A
male
age
41-50,
*ussell
writes:i have been dating a woman for 1.5 years. in the beginning of our relationship i was not the perfect guy (sometimes running around with friends seemed more important.) we got past all that shortly after she made me aware that she would not tolerate that behavior. i have been flying straight and committed to our relationship for over a year no big mistakes. she is very insecure about men since she was burned badly in a previous marriage. she is a few years older than me so there are also concerns about age and me wanting someone younger (i don't know where that comes from because she is absolutely beautiful even though she doesn't think so.) her insecurity has led to our split a few times but we always have ended up working things out. well about a month ago i really messed up bad. i went to the casino with friends and of course they kept me out too late. i was an idiot for not discussing this with her before making the decision to go, but sometimes we men like to think about consequences afterwards. needless to say i arrived home late.here's where things got bad. instead of telling the truth i came up with a lame story and lied. the next day i confessed (i really am not a believer in lying.) she went crazy. she was very hurt and broke up with me. i tried to make her understand that i was sorry and give her some reasoning behind my decision. nothing worked. we had recently been talking about marriage and as a matt of fact we talked about the subject in length the night before i made that hair brained mistake. now its been a month and we're still not back together. i know what i did is bad. but am i wrong for thinking this is something she should be able to get over? i don't lie to her and i never hang out with my friends anymore. i don't know what to do. i truly love this person and want to spend the rest of my life with her. but is it time to let go of this relationship and move on? (please say no!) what do i need to do? should i leave her alone? please help!
View related questions:
broke up, insecure, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): Your woman had been hurt in her past and yes, that does cause baggage. But, she took a chance and started to date you, hoping this would be different. She was wrong. One of the most common mistakes people make when beginning a relationship, is one of them (usually the male) undertakes unthinking behaviors due to his own maturity issues, dues to his own fears of committing or not loving her as she does him. The guy stubbornly clings to his single life and carousing with friends when he should be working at the relationship and building the trust, with her. Usually the female, has engaged her emotions earlier and she tends to become more committed, more in love, quicker. So basically, at the onset they both aren't on 'the same page'..one is tearing down the trust with-one is trying to counteract that..with trying hard to build the trust.
From a females point of view, she tolerated this pain/hurt in the beginning and I don't really think she was ever able to get past it. She may never have said anything to you or let on, or she may have hinted, but I can safely she has been quietly evaluating...trying hard to make this work for the past 18 months. And she found out that she can't tolerate lack of honesty and respect. She's done. So there was a sad, painful journey for this relationship of yours. It was a downhill progression. She seen it..you didn't. If you had realized yourself, that there was a deep mutual love and you understood the the efforts needed to make this a healthy relationship, then you both would still be together. She would feel secure and happy and that this relationship could have developed and moved forward, into a happy future.. But when just one the partners, proves he's not committed through uncaring actions in the life of a relationship, the love doesn't continue to build in her heart. It dies off. She was struggling with her 'trust' for you dear and she finally realized that without trust, there is absolutely no love.
I know you tried hard in the past year..good for you. But your casino incident, was the last straw for her. She's done. You can't make her come back to you. When we love someone, we don't lie, we make all the best efforts to include them in our life and we are honest with them, to a fault. Learn from this experience and if you can't give up a 'single life and committ to a partner'..then don't date some unsuspecting female until you mature to that point in your life, where you can work with her, not against her. You gf has the right to move on..leave her be.
A
female
reader, I care  +, writes (6 April 2008):
 you know it's very easy to take our partner for granted sometimes in relationships but fact is you already new her insecurities and you crossed a line women have a hard time getting over these things but usually in the end we do however you stated you think about other women this is not good especially if you say you want to marry this girl.You need to sit down and figure out what you really want and quit creating head games in your own head before you can presue her again. And if you decide that she is truely the one for you then you need to show her this and not play her for some fool treat her with respect and love and reassure her when she is feeling insecure. She should be your #1 not your #2.
...............................
A
female
reader, Cindy303 +, writes (6 April 2008):
 Russell,First off, I am sorry that you have lost the woman tha tyou seemed to love alot. You loved her so much that you allowed her to tell you that you could not be running with your friends because she would not tollerate that bahaviour. Love is about alot of things. I think that its very important for both males and females to have time away now and again. A girls night out, a guys night at the casino. Whatever it may be. Its healthy and important. You should not have lied to her abuot it, but I can understand why you did. You were out late, you knew she would be angry for that, so you made up a story to protect her and then realised quickly that it was wrong and you tried to fix it. From what you wrote here, it just sounds like she is a little too controlling. Why cant you have a guys night out? Why cant you be out late once in awhile? Whats wrong with that? Does she go to shopping and have lunch with the girls? I know when your heart is breaking you try to fix that pain. But, I think that if you contact her you need to sit down with her and talk about these rules. So you went out with the guys late one night. Is she not mature enough to handle that? If you were out sleeping around, then that I can see why she would leave. The only thing you did bad was lie, and you tried to fix it. She walked away when you tried. No relationship is perfect. We all make mistakes and you were punished for trying to fix it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (6 April 2008):
She can be insecure, she can need reassurance, but she can't keep you inside where she can see you 24 hours a day.
Breaking up with you because you were home late is very extreme.
If you want to make it work with her then you need to talk to her and you both need to set down some ground rules.
Tell her what you want and what makes you happy, and she should tell you the same.
You can go out with your friends, she should go out with her friends, you should go out together more.
It sounds like you see your friends as a whole different world to your girlfriend. Why not invite them round so she can get to know them? Why not take her out with you when you go to a cassino?
Find out what makes her insecure and find ways to reassure her. Tell her she's beautiful A LOT. Text her when you are out and let her know what is going on.
The worst case is that she is not ready to date you yet because she is still so damaged by what her ex-husband did. In that case be her friend until she gets some confidence back.
Good Luck xx
...............................
|
