A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Bit of a long and I'll admit quite a convoluted question here. A while back I told one of my friends that I liked her as more than a friend and she was super cool about it but she said that she didn't feel the same way. Anyway, we stayed friends for a few years after that but ended up having a pretty bad falling out a couple years back. To this day I haven't been able to not think about her. Part of it is me still having feelings for her even though I know that there is no way we will ever be together as well as being jealous of her current boyfriend and wondering what he has that I don't and wondering why it couldn't work with my friend and I but it's not jealousy in an angry, resentful kind of way. In the time since we had the falling out like I said, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her and I have tried to contact her with little success because I just feel so bad about what I said and part of me wishes that there was some way that we could get together and try and straighten things out but the other part of me knows that seeing her again would just bring all of those feelings I have for her back. and even if we do somehow get together and talk we would still probably end up ending our friendship again but possibly on better terms. and at this point I don't know what is worse. Feeling all of this guilt, sadness, regret and jealousy and trying to overcome it or thinking that even in the best case scenario we still end up not being able to be friends, and which one would I rather feel? So I guess my question is what do I do? I know that I have to move on and find someone else but how do I deal with all of these feelings of guilt, regret and jealousy in the meantime? and how do I deal with this conflict of emotions of both wanting to see her again and tell her how sorry i am about what I said and wanting to make things right and to have her in my life again but at the same time knowing how hard it would probably be and wondering if i could deal with saying goodbye to her as a friend again if we did manage to sort things out between usAnyway, I hope that all made sense. Any help is appreciated. Thanks
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female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (16 June 2015):
 How do you deal with these feelings? Recognize that you're playing "what if," and it's driving you crazy. The guilt, regret, and jealousy - all of that is predicated on the idea of the life you might be having with her instead of her current boyfriend, IF she liked you romantically, which she says she does not, and IF she wasn't with someone else already, which she is.
I know it's tough to accept, but that's a heck of a lot of "if."
Unfortunately, no matter how much you like her there is no graceful way for you to keep pursuing this. She has told you she is not interested, and if she values the relationship she is in now she will be obligated to ignore your efforts to contact her, knowing that they are motivated by more than "just friendship." Anything less would be unfair to her current partner, just as you probably wouldn't appreciate a girlfriend maintaining emotional ties with a guy you knew wanted a relationship with her while she was seeing you. By contacting her now, you'll only set yourself up for further hurt and further jealousy when you force her to choose between keeping the peace in her current relationship and replying or meeting up to give you closure. The choice she makes won't be the choice you're hoping for. Don't put yourself through that.
I think (and from your post, I think you understand) that it's time to let her go and move on. Take the things you said that you now regret and hang on to that insight when you're at a crossroads as to how to treat someone in the future. That way this isn't just a negative in your life, it's a life experience you learned and grew from having lived.
Good luck and best wishes moving forward from this.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 June 2015):
Your issue is not the girl, it's insecurity. While it's tempting to look at this as if there is something wrong with you, it's only an issue of compatibility.
Maybe she likes jerks, guys with beards, sailor tattoos, skinny guys, muscular guys, smart guys, dumb guys, etc. There's no telling why she said no (you probably put yourself in the friend zone). Either way there are plenty of girls who would be happy to date you.
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