A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been going out with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, I love him vey much and couldn't ask for anyone better. However, I deceived him the other day, and I really don't know what to do about it. I told my boyfriend I was going to meet up with my friend in town, whereas in reality my ex boyfriend was going to come and pick me up and take me to his. I didn't think anything of it really, as I hadn't seen my ex in a few years, and didn't want to tell my boyfriend as I knew he wouldn't want me to go. My ex picked me up, and he took me to his apartment. We caught up with what had been going on in our lives, and watched a couple of films. It was a really good laugh, and I enjoyed catching up. However, after he had put the third Twilight movie on, he started to get closer to me, then he kissed me for about 5 seconds whilst feeling me up. I pulled away and asked him what he was doing, and asked if he'd forgotten that I had a boyfriend. He kept trying, but I walked away into the bathroom, and burst into tears. I felt so uneasy being there by this point, and just wanted to go back to my boyfriend. After around 10 minutes, my ex asked if he wanted to take me back home, and I said yes. My boyfriend wasn't too impressed with me that evening, as I'd been out longer than I said, and I hadn't told him where I was going. That night whilst my boyfriend was sleeping, I just cried. I felt so awful I hadn't told him where I was going, or what happened, or who I was with. I just couldn't bring myself to do it, as he said we'd be over if I ever cheated on him. It's weird, when I was with my ex boyfriend I didn't have any feelings for him at all, to me he was just a friend having a catch up, obviously not to him. I looked at my ex boyfriend, and realised that I didn't love him anymore, and that he wasn't what I thought he was. He really wasn't anything special, and I didn't find him attractive anymore. It made me realise how much I valued my relationship with my current boyfriend, and how strong we are together, and that I never want to lose him. I've deleted my ex boyfriends number from my phone, and anything else to do with him. I've just taken my boyfriend to his parents for christmas, whilst I spend my christmas with my family. I just came home and burst into tears again about the whole situation. I don't want to lose my boyfriend over this, but I don't know what to do. I know I didn't initiate anything, but I still didn't tell him the truth over where I was going, and this happened a few days ago and I haven't said anything, which makes me feel awful. It's not like I can say anything now as its christmas. I just don't know what to do. I don't know whether to tell him or not, or just let it blow over and hope I forget about the situation. I don't feel like he will trust me ever again. I just love my boyfriend to bits, and wished I'd never have seen my ex if I'd known he had wanted more. I'm in tears writing this story, please help!
View related questions:
christmas, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): I'm sorry but not much sympathy here from me on this one you've lied to him and the whole i didn't initiate is a total cop out you went to his house alone knowing it would hurt you bf and you lied about.
I've just had my ex split from me and start seeing someone else I found out she'd seen him before we split and had been txting all sorts and she tried the whole well i was only replying he initiated its rubbish you went along with it and its wrong.
I think you should tell him but if this happened to me i'd dump you right quick at least then tho you can say you did the right thing and he can at least feel as though you've been honest. Dont do it and I think it will eat you up and if he finds out for himself things could get very messy
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2011): The main problem here is that you didn't tell your bf where you were going because you knew he wouldn't allow it. And for good reason too! So now the deed is done and you feel bad. I'm not out to judge you cos ....... You know your bf more than any of us what do you think he would do. If you know he can handle it tell him personally I won't if you know he won't find out because if he does ........ You love him so you shouldn't have seen your ex.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2011): You have two ways around this OP tell him or not. I'd tell him and I'd be honest too, whether you initiated it or not you still cheated on him with your ex. OP you lied to him, went and visited your ex, got cosy with him and had a kiss and a grope. What part of that means he can trust you ever again?
Regardless of the event itself he can't trust you to make good decisions when it comes to guys. You went to an intimate place alone with your ex? To watch romantic movies for fecks sake, how the hell did you not see what he was doing? My girlfriend wouldn't even think of putting herself in a position like that (alone with a guy who has/had feelings for her) and knows that in itself is reason for me to start not trusting her decision making.
You did cheat OP, there is no way you can say that sitting there letting your ex get cozy enough to be able to kiss and grope you is not cheating. I know so many women who think they can get a free pass because they "didn't initiate" well I'm sorry ladies if you put yourself in the position to be made a pass at then you are just as guilty. The signs are exceptionally easy to read, guys always telegraph their intentions and you shouldn't be cozying up to any other guy in the first place or getting into a romantic situation with them.
Basically your situation all boils down to this "I didn't think anything of it really" that's a lie right there because straight after you said this "didn't want to tell my boyfriend as I knew he wouldn't want me to go."
