A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I just left my husband without him knowing because he is a very angry man. I feel kind of sad but he would of try to hit me or something. I left him because he is controlling,lazy,has a anger problem,he takes the phone so i cant talk on it. I cant go any where with my sister and if i do and im gone for a long time he gets mad and starts acting out of control. I love this man so much but i cant get back with him, he is crazy. please tell me why do i feel so guilty for leaving him like its my fault i did? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): don't feel bad you will feel better in time. you will be able to breath, you could write him a note and tell him why you left him then you will feel better yes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): Write him a letter, explaining why you had to leave him.. You didn't get to say goodbye, or tell him your reasons, and that's why you feel guilty.. But you were right to leave, hitting women, controlling women, all these things are unacceptable. Write him a letter, and then go and arrange a divorce. If he changes, if he gets better, maybe one day you can be together, but right now this man is dangerous. Good for you, you had the courage to leave, you are a very brave woman indeed...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): I too endured what Britt said for 15 years. He turned everything to make me the bad person who 'deserved' what was happening. Please do not go back. These men also have the ability to twist your mind and make you feel you are going mad. It is abuse at the highest level. Keep away from him even though he will beg you to go back. Women can and do get seriously physically hurt if you disagree with them when they are angry and then they always apologize and say it will never happen again but it always does. They are arch manipulators. You do not need to justify your actions or movements to him. Deep down he knows why you have left. The problem is his - not yours. Kepp safe and away from him xx
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A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (21 February 2009):
Please take Britt's comments to heart about abusive personalities.
Controlling/abusive people will alternate between being loving and attacking you (emotionally or physically). Because they can be loving, we assume that their attacks are because we did something wrong.
We try to work harder to make them happy, and their happiness becomes not just important but in some cases can feel like life or death. Sometimes an abusive person may make you feel like you make them do something abusive.
We may see them as helpless, and feel like their sometimes love for us, and ours for them, means we owe it to them to save them from themselves. Or we may internalize a sense that whenever we do something that makes them unhappy, something bad will happen to us, so we feel uneasy standing up for ourselves.
There are man facets, but the important thing is to not let your emotions, your wishes that he were different, cloud your clear-headed judgement of who he is and what he is capable of.
When it comes to your heart and your health, you are not only entitled to be selfish, you are required to be. Nobody else will look after them, and you have to love and protect yourself if you want someone else to do the same.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): Sometimes love just isn't enough! You did the right thing by leaving him! It will never change. Once a man knows he has that control, it will only get worse!
The reason you feel so guilty is because abusive men know how to make you feel that way. Even when they physically abuse you, they make it feel that it was your fault! They know exactly how to make you feel sorry for them, how to get what they want, and to totally dominate!
I know, I stood for it for many many years. I did everything in my power to try to make him happy...but he was not a happy person. He was a sociopath! I was lucky to get out of the relationship alive (I'm not exagerating!) Get far away from him. Don't let him know where you are. And if you should find yourself faced by him, get away as fast as you can. He is going to be pissed off and in his mind, he did nothing wrong and you are a bitch for hurting him so deeply. Don't fall for his crying and his victim role. He knows exactly what he's doing...he's manipulating you! Even when he's not there with you at the moment, it's as if you can still hear his words, and know exactly how he is reacting. Be Strong and erase those tapes in your head!
Good Luck and Stay Safe!
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