A
female
age
30-35,
*eautifulLoser
writes:This is kind of lengthy.. but please read and help..So recently I just started talking to an old guy friend of mine. He was seriously one of my best friends; I felt so comfortable around him, we were into the same kind of music, movies, etc. I always liked him as a good friend, but around June of this year I realized that I liked him as more..I feel so upset with myself over this because he used to be my other best friend's boyfriend. I know there was nothing wrong with being his friend, but I knew that I needed to keep other feelings like that out of the picture. When they both broke up, it wasn't very good. I can't remember the exact reason why, but I think it was somewhere along the lines of that she seemed like she didn't care, or that she really didn't pay enough attention to him. I see it as they were both at fault, but still..it ended badly.Over the next few months I talked to him randomly, and at one point he asked me to try and get him and my friend back together. I guess he was with another girl, and they broke up; a 'the grass wasn't so greener on the other side' type of thing. She said no. After talking to him on the phone for at least 2 hours, he confessed that he wanted to get back with my friend just so that he could see me.Now after not hearing from him for so long, the feelings I have for him are stronger then ever. I'm happy that I get to talk to him again, but upset because I have to keep it a secret.. The idea of him and I going out was already brought up, and my best friend was furious with me. I understand completely why she would be upset..but my feelings aren't going away. I really really like this guy, I've dated other people since I stopped talking to him but he was always on my mind.. I don't know what to do, because I don't know how a relationship could possible work, but I want to try..please help. I would really appreciate it =(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): your curiosity for happiness is but that a curiosity and should not be placed at the expense of your relationship with your bestfriend. We all encounter those moment in life where we met someone but someone else had him/he first and thuse the "see but dont touch" applies. whether adult hood or childhood, you must set boundaries for yourself. today it is your best friend's ex, tomorrow it is your cousin's hsband.and the day after it is your mother's flings....ewww. sit with your friend and talk with her rationally about what you are feeling. it may be that you are merely curious about traits and what he can pssibly bring to the table. it may be because the attention he gives you is on tact with what you want, that does not mean that he is the right one for you, only that he is doing "something" right to keep your attention.
try to be civil with your best friend about this, because the truth is is that she is indeed the one feeling brtrayed here and it makes complete sense why she would be furious about your actions or the least intent of it. if this is something that will not pass, then at the end of the day it is your choice to pursue the best friend's ex or not...but know that if you do..can you you live with the karma effect when it is your turn for it to come banging at your door.
be rational and civil about it.
p.s, the mere fact that she reacted is an indication that she may still be emotionally involved with her ex...something you should consider very much in oyur choice making
A
female
reader, BeautifulLoser +, writes (11 December 2009):
BeautifulLoser is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks, I had thought about that too. If perhaps she found someone then she wouldn't be so upset when I finally tell her that we were going out. Thank you again for all your advice, it really has helped me with the situation I'm in.
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A
male
reader, burningredphoen +, writes (11 December 2009):
 That's a good way to see it...remember, you friend is acting emotionally and not logically in this situation...don't let that ruin what you could have....give it a 6 month trial and see how it goes...then tell her...maybe by then she will find someone else too and get over him...then she might not be so irritated when you break it to her.
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A
female
reader, BeautifulLoser +, writes (11 December 2009):
BeautifulLoser is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your feedback. I think I actually might trying persuing a relationship with him. I tried a relationship with him I wanna say..either late June or early July of this year. It only lasted about 2 weeks, and I ended up breaking it off, because my best friend made me feel horrible, told me that I was stabbing her in the back, that I wasn't her real friend, and that if I kept him in my life she wanted no part of it. I'm being selfish, and I know I'm probably going to end up losing one of them in the end, but I've constantly been trying to just find a way for this to work, without losing either of them.
My friend is very stubborn and at times I feel like she doesn't take other people's emotions into consideration. She told me that it would be the same as her dating an ex of mine, and when I told her that it would be hard on me but I wouldn't stop her she called me a flat out liar. Other then that, she's been like a sister to me. But I sometimes get upset/angry because I see it as, she can like someone and feelings can develop, and she can go out with someone if she wanted to. But the person that I have such strong feelings for I can't bring up, I can't see, and I can't have a relationship with because he didn't want to be with her and it ended badly.
And I've told myself time and time again to just move on from him, let him go, find someone else. But he's always just right there on my mind..and although I might be happy with someone else, it's not the same happiness I felt when I was around him. I don't want to be lying to another person in any relationship I could possibly have when all I can think about is him.. And even if things don't work out between him and I..I want to know I atleast tried, and I'm not left to wonder the rest of my life how things could have been.
