW he gave his phone number out to other girls - presumably for the purpose of meeting. Are you really okay with that??? Do you really thing there is any possible justification for that??? And then he tried to guilt-trip you about it by acting like he doesn't need to be faithful if you aren't his wife????This guy is a first-class jerk. I'm sure there are lots of things he's done that have been really amazing. They are irrelevant to the fact that he is a jerk. Men who beat their wives and girlfriends often do really nice things for them and can be really charming in between the beatings. That doesn't change the fact that they are horrible, horrible people. Same with your guy - he's a jerk - a lying, cheating jerk - and there is no woman in the world who should put up with that.You don't love this guy. You think you do, but that's not what you're feeling. You're in love with this deluded image you have of this guy, and you're in love with having someone you convince yourself you can rely on. (Though obviously this guy is not someone you could rely on when it really mattered.)LEAVE HIM!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2006): Dump him - as in, NOW. As in, before you spend four months hating and resenting him. Normal relationships are founded on a certain degree of trust, but long distance ones are based on an even greater degree. Right now, the two of you simply don't have it. A red flag should go off the next time you feel the need to browse through his things - when things have gotten to THAT stage, it's time to seriously re-evaluate the relationship. You didn't even need to go through his stuff (tsk tsk, by the way), you were already uneasy and feeling a lack of honesty, that's a sign that all is not well. Why are you trying so hard to keep such a difficult relationship alive? The distance combined with the dishonesty make this a losing proposition. Dump him already. The sooner the better.
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