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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been married for almost twenty years to a wonderful man. We have two children. Before we were married we discussed our sexual past, telling each other we were completely honest. Well, I wasn't. I left out one person who I'd slept with twice. I only knew him socially, not enough to have sex with. He is Jewish,I am not.I was/am ashamed of my actions and knew it would cause me to lose my relationship with my now husband. I was selfish in wanting him only think good of me. I should have been honest. About 2 1/2 yrs ago, not planning to, I told my husband. We have been struggling ever since to hold our marriage together. He is incredibly angry, hurt and distrustful of me and rightfully so. He has visions of this past relationship all the time. He doesn't believe he is racist but knowing the guy was Jewish has unleashed a torrent of anguish and disgust. I am so sorry for not telling him before we were married and giving him the right to chose if he wanted to be in a relationship with me. Is there any hope for us?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2006): From a male perspective, I can understand and relate to his anger. When you build a relationship out of trust, it doesn't matter how much you've invested into it when a lie is exposed. The very foundation of the relationship is now in question. The fact that you slept with someone is probably the very least of the problem here. The fact that you lied about it FOR 20 YEARS is VERY MUCH the problem. Think about how you'd feel if the roles were reversed?
However, it took a LOT of guts for you to tell him this. I would like your husband to think about every single moment of your life, this lie was churning inside you... eating away at you from your core. You let this cancer eat away at you for 20 years and you loved your husband so much that you chose to tell him knowing that the consequences could be devastating. You chose to tell him because you loved him that much. The thought of holding something from him absolutely KILLED you. You have learned a valuable lesson here and your husband has found a jewel of a woman. She has already suffered for 20 years with this lie. Find the strength as a husband and father to see your wife for who she really is: An honest soul who made a mistake. Let her suffering end and your new love, respect and understanding for each other begin.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2006): Yo's, I agree with u, I was with one person prior to marriage and my wife told me six, this really was a violation to my beliefs because I grew up conservative, but to ask a person five time prior to marriage if they were telling the truth, and to have them lie to u over and over again does one or two things, stay together for children, or leave. Mine told me six, but really wa 10 to 11! People don't dammit understand that when u practice self-control and be honest, only to have the person lie to u, the marriage is not special anymore! I saved myself because of this sacredness. Don't no man even if hes had many women want the though of different men viloating his wife! The selfish part on the persons behalf is that they don't wnat u to leave, so they get the benefit od sleeping around and having a person that practiced self-control. Some women make me made about the double standard, its predicated in all of our live, women is granted the right to cry more often than men, but we are not because of looking passive Men view this totally different than men.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2006): Your advice and counsel has resulted in discussions with my husband that is helping. We appreciate your honesty and perspectives. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
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A
female
reader, queenofthenile +, writes (13 September 2006):
Wow, I am dealing with a similar situation and this really struck a nerve with me. I told my boyfriend about a prior boyfriend (almost 10 years ago) that I was with when I was 17 and he was 24 8 months into our relationship and he blew up at me and has been berating me ever since... Worst part of it is that this former guy (whom I have since cut out of my life) is a part of the scene that we frequent, thanks to me, so my bf is constantly reminded of him.
Like you, I feel terrible. My boyfriend is very judgmental and despite having slept with over 200 women before me, I knew he'd never accept my past and I was right, he didn't. Now my relationship is in jeapordy, I feel terrible for lyinng, and I've tried everything to right my wrong, but nothing seems to help. :-( I love him so much and I'm so sorry... it's breaking my heart.
So, as to your situation, I understand your pain. What I tried to do was to simply respond with love to all his insults... I wouldn't come back in anger, no matter how much he hurt me or what he said. I HATE the double standard between men and women, but I decided that I cared more about him than I did my principles, so I let it go. The strange thing was that eventually, I'd had enough of the verbal assaults and finally told him everything I'd wanted to say and that I was leaving... and he begged me to take him back, said they were his issues, and things were good for a bit... And then they went right back to being terrible, which is where they are currently and I'm very, very afraid that I've lost him.