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A
male
reader, burningredphoen +, writes (11 December 2009):
I forgot to mention that a similar situation happened to me....It was the first year that me and my gf were together...she had this best friend who she had known for like 9 years.What happened was that we really loved each other, so much that we couldn't stop spending time with each other...now, my girlfriends best friend had a friend who went to the same college as me and my gf and we had arranged for her and my gf to be dorm mates so that I can come over and see my girlfriend.At first, my gf had some random roomate...then that roomate left and my girlfriend was left with a room all to herself...I pretty much started living with her and me and her were so happy and didn't wanna be apartLater on we found out that my girlfriends best friends friend had a lesbian roomate she didn't like, so we told her she could move into my girlfriends room....that's how it was arranged.....but we did warn her that I was pretty much there everyday. And would sleep in the same bed as my girlfriend every night...and we asked her if she was ok with it...we told her to think long and hard about this...then she said she was ok with it...by the way, we didn't do anything wrong; we didn't have sex in front of her or anythin.After a while of the new roomate living with my girlfriend, she decided I was there too often and wanted to kick me out...me and my gf got quite angry because we had told her before hand...and warned her. And she had agreed.We were also quite angry because university rules didn't require my girlfriend to officially have a roomate....I basically sacrificed our privacy to help my gfs best friends friend out.The girl started getting angrier so she told my gfs best friend and my gfs best friend had a talk with my gf...at first she was telling my girlfriend that it was unhealthy for a relationship if we were with each other 24/7So i got angry and told her "what do you know about relationships? You haven't even been with a guy!" She said "I have many friends in a relationship and they need time apart" I said "did you ever think that maybe what they share isn't really love? They're simply in a relationship only....what me and my gf share is true love, not a simple relationship...true love is very rare and that's probably why you have never seen such a thing."She then went on to say that I was being "overprotective and desperate and sort of predatorish because I would always be by my gf....then she told my gf that "you're gonna leave that assole or I'm gonna leave you...think about it...who's been your friend longer."She made a big mistake when she busted that move out because she didn't realize that I could sell ice to an eskimo....I can argue better than michael jacksons lawyer and make you see truth in the devils words himself....I got the feeling that after that point, she wanted to battle me on who my girlfriend is going to leave...you see, she went to uc berkeley so she would say she's smarter and that I didn't wana push her to do it...she said to just stop spending so much time or else it would end in disaster for me because she would use her wits to convince my gf to leave me, and that she had a head start since she had known my gf for 9 years and I only knew for for like one year.I then told her in private that she didn't want to try this with me because I was smarter than her and could convince a stone to walk...she just got angry and decided to go for it.she had my girlfriend convinced for a while and my girlfriend was questioning me and maybe it was unhealthy to be with each other 24/7But I turned the tables around so far and convinced her by asking her question "who broke you out of your 5 year depression? Who makes you feel loved and happy? Does your best friend do things that you like? She goes clubbing, you don't like clubbing, I play video games with you and do things you like to do...are you going to distance me because she's been your friend for so long? You may have been her friend for 9 years, but I've been that extension of your soul that, that treasure you've found....are you really going to let someone else tell you how to run your relationship or let your heart decide like its been doing this whole time with me?"She then realized that she had been closer to me than she ever had with her best friend...her best friend was just a friend, not someone to fully confide in..." You told her about your depression and she gave you textbook answers to try and help break you out of it...it didn't work.....you told me about it and I broke you out of it....who's been there for you and made you feel special?""Your best friend just called me a possesive asshole that's trying to control you....all I've done was supply you with simple truths that you can see logic in and you've made all your decisions with those truths....if anyones being possesive, its her....she's telling you she's gonna leave u if u don't dump me? Telling you how to run your already healthy relationship?"After I told her that last line, she stopped talking to her best friend forever.....And she did the right thing...we've been together for 6 years now and will be getting married.....and by the way I got her a kitten for christmas....she's so happy....This might be possible between you and the guy you like...give it a try.
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A
male
reader, burningredphoen +, writes (11 December 2009):
Well to be honest with you...if you really love him you should go for it...if she really was a true friend she would understand....it sounds like your going to lose someone here....either him or her...so please look at it logically rather than emotionally...who would you rather be with? Him or her?I think a healthy male female relationship is a biological need, so chances are you should pick him; however I do see the implication that if it doesn't work out between you and him then you might lose both friends.My honsest suggestion would be for you to go out with him but not tell your best friend....its the only way you will find out if he's right for you...if he is mr right then you will have to tell your friend....pit it this way...you aren't cheating on your friend if you decide to tell her....you just gotta decide if its the right time to tell her.Me and my gf share the best relationship that I've ever seen in any couple. She tells me everything, I tell her everything, and she trusts me..and I trust her...we can't stand to be apart for 5 minutes, we have sex 6 times a day, every day of the week...and this is passionate loving sex....I don't think you wanna miss out on an ooportuniy to share something special like what me and my girlfriend have...so go out with him...keep it a secret, but distance ur girlfriend just a little bit so u can spend some time with him ok then if he's the right one tell her...if he isn't then just leave it at that...
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