A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiancé plays soccer once a week with our mutual friends and also invites his colleagues. I tried it a few times but wasn’t into it and stopped going. Up until a month ago he would come home around 8 and we would have dinner together. Then, one week he had dinner with his friends and came at 9 which was fine. He mentioned that a woman at work seems to like him and it’s awkward. Then the following week he came at 10 after a few drinks. I was annoyed he didn’t give me a heads up but no biggie. My fiancé often goes out to see clients and last week his client visit landed the same day as soccer. So according to him he’s not going to soccer. Around 6 he texted me he’s going to get dinner with “Michael” before he comes home. According to him they carpooled. It didn’t make since logistically but always does that. At 8 he texts to say he’s leaving soon. At 9 I give him a call and he doesn’t pick up. He keeps saying he’s talking to Michael and his wife. Then 9:30 he finally picks up and saying he’s coming home. He gets home around 10:10 or so. I don’t normally keep tabs on him but my gut tells me something is off. So the next day I went into his tablet and found that he’d been emailing this woman from work. It turns out the two of them had dinner that day around 8:30 at a restaurant I know. That means my fiancé went way out of his to drive at least an hour to have dinner with her then another 30 mins or so back home. They even emailed one another saying - got home safe, dinner was great. None of their conversations have anything innappropriate. I thought it was weird they emailed instead of texted though, as he does with all other colleagues. I’m super upset he lied to me about who he was with and where he was, and just hiding from me what he’s doing in general. On the flip side, I find it inappropriate for a taken person to have dinner with a single person of the opposite sex, and I know many people don’t think that way at all including my fiancé. So I know he may have kept it on me knowing I would flip out over nothing. I know it was wrong to go into his tablet. I feel so uneasy about this whole thing. Besides soccer days my fiancé and I spend the rest of our time together (we share lots of mutual friends) so I don’t suspect cheating. But I am super upset he lied / concealed what he was doing. It’s eating away at me. I don’t know if I’m over analyzing or not. What do you think? Should I say anything or just wait and see if anything else happens or if it’s a one time thing?
View related questions:
at work, fiance, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2019): Hi there. I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds like a date to me. He already told you that a female colleague was interested in him, I'm willing to bet it's the same female colleague! And why would he take some that fancies him out to an evening dinner alone, driving out of his way and lying to you about it?! There's so many red flags here, it's important to trust your gut. You knew something was up so you checked his tablet. I would be inclined to not let on that you know anything just yet. Observe his behaviour, see if this reoccurs, I bet it wont be the only time unfortunately. Most importantly, stay strong and listen to your instincts.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (21 April 2019):
He was out on a date. He’s either looking to play away or looking to replace you or both. Seems to me you know all you need to know. So you either confront him and see what he has to say or you dump him. If you decide to confront him and he comes clean, apologizes and ask forgiveness you can decide if you want to let him work on regaining your trust,
I’m a “Once a cheater always a cheater” guy but I could be wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2019): He lied to you. And likely has been lying on all the other occasions he stayed out late. To have a work lunch with a female colleague is one thing. To be driving an hour to have a long dinner (and ...what else we don't know?) and arriving in at ten, all the while to be claiming he is hanging out with "the guys"? NO. This is NOT okay. He went so far as to make up who he was hanging out with- Michael and his wife. This guy is a serious liar if he can spin these tales without skipping a beat. I am betting he is already having an affair with this woman, and if not, then it is heading swiftly that way. He already did admit that she is into him. If he is wine and dining her...you have to face facts. And I agree with you that it is inappropriate once you are engaged and married to be having dinner or drinks one on one without inviting your significant others (or without it being work-related or having a VERY specific, non romantic reason). And honestly I think most people beyond their early 20s feel the same way. I am looking at my office and the only people who go against this rule of thumb are those who ARE having an affair. Sure, men and women all go out together after work in a group occasionally without their significant others, but that is different.In any event, he has crossed a LOT of lines. And don't feel too bad about looking at his tablet when you KNEW his stories didn't add up. It had to be done. I would be tempted to actually NOT let on that I knew ANYTHING for another week or so. If you can manage it I would see how far he takes this...do some private investigating yourself. Drive by her house if you have to. I'm sorry I know that sounds extreme, but when you break up with him you want to have hard evidence that he is cheating...which I am 90% certain he is...I mean tbh what you already know is enough to break up with him as it is, but if it was me I would want to know how far he has taken things. I would keep looking for their messages on the sly and try to get some more evidence. Then drop the bombshell. My male friend did this when he suspected his wife was cheating, and it was very effective as she tried to deny it and then he presented her with all the evidence.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2019): HiIf it was me I would wait and see what happens. It doesn't sound as if he's that good at covering himself, so I think you will probably know if he meets up with this woman again at some point. Especially if he emails her and doesn't delete them. I personally would have no worries about looking at his tablet to find out what is going on, now that his actions have given you reason to suspect him. You have never looked until you felt something was up. He's at fault here, not you, in my opinion. People will probably advise 'just ask him' which is crazy cos he's not going to tell you. I personally think there's something going on here, otherwise he wouldn't have been lying about it. And all those 'home safe' emails are not something just work colleagues do. Even though they don't say anything overtly inappropriate, I think the fact that he has gone a long way out of his way to meet her for a meal and stayed afterwards 'chatting' for quite a long time and LIED to you about all of it, are huge red flags. This is cheating, pure and simple. I have had a boyfriend who had female friends and he went out with them, took them out for rides on his motorbike etc, but he was always open and honest about it. I would go as well sometimes. We were all friends. So I'm not saying that husbands and boyfriends can't have friends of the opposite sex, BUT when your significant other has dinner with a woman who he has already told you 'likes him' and lies to you about it???? No. Just no. As I said I would be watching and yes most definitely looking on his tablet now that he has proved himself untrustworthy so you can see what's going on. I wouldn't be talking to him about it just yet otherwise he will know to delete his emails. Keep quiet and keep looking would be what I would do. When I find out what's truly going on (although SOMETHING already is) I would leave him. Pure and simple.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2019): The thing is I would have no problem if he went out with a friend but...He lied to you. That is not good.As for going thru his tablet I find nothing wrong with that.It's not a phone it is just a tablet.My hubby and I use each other's devices all the time.We have each other's passwords.We have no problem with that.I do not care if he goes on my stuff and vice versa.Do not feel bad about going on his tablet because since you are engaged your relationship should be that close. I would confront him on the lie.Do not let him turn it around and gaslight you.I bet he will.As for going out with a girl and lying...Not only does he lie to you so easy he is a cheater...If she was just a friend why lie? I am sorry but once a cheat always a cheat.Dump him.sorry.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 April 2019):
 Since you already did your "wrong" in this situation why not just call him out on it?
No tears or drama, but tell him you think you two need to talk and that you DO NOT appreciate being lied to.
If this had been an "innocent work dinner" he would have told you EXACTLY who he was having dinner with. OR invited you as well to avoid it being inappropriate.
I would VERY calmly point out that HE wouldn't like it ONE bit if you went out to dinner with a dude from work who had hit on you. So what is different in his case?
Generally, I don't agree with you, that a (wo)man can't have a dinner or, coffee, drinks with a coworker of the opposite sex without it being inappropriate. But LYING about it to one's partner.. is just not OK as it crates distrust.
You NEED to be CALM for this talk. And you need to him explain WHY he made the choice to LIE. (dinner is less or a deal).
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2019): He's lying. He had a date
And he's engage to you. That's very unrespectful. What else you can expect from this man? More lies that your choice.
...............................
|
