A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I'm hoping I can get a little help with this situation I've found myself in.I met this girl a few months back. She started working at my office and we became pretty good friends, we would often tease and flirt a little with each other. I was pretty sure she was interested in me but since we worked together and she also had a boyfriend I didn't make any move to ask her out.About two weeks ago I left that office for another job, when she found out she seemed more upset then I expected a fellow co worker to be. On my last day I gave her my number, thinking what have I got to loose. I was almost expecting her to give it back because she has a boyfriend. But she didn't. She started texting me as soon as I left work that day, and basically hasn't stopped since.She's since told me she likes me a lot and that things with her boyfriend are really not good. She tells me they haven't been physical for months, she suspects he is cheating on her. He's made her feel ugly, unattractive and unwanted. I could also tell this before she told me because of the way she talks about herself, she had such a low opinion of herself.So we've been getting pretty close in the last two weeks. We've met up a couple of times. She says I am amazing and everything she has ever wanted. We have really strong chemistry and seem to just click so easily. However there is one problem. She feels incredible guilty about being with me even just thinking about me while she still has a boyfriend.I asked her out on a date this week and she said yes right away. The whole day she was talking so excitedly about it. Even told me I would be getting the best sex of my life that night! But the afternoon before our date she canceled. She said she just feels so unbelievably guilty, and can't bring herself to cheat on her boyfriend.I think this is a good quality and I really respect her for it. But it sort of leaves me in this weird limbo.She told her boyfriend a few days ago that she doesn't think they should be together anymore, but have not had a real brake up talk. In fact I have no idea what's been going on between them since then. It just feels like every things been left up in the air. She told me yesterday that she has been thinking a lot about us, but she never said anything else. Yet she's still flirting with me over text. She's going on holiday for about a week so I wont hear much, if anything, from her for awhile. I just suddenly feel like I've been left waiting.So are their any suggestions about what I should do. Should I just wait and see what happens? it's only been two days.Or should I ask her straight up to leave her boyfriend for me?She is honestly the most amazing girl I have ever met. She's everything I've been looking for. I really think she is worth waiting for, but I don't want to be waiting forever!Thanks :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2011): Thanks everyone, You've all helped me clear my head about this whole situation. Since she canceled our date a few days ago I've been so mixed up about this whole thing. I've wanted to talk to her about it but just didn't know what to say. Maybe she has just used me to boost her low self esteem or maybe things with her b/f are really as bad as she says. Either way I'm stepping back. I'm going to tell her that while she has a boyfriend she wont be hearing from me and that she deserves a boyfriend that treats her right.She's off on holiday overseas with her family for the next few says. So that gives me plenty of time to think about just what I want to say. And it might also gives her some time to think about what she really wants.Thanks all.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 November 2011):
 I'm not sure what to think. Her flirting with you while in a relationship is.. questionable. Sounds like she did just use you for an ego boost. She wanter the attention you gave her. It made her feel great. Then she sticks to her boyfriend, because she wants the same attention out of him... and you were just giving her attention in the meantime, until she got more attention from her bf.
That's what it sounds like, to be honest. If she actually did like you and wanted to be with you there is nothing stopping her from ending things with her boyfriend.
I don't understand though why ONE date should end in sex? You asked her out on ONE date, and she was talking about how great sex you were going to have? Typically people don't have sex on first date, and certainly don't talk about the sex they will have even before the actual date. So, sounds like she didn't classify you asking her out as "asking her out". She classified it as a booty call. She never thought to go on an actual DATE with you in a romantic way, she thought of having sex one the side.. which is why she cancelled as she doesn't want to physically cheat. While she's been emotionally cheating for quite some time already....
I don't think this girl is as perfect as you imagine her to be, and she certainly isn't taking you seriously. If you take her seriously then you would not want her to date you while still in a relationship, and you'd certainly NOT want to have sex with her on first date. Because if you do, then you can wave goodbye to a relationship and welcome a booty call, and she'll up and abandon you for the next guy she meets, and keeps you as her booty call.
You don't want to be second choice, or a snack on the side for her. Tell her straight up. You are interested in her, and she's been flirting with you, but if she respects you she needs to stop flirting with you while she has a boyfriend. And then tell her that you will back off since she has a boyfriend, and misinterpreted her flirts as her maybe ending the relationship. Then finish it with saying that perhaps one day in the future, when you are both single, maybe you can have a date then.
Trust me, women want what they can't have. If you play hard to get, and she likes you even remotely, she'll be contacting you pretty soon after that message. When she does, be hard to get. Don't give her any special treatment, don't flirt with her. Tell her you only treat women in your life who are special to you that way, and that you have decided you must let her go as she has a boyfriend. She'll crave the attention you gave her, and will want more. Possibly she'll leave her boyfriend.
I honestly don't think she's worth waiting for though. A woman who washes her dirty laundry in public, flirts with other men and emotionally cheats, and actually seriously considered CHEATING, is hardly any good news. If she can't sort out her problems with her boyfriend, but needs to bring in a third person, imagine what she'll do if you and her hit a rough path in your relationship. Instead of working through it between you and her, she'll go ahead and flirt with her co-workers and set up secret dates on the sides, and maybe in the future she wont be so "guilty" about it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 November 2011):
 Well, I think she kind of used you. Her relationship wasn't going as she wanted it too and she got the attention she needed from you. Two wrongs doesn't make 1 right. She is emotionally bonding to you, while still being with him. Many would see that as cheating too.
You don't want to be the "rebound guy" and that is where you are heading. Telling her to break up with her boy friend is not a good move. But I do think you can tell her that you want to step back til she figures out what she wants. How long you want to give her to make up her mind is up to you, but I would NOT make ultimatums.
I don't think she really knows what she wants. Sorry.
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A
male
reader, 3much4u +, writes (4 November 2011):
wow... interesting situation.since its only two days then that's a short time, however you don't know how long this will keep up for. If I were you I would try giving her the "urgent" impression that she has reached a two-way road and now has a decision to make now or never. (but keep secretly in your mind that since this girl is so amazing then you would be willing to wait a bit longer but don't let her know)if her b/f is treating her as badly as she told you then I really don't see any reason she should still be with him. I think you have done your part now the ball is in her court, it's her move now.I quite agree with you about liking the quality in her where she doesn't want to cheat on her b/f even if things aren't too good between them, that's something ive always admired in a woman.All the best, good luck.
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