A
female
age
51-59,
*askin
writes:My problem is my family (this could be a long one!!). I’m the youngest of three and come from a traditional background. Unlike my elder sister, I rebelled in every sense. I broke boundaries as I refused to be treated differently because I’m a single woman.The real issue is this. My sister and her family had money problems due to the credit crunch. I helped them out endlessly, more than I believe anyone would have done so. I always treated my nephews to all high tech fashionable clothing/items and even holidays (put them up in a hotel/gave spending money etc). I showered gifts like none other. But even they were resentful.Friends have always told me to stay clear as she is jealous of me. I suppose I knew this all along but didn’t want to acknowledge this. She developed cancer and grew very bitter towards me, on many occasions. Even when she got better, but couldn’t work (due to other matters, best not mentioned here) I could still sense her jealousy. I recently lent them money so that she could open a business but with the provision she pays me back soon.Her husband would play mind games with her, which I often witnessed. He is a control freak and a bully as well as cultivating manipulator. She believes every lie and yet people from the outside pity her. I became public enemy number one. She has now taken a vow of silence towards me, not just her kids and her husband.Her sons are very disrespectful, but that’s to be expected. I feel very angry to think that these people could have such a cheek to treat me this way. She recently began working but once again seems to direct her anger towards me. The sad thing is she has become her husband's clone as she too is manipulative, controlling and a bully. I suppose that’s natural as he has spent years grinding her down. She also has a habit of letting everyone know when we have argued. In her world, she is right and I’m always wrong. I have come to the conclusion that I care not about these people any more. She is wrapped up in a sham of a marriage but I believe she can see what’s going on but refuses to in order to keep her marriage. I get angry because when they needed my help, they sucked up to the degree where it felt as if they were suffocating me. It was sick to watch. My big brother always said "keep your distance"- I wish I’d listened. I can never forgive or forget what they have done and to be honest, I really don't care. If I was to hear that she was plagued with cancer, I couldn’t care less. My parents and I have always done our best to help them, but it’s never enough. It’s all about them, it always has been. It’s as if were expected to help, financially or otherwise all the time. I’m ready to cut all ties from my family. The only problem I have is how do I explain this to my boyfriend? I’m too ashamed of them but just know I can never forgive them. I’m ready to just move and close the chapter on this terrible side of my life. I actually really dislike these people and feel nothing for them anymore.I believe he is the poison behind all this as she is scared to be her own person. He has poured his poison throughout my family. I only pray that one day he gets his turn and pays dearly.I don't feel sad anymore, for I felt they isolated me and in a word, kicked me to the curb. But I have overcome my fears of rejection. I’m anxious to start a brand new life without them, though I’m scared. Some may think I’m being cold, but it’s taken years to come to this decision as well as heart breaking but I have my own life to lead. I cannot carry them anymore.Am I right? Or am I selfish? Is there something I could have done to prevent all this? Your views are gratefully accepted.
View related questions:
jealous, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Taskin +, writes (6 March 2011):
Taskin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks for all your kind words. Some say that family is the root of your identity.....i beg to differ.Sadly my family is not one that im either proud off or even respect. Once again, many thanks for all your support and kindness.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (6 March 2011):
 Good for you! Whether or not you could have prevented it coming to this stage is irrelevant -- you can only deal with the present.
So many of us have the idea that family is everything, and should consequently be forgiven everything.
Family is intensely important to me. But more important is having relationships that are healthy and affirming. Sometimes you have a family member who simply cannot be that for whatever reason. As an adult you have to make the decision to not have people who negatively effect you in your life. It's tough to cut off a sister, but you're doing the right thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, smartgirl100  +, writes (6 March 2011):
I understand how you feel. I have an older sister who is a manipulative bully. She always screwed things up and needed money. Yet she was always very rude and disrespectful and never appreciated anything. When she took care of our mom, I always gave her money and paid the biggest share of the funeral expenses when she passed away. Yet she was rude and disrespectful as always. She tries to turn family members against me, heck, she even used to turn family members against my mom, who was the sweetest kindest woman who ever lived. Everything I gave, I gave for my mom and my sister took advantage of that. I won't go into details, but I'm tired of her drama and her rudeness. No wonder her own son ran away and said that she was evil. She can't have a relationship with someone she can't dominate. She's done alot of wrong to alot of people. It hurt me that some people believe her trash talking and were very cold to me. But then I realized that I don't need her or them. I have a wonderful husband, a great daughter who adores me, a beautiful home, a good job and good friends. I don't need to suffer disrespect from someone I don't even like. She is toxic to me and has been since I was a little girl. Most of the women in my family ended up alone and working their fingers to the bone cos they don't know how to have healthy relationships with men. My husband thinks they are just jealous. I have everything I need without them. So I don't feel bad any more. I don't think that you are cold. You've probably had enough - just like me. You can tell your boyfriend in time that you just aren't close to your sister. Once he gets to know you better, he will understand. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (6 March 2011):
 I believe you are right, and very strong to have pulled yourself out of such a situation. From what you have said, it doesn't seem like there is anything you could have done to help the situation. You mentioned not knowing how to tell your boyfriend. How long have you two been dating? Has he asked? If he hasn't asked yet, then it's ok for you to keep it to yourself for a while. Let the burns heal a little and not be so raw when you do tell him, if you feel it's necessary. If you are in a more serious relationship, then just talk to him about it. He is your friend, as well as your boyfriend hopefully, and will help you move past it. If the issue is that he wants to meet your family, can he not meet your parents and other siblings? Are there problems with them too? If that is the case, you just need to explain all that ot him so that he doesn't feel that you just don't like him or something. Best of Luck
...............................
|
