A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I m a gay guy in Toronto, who is still quite discreet in my relationships. I m not totally out.Sometime in February, a guy contacted me and we met at a coffee shop for our first meeting. We chatted for a long time and then decided to meet again for an outing.We met after almost 2 months and went out for dinner and then met again and after another date that week, i spent the night with him. We had a good time and I chatted and thought I finally found a soulmate although he told me he had a steady long distance mate.Then on another date, we were just chatting and he mentioned I have a beautiful man to spend time with.as i thought we were just having a casual chat, I mentioned , men arent beautiful but handsome and manly and that he was but an average person just like I was. he immediately said , it changes everything. I then replied that if he wished i could call him handsome. All the time I was quite casual and assumed he was too. But to my dismay,he was very serious and I didnt realize it. He got quite cold and distant that evening and he didnt say anything. after the evening out , we went out for dinner and I still couldnt guage his feelings.after dinner, he dropped me home rather than spend the night together.three days later i emailed him and enquired about his weekend and then asked him if he was alright cause i found him distant and cold and I asked him if I had said something or did something.I got an immediate reply saying I said something and then I did something immediately later that changed everything. he doesnt want to see me ever again.He just put an proverb saying : all things truthful need not be said out loud:I sent an immediate reply apologizing unreservedly although I still didnt know what I said or did.I didnt get a reply. I waited for sometime and after 2 weeks I sent an apology letter again. No replyI know the relationship is over. But not knowing what I said or did is killing me. In general, I havent ever hurt a person like this. I m really stressed outWhat should I do? I liked this person and cannot forget the few good evenings we had togetherPlease help
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 June 2012):
 I admit that the idea of a guy, gay or hetero, who goes around saying " oh I am so beautiful " strikes me as hilarious.
But, yes, you sort of put your foot in your mouth . And you know what you did, since you mention it. You told him " no you are not beautiful , you are just average " and it smarted. Either he thought you were aiming at cutting him down to size for no reason, or he hoped to have stunned you with his looks and was disappointed to find out that was not the case , or simply he is as vain as a peacock, but clearly your comment did not go down well.
Even less ,I guess, he liked when you added " I'll call you handsome if you wish ", that must have come off as very condescending.
What can you do ? maybe try to apologize for a third and last time, , explain him that NOW you got it why he was upset, that it was all a misunderstanding, and that you ARE attracted to him , as proven by the fact that you think of him and miss the times you spent together.
But I don't know if I would even bother. First, didn't you say he is already in a serious relationship. Second, he sounds really touchy, he may have a point but still it must be difficult to be around people with whom you have to walk on eggshells all the time.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (25 June 2012):
 p.s. I think he overreacted if that's all that happened. If he's so sensitive you'd have been likely to inadvertently put your foot in it sooner or later! Maybe you're best off out of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2012): He was offended because he thought he was a smooth operator until you rejected his cheesy line AND told him you only found him to be average! Being told he was average obviously hurt his vanity. Having his line of cheese batted back to him, probably made him question his `pulling power` AND that was all compounded, when you asked if he would like you to call him handsome. That would have sounded very condescending. So he threw a hissy fit, chucked his toys out of his pram and left! This was easy for him to do because he already has a partner, so he doesnt feel he is losing anything by ditching you. Remember he is a cheater, so he has few morals and will think nothing of leaving you puzzled, hurt and without s proper explanation. I wouldnt waste any more time thinking about him. He is his partners problem.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (25 June 2012):
You hurt his feelings by calling him 'average'. There's no need to be blunt if some is average and think they are beautiful. You don't really need to say anything at all - unless they go on and on about it. He did reply and tell you what had gone wrong. I don't know if you can save this except by telling him what you wrote here about the few good evenings you had with him; sounds like it might be too late.
You've learnt a lesson for next time.
Good luck.
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