A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my ex and i broke up on good terms a week ago because we both saw it coming and knew it was inevitable. he and i have a child together and i'm still living with him until i find a job to move out. i was verbally abused quite a bit in the relationship and somewhat controlled when i was even aware of it. he states i was controlling and verbally abusive as well, however, i didn't see what i was doing as controlling and yes i believe sometimes i was verbally abusive but not to the extent he was. he and i are very different people, so we clashed on a lot of things. he did so many things that aggravated me and vice versa.but i can't stop regretting breaking up with him for some reason. why is this? i know people are saying to get it over the relationship i have to move out and grieve or whatever. i feel like we didn't exhaust all our options before throwing in the towel. i feel like we should have tried couples counseling now that we ended everything. i mean, fuck i constantly reread the negative shit that went down between us however all i keep thinking of was the aspirations we had together, and the positive things he did for me. should i wait longer and see how a feel a month or more from now? i'm trying to tell myself all i'm wanting is the familiarity of the relationship back, oh and i should mention we were together for 2.5 years. i dunno. he doesn't want to be back together or try and i know that. our relationship was not right and i know that, but why can't i think about that now? ugh this is incredibly frustrating. i can't even figure out what i want anymore. at the time when he asked me i want to still continue the relationship, i said no i think we are done. i was so sure, and now i'm not? what the hell. do i wait and see how my feelings are towards him? am i really wanting him or the idea? do i want him or the feeling of security knowing that someone is there for me no matter what? help!
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (27 April 2011):
I think you should give it some time. You said you both saw the break up coming and knew it was inevitable. Now he doesn't want to get back together, so you should leave it at that and try to focus your energy on healing yourself. remind yourself that you are better off without this relationship, remind yourself of how bad the relationship was.
I dont' think you really want the reality, you want what you wish it was and what you hope it could be. So maybe you want to get back together because you feel that if only you are still together, there is still a faint hope that maybe the relationship can be what you always hoped it would be. But once you're broken up then it's final, no more hope. Maybe you fear being alone and thus are clinging to the relationship? Or maybe you feel guilt or some sense of failing and that's why you want the relationship to continue (to ease those specific negative feelings) even though the relationship itself was a source of negativity...??
or maybe you have become emotionally dependent on him or the relationship, which can happen if there was a lot of emotional and verbal abuse going on in the relationship. abusive relationships can wear down your confidence and self esteem so that you feel even worse alone than while in the crappy relationship...?
However, remember what the day to day reality was, and how crappy the relationship actually was. Why do you think anything would be different if you got back together? Couples counseling only works if both partners are committed to trying to make the relationship work. But he doesn't want to try any more. Dragging him to couples counseling wont' do any good, it will just waste your money.
if you're having a very tough time dealing with this or figuring out what you want, it may help to talk with a counselor one on one.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 April 2011):
 Why don't you try couples counselling. You can go by yourself first and if he asks you what you are up to then tell him this is what you are doing. People deserve second chances. You have to say good bye to the bad relationship and see if a new relationship is possible with him. You said you didn't exhaust all avenues so do this at least you can get that out of your mind. Even if he doesn't come with you to counselling you can learn a thing or two about how to communicate better.
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