A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Theres this guy i know through an orchestra, iv only really know him prperly for 1 year. but ove that year weve become so close, and i now consider him by far one of my best friends. I never find it akward around him and we can always find somethin to talk/argue about. He has become a very big flirt with me and we always mess about and little things like holding hands and a small kiss on the cheek/ top of the head have become very regular. Everyone within the orchestra has become quite aware and is always like you two would be really sweet together etc, a few other friends have told me how lucky i am to have him as he is the person the orchestra seems to fall in love with, but to actually have him like me aswell. The problem is he has a girlfriend, she is best freinds with another one of my friends so i do know her a bit.While i was away on holiday he textd me and said he liked me and wondred how i felt, an also was considering breaking up with his gf as the were going to different collages and were drifting apart. I told him i found him more of a friend and didnt want anything to happen (only because he still has a gf and i didnt want to mess things up with them or get myself involved in their breakup). He is a very lovely person and wouldnt do anything to upset people andis not atall know to mess people around/swith between gf so im not to worried about him messing around. But it was really hard to turn him down cause i do really like him now and we've become so close, and im starting to think it was a mistake to turn him down, and he did say he felt a bit crushed to find i didnt like him. Im really not sure what to do as also me him and his gf will all be in the same orchestra next year, and it will be really odd, and a bit upsetting not to still be the same etc.If anyone has any advice or ideas please help me! x
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female
reader, starismine1  +, writes (27 August 2008):
 "He is a very lovely person and wouldn't do anything to upset people". If what you say about him is true, why is he flirting with you and holding your hand when he still has a girlfriend? Is that lovely? No! The truth is, he makes you feel lovely because of the attention he gives you. Sometimes the attention stroking our ego appeals to our vanity like a drug...we feel like we're in love from the adrenaline rush of it all. And, when you are in a confined, staged like scenario in an orchestra together, you are not experiencing the real world together and everything seems so easy and right. Real life makes stress and other things factor into a relationship and a guy who seems magical and amazing suddenly doesn't look like a movie star...he suddenly has flaws. I would stop focusing on the other girlfriend and all those issues about what is morally correct, because that is not your real issue. What is the real issue? You are falling for someone because of the attention he is giving you, you are developing feelings for him only because of how he inflates your self worth, especially because he is choosing you over his girlfriend...what ego wouldn't inflate from that? But your feelings for him are not feelings of love for him as a person. If you make a list of all the things about him you really admire and like, you will probably be surprised to find that there's nothing about him on that list, just a list of how good he makes you feel. I would focus on dating someone outside the orchestra as soon as you can who you can really feel something for based on true mutual love in the real world.
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