Sweetie, I have very little advice for you, other than to quit beating yourself up. Yes, you made a mistake and damaged the trust to your relationship. But if he won't do a single thing to try to fix things, when you are trying so hard, then the relationship wasn't nearly as strong as you've always imagined that it was. And I know he probably tells you that everything reminds him of that guy and it's all your fault that he's so miserable and what not, but there's only so much that you can or should take, before realizing that it puts your mental health on the line. And I know that it's easy to say, but so hard when you love somebody and you know you screwed up... Just give him unconditional love and hope for a slight change... And if you dont' see one, you'll have to let him go and let him try to find happiness and peace somewhere else... And do the same for yourself.
Good luck, I'll be thinking of you!
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (13 September 2006):
 "Did I really love and want him or was he simply the next person in line?"
This comment is telling. The anger and other emotions directed at you are a distraction, a diversion. The real issue is your husbands insecurity. His own sense of self worth and sexual / male value.
He needs to do several things:
- Admit to himself that his reaction is massively out of proportion
- Realize that his own insecurity is what is creating this inflation
- Get councelling for this, either together with you, or separately
To do this he has also to do something very difficult (for him). He has to agree to accept and forgive what you did. Although to an outside observer that might seem a trivial thing, because of his obsessive inflation of your past actions significance, for him it will be enormously difficult. I do not mean that he has to see what you did as good (he will probably never be able to do that), but to at least decide that he no longer wants it torturing him and damaging your marriage.
There will be no change until he stops blaming you and starts blaming himself. Stops blaming you for a small thing a long time ago. And starts blaming himself for being the one with the psychological problem today.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2006): I disagree with Yos. The last words "Not take it as a personal insult against you are the keys to getting past this" struck a nerve with me. So now after 20 years of being a great wife and a good mother, you now have to pay for your lack of judgement and being humanly flawed. And not take his judgement of you as a personal insult? Your marriage is about to self-destruct because your husband's ego is getting the best of him. I'd say this is pretty darned personal. This is all about 'pettiness and I said it before..I'll say it again. Pettiness is downright meaness. Your husband needs to understand that that making someone you supposedly love, pay such an huge emotional price for being dishonest about a past indiscretion, that happened over 20 years ago is petty, annoying and very destructive behaviour which alienates not just himself from you but damages the whole family. Is this what he truely wants? His behaviours over this issue, can and will be destructive to your marriage and he needs professional intervention, dear. Your husband has an obligation to bring his best self to this marriage just like you likely have been doing for the past 20 years. Tell him to bury this and get on with life and please, get into marriage counselling...today!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2006): Although you were dishonest I think this is being blown way out of proportion by your husband.So you slept with this other bloke once or twice - what difference does it make? I just don't get it. You chose your husband as the man you wanted to be with and have been faithful to him ever since.It sounds to me like your husband just can't stand the fact that you had slept with other men before him - and that is unreasonable as I am sure he had slept with other women before you. Your husband needs to get over this, and the fact that this bloke was Jewish isn't really relevent at all.You have lived happily and faithfully in marriage for many years - that is what matters.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2006): Let me add something to this story. When I met my husband I told him I hadn't been with anyone in three years. Two weeks before my husband was due back in town I told my husband I drove past his house, which I did looking for him. Then by the end of that week I had gone on a date with the jewish man. I had imagined my husband as the love of my life but never really truley beleived he would be mine. When I went on the date with the jewish man I slept with him on the first date. I was on birth control pills at the time despite having had a breast biopsy (which was negative). I was willing to engage in unprotected sex with him but he elected to use a condom. He also appeared to have an impotance problem as well. After that night I had a week to think about what happended. I still agreed to go on a date with him the next week and ended up having sex with him a second time. When I met my husband I told him I hadn't had sex in the past three years. He was convinced it was safe and beleived that I was on birth control pills for him. WE had unprotected sex. I have not been with another man since being with my husband which was 21 years ago. In my past I had had an abortion when I was in college when I had been using birth control and it failed. So you can see there is much more to the story than I originally explained. It is only fair to my husband to give you all the facts so you can judge me fairly. He is aware that I am writing this and needs to hear you answer honestly. He is very angry because he believed me,and my lies. He questions my motives and my behavior. Did I really love and want him or was he simply the next person in line? He had accepted my past, that which he knew about, with great difficulty once. Now he is being asked to still find a place for me in his life and he is so angry and disappointed in me that he cannot see his way to do it. The first time I told him about the Jewish man I only told him I'd slept with him once and that we had been dating. It was only two and a half years ago that I told him there was a second time.My husband has had difficulty accepting this, understandably. I don't know if he will ever believe me or if there is any hope for us. We are in great pain and trying to see if there is anything we can do to save this marriage. At least I am , I'm not sure that my husband wishes to any more. My husband feels that my choices in my past have greatly compromised his choices in life. He has made it clear he would not have stayed with me if he'd had all the facts. I know if we didn;t have children we would have gone separate ways by now. I love my husband deeply. I want to understand his pain, and anger. I want to instill a trust and loving relationship with him again. Is it too late?
