A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am hoping you can all help me out. I need honest opinions from people who are not in the situation like me. Because I find I look at it more from the angle of having hope and maybe being too optimistic about it. I just don't want to be hurt anymore.I have been friends with a guy for about two years now. I have been friends with him while married to my husband of ten years. My marriage began to have problems last December and we decided to separate. My friend was there for me all along during this difficult time. He listened to me and encouraged me that I can move on and told me he admired how strong I was to get through it. He was there for me, supported me, listened to me and encouraged me. I started to have feelings for him around this time. And I think he had some for me. I think my feelings for him made me realize that I had been living a lie in my marriage but my friend was not responsible for the break up of my marriage. I know in my heart that whether or not my friend is there, I made that choice. I made the choice to be happy, regardless of anyone else. The decision was made for me. Even if it meant being alone. During the time I was going through the separation, my friend started to see someone else. I never knew because he kept it from me. It is when I told him I had feelings for him that he told me he just started seeing someone. Of course I felt devastated because I I thought he cared for me and was hoping I could be with him. I also was hoping he would wait for me. Because emotionally, I had separated myself from my husand years ago. I felt so betrayed because my friend started seeing someone and he never told me about it. In fact I had to get it out of him because he was not going to volunteer that information. Fast forward two months. He is still with this girlfriend. He and I are still friends. I am finally in a good place in my life and ready to move on despite a few loose ends to tie up. And he is still keeping the door open for me. He is very close to me, showing he is attracted to me...I can go on about all the things he says and does...but believe me, he is not acting in any way like a man who has a girlfriend he is serious about. He never talks about her. He continues to flirt and get closer to me as if she does not exist. He told me he missed me when I was away from him for awhile and that my friendship meant a lot to him, how beautiful I am and on and on...I would like to know why he went and started seeing someone else when he seemed to have feelings for me. And now why he continues to keep the door open for me? I don't understand why he does this? Did he not have a chance to be with me when I was separating? He passed it up? Does that mean he never really cared? Or was he worried I was too tangled up in baggage and was being considerate? And now that I am open to dating, he is still with her but he clearly treats me like his girlfriend on every emotional level, without the sex being involved.When he hears that I have been fixed up on a blind date, he starts to get cold towards me. When I told him I was going out with someone, he never asked me about how it went when I saw him the next day. Usually he will ask me about everything going on in my life.I don't know what to do. I am starting to feel good about myself and I'm moving on. I don't feel I should be putting myself on hold for him or anyone else. I am doing things for myself and finding my own self again. Should I enjoy this time and freedom and let any expectations go? I feel I am healed but I am not sure how long you should wait until you date again.But I can't help but think this is the one for me. I really and truly feel it in my heart. I wonder if he thinks I need more time on my own because I am still living in our home until it is sold. Is he weary because I am newly separated? Did he move on because I still had baggage to take care of? Am I fooling myself by just giving him excuses because he never did care enough? Please help me decide what to do next. I have been in limbo and on an up and down ride for so long. I could really use some peace of mind in having others look at my situation and tell me what they see objectively.I deeply care about him and at this point, my heart is closed off to anyone else. That's the truth, right or wrong. I just want to be with him. Do you think he is not serious about her and is continuing the friendship with me because he will want to be with me someday? Am I dreaming?Thank you!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 June 2012):
 I'm old fashioned and my opinion is that you need to TRULY end one relationship before jumping in to another. Which means I think you need to focus on getting a divorce, get yourself back on your own two feet before thinking of starting something new with another guy. Even if you mentally removed yourself from the marriage AGES ago, you still need to finalize it. Once and for all.
The friend of yours... I think you need to stick being platonic. The fact that he started dating someone else while helping you out, kinda shows (at least to me) that he doesn't LOVE/LIKE you "that" way). Could be he felt there was too much baggage, too much for him to take on. Could be
he just likes to be your "knight in shining armor" but I don't think he wants a relationship that goes beyond the "shoulder to cry on".
Distancing yourself from him and concentrating on yourself, I think it the best move.
You can find happiness again. Just never settle.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): I'm the OP. Thank you for your answers...
I am ready and available for a relationship. My ex (husband) does not live with me and hasn't for seven months. I emotionally separated from him three years ago. I have been essentially alone for three years. And there is absolutely zero chance of reconciliation. My family knows. My friends know. Every plan I have now is moving forward with my life without him.
My friend knows all of this. He knows I went out on a date. He agrees that being separated means the marriage is over. He said so. So it isn't because he thinks I am attached because he knows that I am not.
My ex (husband) already has another girlfriend and has moved on as well. My friend knows this.
If my friend really cared, he would have waited for me while still carrying on the friendship. But he didn't wait. He started up with somebody else while seeming to care about me and did it behind my back and would never have told me unless I confronted him. I am concerned about him playing both sides of the fence. What kind of a man is he if he is with someone right now and that means supposedly in a committed relationship while trying to lead me on as well? I would always worry that he would never be trustworthy if I ever did end up with him. And I would worry he would do the same thing to me someday. I do hold onto some bitterness towards him, although he would never know it, that he was so close with me, yet had the nerve to start seeing someone else. It was a huge shock and I really felt betrayed. I still feel that way. So I told him I had to get away from him for awhile to deal with my feelings. Eventually I went back and tried to be just friends but he keeps trying to draw me in.
