A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This may sound immature for someone my age, but anyway, I'm 21 years old and am in my second year of the nursing program. I'm involved in a sorority and am busy most of the time with everything in my life and it may appear as though I'm content. But the truth is, I really am not. Not at all.I've dated a few guys (three) - I went out on only one date with each of them. I had a boyfriend for about a month when I was 19 but it didn't last because he was kind of a jerk and I was simply too different from him.The thing is, I'm so scared I'm never going to find someone. I'm always afraid that I'm not pretty enough (even though I know looks certainly are not everything). I'm afraid that I'm too thin (naturally so, though) (I'm 5'4.5" but I only weigh about 112 pounds) or my voice is "annoying" or this or that... blah blah blah. There is always SOMETHING I'm not happy about with myself. I lack a lot of confidence and it is so TOUGH to build it up. It really does take a LONG time to do...When I look at my reflection in the mirror, I'm not very happy with the face I see. I see it as not being pretty or feminine enough, my eyes are too big, nose too long, etc etc. Then, when I talk to people, I find it so hard to keep good eye contact or if I DO keep good eye contact, I feel like I look "ugly" to them so I force myself to look away. It's so complicated and so tough for me. I don't understand why I am the way I am. Because of all of these things, I worry that I'll never find a guy who will love me for me and accept my looks and everything. I never feel good enough.Thank you so much for ANY advice you may have. I NEED to get over this crap. I can't have this nagging me when I'm in such a tough program in college...
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 January 2011):
 this is a lovely question to answer. Why? Because I can already see so much good in you and so many positives. Some of those positives may seem negatives to you. But many would not agree with you.
(1). You are 21. Lovely age. You are an adult, but still young. If you were 45 and you had never had a date, or 16, then my task might be more difficult. You are also able to make all the decisions pertaining
to you. There is ample time to improve your position.
(2). You are petite in height. 5foot 5.5 inches. Guys love petite girls. Even very tall guys. Your height is no impediment whatsoever.
(3). You are petite in every way. 112 pounds. Be thankful you can wear anything and look gorgeous. Have you ever read a newspaper site and noticed how many men insist the girl be slim?
Far rarer for a guy to ask that the girl be over 280 pounds (have never seen that). It may happen, i've just never come across such a request. Imagine how much more difficult it is for the plus size girls, even though they are probably just as nice and beautiful inside as you are.
(4)your voice I can't comment on. But I do have a suggestion. Join a public speaking club. This will be terrifying at first. I was and i joined one at around your age. And possibly for similar reasons to you. It helped me with confidence. With presentation. With anxiety. And with voice. And later it helped me when making presentations to people. And it helped me in business. Things i never thought i would ever do when i was a teen. Take the plunge. Give it 12 months of consistent attendance.
(5)Attitudes, presentation, confidence, communication. These four things can sabotage your chances. Four areas you can work on.
Your attitude makes a huge difference to how you present to the world. Maybe some daily affirmations said aloud while you brush your hair might help. Because you are OK, but right now you don't have enough belief in you.
If you don't believe you are OK then how can you convince anyone else that you are OK?
It truly is very important that you be the best friend to you. That you be kind to you. That you be forgiving to you. And that you attempt to see the good points about you, and like you.
That confidence will draw others to you.
Even practise looking into the mirror, look into your eyes and say '....... You are a lovely person'. Because i'll bet you are a much nicer person than you allow yourself to think you are.
Think about hobbies or things you enjoy. That may be your key to finding a similar guy, as long as your hobbies are things that guys also like. Things like cycling, sport, cars. Or an interest in something like architecture or heritage.
Now presentation:
Go to the makeup counter and ask if they can give you some tips to improve your makeup presentation. You don't have to buy all the products used. Maybe just one.
Visit the hairdresser and after looking through some styles ask the hairdresser to help you choose a good cut that is easy to look after.
If you know an older than you very stylish and well presented woman approach her and ask her for some tips that might help you to present in an attractive way. If you are building an interesting wardrobe on a budget then sticking to black and white can always look stylish. Don't be afraid to shop at 'pre-loved' As long as you know what is stylish and choose wisely you can find bargains to help you look good.
As a student i realise money is short.