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (13 September 2006):
Whilst I respect Irish a great deal and understand her answer, I respecfully disagree.
Men in a comitted relationship hold great stock of their wifes sexual past. It's not a helpful thing (especially in this day and age), but it exists. Probably the thing he is struggling the most with is the feeling that you have been dishonest to him. His imagination will be telling him that ... 'if you were dishonest about that, what else have you been dishonest about?'. His imagination will be supplying him with a stream of horrible images of you being unfaithful with other men. Do not underestimate how powerful the emotions are that he might be feeling now. For him they are probably overpowering at the moment.
He will probably pick up on all sorts of irrational reasons and labels for what he feels. But at the end of the day the emotion is simple... its that he has to think that at one time in the past you weren't 'his'. I ask you to respect his feelings and understand that the reason they are so powerful is because he loves you. See his emotion as a sign of his love for you, and it will be easier for you to accept. He doesn't want to share you with anyone, even if they are a distant shadow. You are his. Be his.
The best thing you can do is to reassure him that you have now told him 'the whole truth', and that there are no more suprises. That you love him and trust him, and that this thing in your past meant nothing to you. That he is 100 times the man this other person was.
See how it goes. This can be something that lingers for a long time. If it does, I suggest you two go to councelling together. Just try to understand that he may experiencing very powerful negative emotions that aren't about you but about him, and that you are the best person to help him through it. Your patience and ability to absorb his pain and not take it as a personal insult against you are the keys to getting past this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): Thank you for your response. I appreciate hearing another person's opinion. I'm not sure I can get him to participate in counseling, he has resisted it so far. I believe it would help. I would also appreciate a male perspective on this too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): Are you telling me your husband is ready to 'blow up' a 20 year marriage that has 2 children, simply because you neglected to tell him you had sex with some jewish guy, "before" you were involved with your husband?? Your husband does sound racist, hun but most diturbing, you have a big problem on your hands. It's your husband's arrogance, his lack of caring feelings and respect for the 20 years of efforts, hard work and loving devotion you have put into making a life and a good marriage, with him. Does that not account for anything, in his mind? Don't be sorry for not telling him, dear. What you did before you met him, was 'your' life and 'your' business. I feel your husband, is taking this and using it to lash out at you and you need to stop him 'dead in his tracks' by setting some tougher boundries as to what you will tolerate from him. Meanness is a part of the human condition it is always an option. Marriage is a place where meanness can really cut loose, for we can often treat those closest to us poorly. In order for him to overcome his angry feelings will take some work, on his part. I would recommend finding a good marriage therapist or pastoral counselor, so he can come to a place about learning to appreciate you, his family and finding some understanding and empathy. I once heard a good expression about marriage love and that is "love is not a feeling, but instead, love is a decision." He has to make a clear, honest decision to love his wife, irregardless of your past and keep his family intact and his marriage strong. That is what is the most important in the here and now. Find a counselor committed to restoring broken marriages.
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