Maybe if he had concerns about my marital status, he could have been honest and talked to me about it instead of rushing off with someone else. If that was the case, he went about it all wrong. Because he is potentially risking me finding another guy who treats me like I deserve to be treated. Sadly for him it will be too late because I am confident in myself and I know I am the total package.
If he truly cared about me, he would stop leading me on, put his money where his mouth is and end his other relationship. It is only a few months old. I am not sure how serious it could really be at this point especially when he is seemingly so into me.
That is really the only way I would know he is serious about me. In the meantime, I have to protect my own heart. I have to treat him as taken and out of my reach. The bottom line is he has a girlfriend now. He made his choice. And this leaves me with no choice but to begin distancing myself from him...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): maybe he started seeing the other woman and she pushed him into a relationship and he's too timid to say no to her. There are guys like that.maybe she's the sort who would go all psycho on him if he were to break up. There are women like that.
or maybe he's keeping two doors open because he's insecure and doesn't want to be alone. so he's stringing both of you along indefinitely.
he didn't tell you about his girlfriend, he tried to keep that from you. I think that's a good indicator that he's trying to keep the door open with you. But obviously it's pretty low of him if he's still pretending to her face that he's exclusive with her. are you sure you really want to be with someone like this?
however, you're not divorced. You're just separated, that's still legally married. Are you proceeding with a divorce? If you're not, then you could be sending equally mixed messages to your friend: maybe from his view, you seem to be attracted to him and wanting to start a relationship with him, but at the same time you're still keeping your husband. So that must mean you're not really all that into him, so he should go out and find someone else for a girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): I think he is trying to play two women at once. He doesn't seem to care enough about his girlfriend because he is so open to you emotionally and keeping you close. He is disrespecting her by being so involved with another woman, you. And he is disrespecting you by leading you on and giving you the false idea that he really cares about you. If he really cared, he would get out of his relationship with her to be with you. In fact, he never would have entered the relationship with her. He would have waited for you to be free.
I don't care what anyone says. Women don't dream that stuff up. We have intuition, gut instinct and we just know when a guy is into us. He was obviously sending you all the signals. And then he gets with another woman behind your back. You had to pry that information from him. And not talking about her ever around you? Red flags. A man who is in a relationship, especially a new one, will talk excitedly about his new girl. He will not try to hide her like a dirty secret. He knows that if he mentions her he will lose his chances with you.
I agree with the other poster. No longer make yourself available to him. Find yourself another guy who can give you his whole heart and his undivided attention. You deserve better than to get the scraps of this guy's attention. I think you have probably gone through enough emotional upset with your separation without this guy adding more to your plate.
He is NO FRIEND to you. This is NOT the behaviour of a friend. A friend would have told you about her. A friend would talk about her in front of you and have nothing to hide. A friend would know his boundaries, especially when in a relationship. I am afraid honey that he is trying all that he can to get you into bed with him. He knows you are separated, he knows you are vulnerable and he knows HOW YOU FEEL because you told him. He is trying to take advantage. He has been trying to take advantage all along. He was never going to tell you about this girl. So please get yourself in order. Get your life in order. And get this guy out of it. The sooner the better.
He is not a friend. He does not deserve your friendship. He seems like a player to me. He probably flirts like this with all his female friends. And I agree with a previous poster. He cannot be trusted and will do exactly the same thing to you if you ever did become his next girlfriend. He is emotionally immature and seems incapable of making any commitments. What he does appear to have is one huge ego and he is feeding it at your expense and probably at the expense of other women, too.
Now is the time to be strong and let him see that he cannot do this to you anymore.
Hope I helped and good luck! You do deserve better. Take care of yourself for a while and you will know when you are ready. If he was the one like you thought, you would not be this unsure and wondering why he is treating you this badly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): I have LOTS of men friends non sexual and yes I am normal. Because a man cares it doesnt mean they want anything more I think this guy was there for you but didnt regard you as dating. Be thankful for the friendship because they normally last more than lovers!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): I suggest you move on. This man is toying with your emotions. He is no good for you. He is in a relationship which is something else you must take into consideration. Follow through with your divorce. Then go out and find yourself someone who is true to you and himself when you are ready. Your "friend" is not worth the time and pain. He clearly does not care. Take him out of your life so you can feel refreshed and less burdened.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 I don't he's serious about you. He just likes having an extra woman dangling on a string for him. I think you should start extracting yourself from this relationship because clearly it is never going to go anywhere and emotionally it is holding you back from devoting yourself to someone else 100%. He has a girlfriend now. You have to pull back regardless how much he seems to chase after you. And frankly the one person you should ask those pointed questions to, is him. I for one, would love to know what his answers would be. If you don't feel you can do that, then just stop being available for him. Stop being so open and interested. Start putting up your own walls and move on. He's already shown that he's prepared to pull back and distance himself if you are involved with
someone else. It's time to put that into practice. Yes it will be painful but it will be well worth it because right now you are a slave to this man and he is not a slave to you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 I still think you should go forward with your divorce proceedings before thinking about dating. He is not the one for you because he is deceitful. Once you become his girlfriend you could not be sure who else is in his heart. You said you want peace but honestly this man is not going to give peace to your mind. You can find peace within. Don't go chasing something elusive that's already within in you. What you are chasing is only chemicals.
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