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female
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anonymous
writes: Please Help, I am so sad. I have been living with my boyfriend for 9 months, and i love him very much. Recently his ex wife wont leave him alone. She makes every excuse to see him, even using thier children to black-mail him. they are not little 16 and 19. Also i found text messages on his phone from her, although he hasnt replied. Saying how proud she is of him. I know he feels sorry for her, she has not met anyone else, but its driving me mad. I am constantly accusing him of wanting to go back, he says he dosnt want to leave me, but im acting like she did. He says i dont trust him enough, but he has slept with her once when he was drunk. He says i should forget it, it was in the past, but every time she thinks up another reason for him to go round the house, i fret he wont come home. What can i do, i cry all the time, and i am never like this normally. thanks for any help x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2007): I understand exactly where you are coming from. I am also in the same situation you are except my boyfriend has 4 children with his ex-wife and they are all young. I have been with him for about a year and at first I was not allowed down at her house when he went to pick up the kids. She threatened him that if I was in the car that he couldn't pick them up so he used to make me get out of the car and stand on the corner so she would not see me. In the past year he has gone back to her 4 times and thats why I am soo scared that he is going to go back. I hate waking up every morning wondering if today is going to be the day that he doesn't come home or tells me he is going back. I suggest that you try and talk to him but if he's anything like my man he won't want to talk about it and how you feel is wrong!!
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (19 September 2006):
 Hi Anonymous,
I think the first thing you should do is sit down and have a long talk with him about what's on your mind. (Not sure if you've done this or only brought it up when she needs him for something.)
I suggest not bringing it up when she calls him because that might make it only revolve around that one instance or he won't take it as seriously because you'll already be angry/hurt about it. Emotional people tend to scare some individuals away. I have a feeling that's how your boyfriend is (since he just said to forget it and doesn't really seem willing to talk about this.)
I think you should talk to him about why you don't trust him and what he *and you* can do about it. Emphasize the fact that you want to work together to make the relationship stronger between the both of you. Because that's what you want to do, right? If you tell him that it's up to him to make the relationship work, then that's not really too rational. What I mean is that it takes two to make a relationship stay strong. If you turn it all on him, he'll most likely get defensive and want to stop the discussion.
Ask him what he thinks a good solution would be. And if he says to just "forget it," then tell him that you can't. Maybe asking him to look at it from your view would help. Explain how you feel.
And what the heck is she asking him for help with anyway? Surely it's not always the kids or else you wouldn't be this upset, right? If something in her house needs to be fixed, then maybe you could suggest that he could tell her to call someone to go to her house - electrician, plumber, whatever. I'm not sure what else to suggest because I don't know why he'd have to go over there so often. So I can see why you're a bit upset. Maybe you could ask him if you could go next time. If he pitches a fit, then you might be onto something. What would the big deal be if you came along since they're split up, you know?
I'm not really sure how she could black-mail your boyfriend with the kids. If she says that he's not allowed to see them, then she's wrong. One of them is already a legal adult and can do whatever he wants. The other would be able to see him, too. Are you sure that she does this, or is your boyfriend telling you this? This woman sounds extremely jealous. She might just be playing mind games with the both of you because she doesn't want him to be with anyone else. Like if she can't have him, then nobody can. But then again, who knows... I don't have too many details to go by, it's just a thought that ran across my mind.
Other than what I've mentioned, I suggest couples counseling for the both of you. That would definitly help you work out the problems in your relationship and figure out how to deal with trust issues and hopefully resolve them. Maybe he can figure out what to do about his ex, too.
So try talking with him, make some suggestions so he doesn't have to leave so much, see if you could tag along, and if this doesn't work you may want to try couples counseling.
Take care.
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