Right now I would suggest you go to the library and read some contemporary fashion magazines to see what are contemporary ways to present you.
Some of this may have to wait until you are earning and can afford to go to a spa or consilt a stylist, where you pay for advice.
(6) willingness to meet and network with people. You do not have to join everything tomorrow. Look at what groups and societies meet on campus where you study. That's a low cost way to meet people. And extend the number of people you interact with.
You do not need to go out to public bars to meet people.
Once you are working and earning more money you can step up these activities.
Then you can join groups in your city. Groups that do good things in the community and support others such as rotary or 'friends of....' groups supporting something in the community. You can also volunteer once a month to help out those who need help, or fund raising in the community. and meet other interesting volunteers. Or join a vintage car club - you don't have to have one of the cars - just love that sort of car. Eg Jaguer car clubs are 90% guys. Or attend circuit or zumba classes at the gym. All these things widen your circle of friends. And are not as threatening as recognised dating places.
(7)You are intelligent and have pursued interesting studies in nursing, with a view to a good career that can take you anywhere in the world.
This is a real plus.
This is far more encouraging than if you preferred to sit on the sofa watching tv eating popcorn while others were working. And a plus that you had the motivation and will to study and grow in knowledge.
If you can overcome your existing view of you, and deal with what may be a potential anxiety issue, which is holding you back, then I think you have oodles
going for you. And I can confidently predict if you stop stressing and start being very very nice to you, that you will marry.
Now the next issue is how do you choose a really good guy? But that's a question for another day. Though once you realise what a great catch you are, then that, perhaps, should be your next question.
My best wishes to yoU
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): Reading your post felt like reading a description of myself, only I am 26. I have all the same problems, including eye contact and not liking my voice. I did, however, make tremendous progress during the last couple of years and that gives me hope that someday I be able to accept myself completely. Now, about finding someone special, don't worry, you are still very young, it is never to late, not even in your 60s. Reading other people's questions on this website can give you an idea about what kind of weird people are out there and somehow they all manage to find somebody. For example, yesterday a man complained about how both he and his wife are still virgins after 5 years of marriage! So you see, there is a man who accepted to be with a woman who won't have sex, even in marriage. Surely, you will find somebody who will love you for who you are.
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A
female
reader, Cherrie_StPierre  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 Sweetie. Look in that mirror and tell yourself your beautiful. Surely there has to be something you like. The way you think about yourself reflects the way others see you. You need to stop thinking that way. You sound like such a sweet person. Don't worry about your looks so much. Worry about what it is inside that you have to offer someone. There are so many men out there that don't give a crap how you look. They just want a sweet, trusting and loving woman. All you have to do is be that. He will come along. You will find him. Worry more about perfecting your life. In time he will be there. trust me. xoxoxoxxo
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A
male
reader, jonathan_foo +, writes (30 January 2011):
I used to be the exact same way. I don't know what I did to change. Maybe I got bored with or tired of caring so much, or maybe I realized it was stupid.
I went through a period of what some might call "not giving a fuck". I found a comfortable style and a comfortable attitude, and I took a breather from the stresses of insecurity.
Years later I realized that I had confidence. I don't know when I actually "achieved" it nor do I care. I just know I found happiness; and when I was happy, everything else felt natural.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): Keep a high confidence in yourself that's the best medicine for the situation you say you are going through with yourself. Think of things you have accomplished. And if you were able to pull the last three guys you dated you can find another one, even the right one. Your last boyfriends liked you so someone else will to There is someone out their for everyone. If you want someone badly try something like a good dating website. Find someone that has your interest
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): We all have been /will be 18 at some pointAnd we will all felt/will feel akward and unattractive. I remember this time (18-21) in my life as a moment where I started finding out my first notions of what was attractive to me. I was discovring what I liked in men as well as what I aspired to be. Don't know if that makes sense, but if you worry less about what you look like, and worry more about what you think is beautiful in the people around you and what you'de like things you'de like to imitate, you really can't go wrong.And....You should never give access to your image on a site like this. I didn't look it up, but it's unfortunate you feel that much need for validation....unless you are fishing for compliments...in which case I would direct you to: www.hotornot.com or a psychic hotline where they tell you are beautiful and have a "deep" soul because you pay them $3 a minute.This is not the right forum for physical validation.
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