A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been single for the last couple of years now and my ex girlfriend from 7 years ago is now also single again (we are godparents to our friends children and are both best friends with the couple, that's how I know). Our relationship lasted 3 years and we lived together for 2 of those. I was the one that ended it basically because at the time I was fed up at work, was in a low paid job and I didn't have much money left at the end of every month after all the bills and mortgage had been paid. I also foolishly thought I could do better than her and just wanted to start meeting up with friends and enjoying myself at weekends again etc. A few months after I ended the relationship and moved back in with my parents I realised I had made a terrible mistake and when she refused to give it another go I took it hard and to this day it is the biggest regret of my life. She has been single for 4 months now and talking to our friends the boy she had been dating previously hadn't been treating her well. I asked my friend to have a word with her one day and enquire as to whether or not she would be interested in giving us another go. Her response was that her head is not in the right place to think about another relationship just yet and would just like to be friends. I can fully appreciate this comment. We are however, not likely to see eachother again until February (our youngest godsons birthday) and I feel I need to give her something to think about and try to get the point across that I am a different person today than the person I was back then as I think that she maybe just feels that she can't trust me again. I do however, not want to come across pushy. I am in a much better place at work earning wages I could only have dreamed of back when we were first going out, I no longer play on games consoles (which was one of her gripes at the time), I am now a health freak, exercise at least 5 times a week, eat healthy and refuse to touch alcohol. I now also have my own home. She has told our friends that she has resigned herself to the fact that she will never get married or have children, and whilst once upon a time I would run a mile at the words 'marriage and children' I have also changed my point of view (I have 5 godchildren and adore them to bits). It's there for her if she wants it. I upsets me to hear that she's been talking that way. I fully understand if I did get another chance that things take time and I would have no intention of rushing things. If I thought I was only going to mess her around I wouldn't be here asking for advice or wasting the time of my closest friends. I just want her to remember that we both had something good once and that we needn't both resign ourselves to the scrap heap when we both want the same things out of life at this stage of our lives. Thank you.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (4 June 2012):
 She refused to take you back for two reasons:
1. You bailed when times got tough. You had things against you, got fed up and took off, leaving her holding the bag. When you left, you moved home and she was responsible for paying bills and everything. When times were tough, you didn't stick with things and ran home to Mommy and Daddy.
2. You utterly rejected her point blank. As you said, you felt you could do better. To a woman, this means you were bored with her, fed up with her, sick of being around her, and preferred a life without her to life with her. This is a pain that can't be erased after a few months. This most likely devastated her unless she was done with you by that point.
If you think that stopping video games, becoming a health nut, and getting your own home are enough to convince her that you've changed, think again. That says nothing about your character and integrity. She's going to wonder if you'll flake out and bail again when times get tough (i.e. a life threatening illness, a layoff, a serious argument, or family tragedy), or if you'll get bored again and reject her.
So your dilemma will be to prove whether or not you're a different man in THOSE categories, because who cares what you eat or play. When times are tough, what sort of man are you now, when a couple of years ago, you were, in her eyes, a flake who dropped her?
I'm actually trying to help you, because if you try and seduce her back, or wow her with how many superficial things you've changed about yourself, you will fail. You have to play the long game, become her friend, and show that you no longer take off when you get bored or stressed. How will you prove that to her?
If you can successfully convince her, you'll win.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 June 2012):
 Willing to be friends is a good start. Don't wait until February though. I thought godparents are more involved than just birthdays. Be the best friend you could be at the same time don't think she is the only woman who's suitable for you. Do all the fun things with her that you were never able to do when you were broke. Make sure you look good and cheerful as much as possible. Life may surprise you again. That's could be true for both of you. You once said you wanted this, but after time, you might want that instead. There are possibilities that some other woman would get your attention. No I am not saying you are messing with her head. It's just that life doesn't always give us what we want.
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