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female
age
,
anonymous
writes: I met this man on true.com and he lives locally by me but his work takes him to the middle east and Russia consistantly. We had this instant connection and things have been going wonderful and even talking about commitments and we even both cancelled our account for true. Lately he has gotten very self absorbed in work and it did bother me but mostly since it was the holidays. Anyways I thought things were getting better but last night we chatted and he kept bringing up his bad habits and how he cant change who he is and I told him I dont want to change him. I felt as if he was trying to give me an "out". Not really sure on how to handle this or should I just let things calm down. I was thinking of telling him how I felt but I dont want to push things. Any advice I have not dated in over 23 years so getting back into the swing of things is hard and I have been divorced about 2 yrs. Thanks for your help
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female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (8 January 2007):
 I'd say if he was talking long-term committment, his statements that you thought were giving you an 'out' are actually fishing questions. It sounds to me like he is doing some serious thinking about this relationship and is assuring himself that YOU can handle what could be a very difficult portion of your relationship... him being gone for months at a time. I think it's time for you to do some serious thinking.... and ask yourself, can I handle this portion of the relationship, do I want it to continue if nothing changes, ie: he is still away for months at a time... etc. Then I think a nice long heart felt telephone conversation, expressing what you need, what your expectations are, and where you would like this relationship to go are in order. I am sure BOTH of you will find this type of conversation a relief. Communication never hurts a relationship as long as it is honest and approached in a loving way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell He did mention to be he does not want to disappointment me or have me disallusioned and wants me to be happy and does not want to hurt me. I guess trying to read what he is wanting and the fact he is 10,000 miles away and wont be home till early March is difficult. He was supposed to be home this next week but work issues put a wrench into that plan and he knows I was disappointed since we had all these plans made. He did at one point talk long term permanent relationship but lately he is constantly concerned if I can handle his life style.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): Hi, so that on-line dating thing really works, huh? It doesn't sound to me that this guy is trying to give you an out by saying he doesn't want to change and telling you about all of his bad habits...it's kinda cute if you ask me...
I think it may mean that he is thinking about getting a little closer, a little more serious about you or thinking about asking you for a steady relationship and he is trying to avoid you getting disappointed in him or he is letting you know he is a bit set in his ways and is worried you might reject him for it....I think this may be a good sign...but take note, if he is bringing up any deal breakers for you, pay attention.
If you haven't dated in a number of years avoid telling him how you feel about him other than things like you are looking forward to seeing him, or you are so happy to see him again and to spend time with him, compliment him tell him he is a sexy guy, but take the whole sex thing slower than you probably want to .... get to know him first.
Let him bring up the relationship talk, he will if he wants to take things to a more serious level, if you do it first he will feel pressured and you don't want that.
Have fun at the very least and glad to hear there are some nice men out there!
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A
female
reader, Lilly223 +, writes (8 January 2007):
He may be trying to give you an "out", he may be trying to distance himself from you.... BUT, he may be trying to let you know that if you make a committment to him, "Please don't try to change me," too. At our age none of us come in to a relationship with out a few scars and a couple of kilos of baggage. This could be part of what is going on. I would continue to talk to him, and tell him what you think. Ask him, "So how are things going between us," "Do you have any concerns" What are you looking for in a relationship." It sounds to me like it is time to start communication on a more personal level, and see if both of you are on the same page. My interpretation of this is BOTH of you are trying to feel the other one out, making assumptions, and not sure if they are correct. Sometimes it is easier, clearer, and a relief is someone will just come out with a straight question and give a straight answer. See if that works.
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