You see you knew that going to go meet your ex was one that your boyfriend would have had a huge problem with, so you did think something of it and you decided to lie and go cheat with your ex instead. I mean come on, he put on the twilight movies, he may aswell have put on Barry White music and had the whole room lit with candles.
OP you had a choice and before you even made that choice you knew that you would be risking your relationship by going to your ex's place, you made your decision and now you have to figure out what's best for your boyfriend because up until now you've only been thinking of yourself.
I'd tell him and I'd tell him everything, you see if you want him to be able to trust you then he needs to know everything. There is no way in hell he would believe that nothing happened anyway, you may be foolish enough to think that a guy who invites you to be alone with him in his house to watch romantic movies means nothing but there is no guy on the planet that would be stupid enough to believe that nothing happened in those circumstances.
The only thing I can say that will be helpful to you here is to leanr the lessons from this. If you don't take responsibility for all of it, including the kiss and grope then he just simply won't be abel to trust you again because for us guys we don't care about the initiation it's the event itself and if you didn't go behind his back in the first place and do something he completely would not like then this wouldn't have happened.
So here are your lessons:
Never go home alone with any guy who isn't a long term proven and trusted friend who your boyfriend is okay with. (you can give me all the feminist shite of being able to do what you like, but this isn't about restriction it's about common sense.)
If you do go home alone with a guy, you sit on a different chair, you keep a good physical distance and you don't allow any kind of intimate closeness at all.
Assume that every guy who ever invites you to be alone with them is going to try it on because most of the time we are.
Never, ever go meet a guy like this behind your boyfriends back, that should be common knowledge but it seems you're fine with lying to him and doing this.
Look you can't change what happened but you can come clean, be honest and let him know what happened. Maybe he will forgive you and you can move on, I doubt it but you give yourself a better chance than him finding out later on that you not only cheated on him with your ex but then kept it hidden from him.
Understand this OP, if he's anything like me then he will consider what you did cheating, so don't try and pull the "I wasn't the one who initiated this therefore technically I didn't cheat" because he won't accept that. By all means tell him that's what happened but do not try and use it to excuse it. I would think even less of a girl who tried to justify what happened if she said she didn't initiate, it's easy to not be in the position where that can happen.
Good luck to you OP, this is going to be a horrible one to deal with but things will work out, whatever happens OP just understand that being in a relationship means you never let yourself get in the position where someone can even make a move on you. I've never cheated and I never will because other women don't even get a chance to get near me nor do I ever go home alone with a girl who may possibly want something more, and I never assume the innocent in anything.
...............................
A
female
reader, muso888  +, writes (25 December 2011):
Oh dear. I understand how upset you must be right now.Only you will know whether or not you should tell him. Many people will say do, many people will say don't. As someone who feels guilty over the slightest thing, I have been in many positions where I have had to decide whether or not to tell my boyfriends (and exes) something this big.For me - I have usually found that not confessing creates a hole... something as big as this for me would need to be shared.Your main 'crime' here is that you didn't tell him about it at all. You ommitted the truth about where you were going and who you were seeing - and you MUST have known you were heading into dangerous territory because you didn't say anything to your bf. I'm not judging you - I full well understand how easy it is to fool yourself into thinking it will be ok; a little danger is always a thrill, and this time you have paid the price.You didn't cheat. (Unless you are not telling us everything - which is your perogative, but based on what you have said you are totally clean). But you didn't cheat and you mustn't allow him to let you think you did. If you even waver on whether you did or not (if you tell him) then he will assume you did more than you say. Be very clear about that. Perhaps what I myself would do if I were you is tell your boyfriend - very calmly but also making it very very clear how bad you feel about it. But that's just me. If you decide to tell him you risk his anger and that he might not be able to handle it - although if he trusts you and loves you I doubt very much that he will end it with you. For me, I would rather that it felt a clean slate, and not keeping something that weighs this much to myself. If you do this, you must be very brave as you know he will be angry, and do it soon (maybe NOT christmas day!!!!) as the longer you keep it in the more it will hurt him. If you don't tell him, then you will have to carry this with you - some people would say that is your penance and you should live with it. I know I think it is the harder of the two - but I can never decide which is more selfish. I really hope you will find the right thing to do - I do lean on the side of telling him though. I believe in honesty being the base in relationships (of course it's never black and white - there will alwyas be things that you may keep to yourself). Good luck OPMuso x x
...............................
|
