A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey. Some thing is really bugging me. Some times when me and my boyfriend are jokeing aroung he'll say hes going to rape me and i get turned on by that. I know rapeing is wrong and very bad so why would i get turned on by this when my boyfriend says this? Is there some thing wrong with me? Thanks for your time and help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): Being dominated by a lover in bed is very different to rape. The very fact that you are consenting to have sex with him means it's not real rape. Loads of women (& men too actually) like being dominated or 'taken' by their partners but they are giving consent and if they said 'i'm not in the mood' or 'not now' their partner would stop! Actual real rape is very different indeed so don't worry. Personally I like being dominated in bed and my partner asked me 'do you have rape fantasy?' (he has violent sex fantasies) and i said to him 'no, i just like being dominated in bed by you' and he got the difference. The whole point of rape as a legal term is that it is 'non consensual sex' and in your case i think it's just a question of terminiology. Personally I prefer to use the term dominant sex with a man I want to actually have sex with, rather than 'rape'. Sometimes the phrase you use can cause the confusion. Just enjoy having a happy healthy sex life! Lots of people get turned on by all different types of sex.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010): I'd just like to say, Faraday...wow, what you posted really made me look at this from a different angle too. I think it is about that idea of losing control, inhibitions, of being "ravished" by someone else, as that answer says. Whether it actually is "rape" or not is debatable, if it would actually sexually arouse the submissive person in the situation.
I hope what you posted has helped the lady asking this question, it has given me a new perspective on this topic! The bottom line being...we all have fantasies which may differ from those of others, but as long as no one gets hurt, I think it is all fine. x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): Wanting your BF to take you forcefully is a very common sexual fantasy among women. You don't need to be so ashamed about it.
It's not the same thing as literally wanting to be raped in the more awful sense. It's different from wanting to be raped totally against your will by a stranger or something.
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A
male
reader, Faraday  +, writes (22 February 2010):
 I know that you are neither alone nor odd, from what I have read on here and other sites - the number of ladies who mention rape fantasy is amazing!
Another recurrent theme was that of Daddy/Uncle/little girl. Generally, the ladies have no idea where the fantasy comes from: nothing specific in their past, jist another fantasy - we all have them!
I have never really considered rape play or fantasy, because the idea of any form of violence towards women is abhorrent to me – I have murder in my heart when I think about it.
A while ago, I did a little digging on Google because I was mystified by the widespread nature of "Rape" fantasy, and seen it from a different angle.
This has put quite a different perspective on it for me and I am prepared to consider it, with suitable safety precautions.
I was guided to certain sites which I have not yet had the time to investigate, but will pass them on to you, for what they are worth.
Somebody said “I use www.puretna.com to download videos as everything has feedback and preview pics so you know it’s genuine, and pics come from all over the place like http://rape.mysik.net/ and http://www.pichunter.com/all/bdsm.shtml and I like to keep up to date with this forum http://www.rapeboard.com/”
Also, an article that I have read and did give me a fresh view on the subject is:- www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/rape_fantasy_or_domination_and_submission_desires - 25k)
But just in case you have difficulty, I have copied it for you:-
"Rape fantasy or domination and submission desires?
Advice
BDSM
consensual force fantasy
consent
D/s
fantasy
negotiation
partner
rape fantasy
safewords
sex
submission
Nunya asks:
I am 24 and a sexually active woman. I have a fantasy that I have told no one about because it’s embarrassing. I keep having fantasies about being held down and forced to have sex. It really turns me on too. Is this normal? (No I have never been raped or molested, so it’s not some psychological thing coming out.) I want to ask my boyfriend to do a role-play with me about forcing himself on me but I don't want him to think I am a psycho nut-ball. Would this be safe and healthy as long as we made up something, a codeword like "reindeer" or something so that if I got scared or it got to rough one of us could say the code word and we stop? Do other people have this fantasy or am I really a psycho nut-ball?
Heather replies:
It's important to understand that rape is only sex for the person doing the raping. And really, it's not even that, since partnered sex is something we do WITH someone, not TO someone, or have done TO us.
A person being raped does not have control over the situation, isn't consenting and IS literally being forced or coerced. The person being raped also isn't sexually gratified, nor are they consenting to sex or having any say at all in who is assaulting them, or what is happening. For someone being raped, rape isn't sex: it's an assault. And fantasies people have about rape usually -- like a lot of fantasy -- aren't all that realistic. For instance, many people aren't held down when their raped, nor is their rapist someone they find sexually attractive. What makes something rape isn't being held down in a given way, or being called a "dirty slut," or a given sexual activity happening: what makes something rape is when one person does something sexual to another person which that other does not want. You're expressing wanting this, so you aren't talking about rape.
In other words, I think it's off-base to classify what you are describing as a rape fantasy, even though I know it commonly is called that in our culture. But you know, our culture is pretty messed-up about rape, and has a very bad habit of conflating or confusing rape with sex. It isn't rape or anything even resembling rape when we have safe-words, when we are asking someone to do something sexual to us based on our wants and likes. We aren't being forced to have sex when we are asking to be held down and/or asking for someone to have sex with us.
I'm nitpicky about this because as a survivor myself and as an advocate for other rape survivors, I feel it's critical not to confuse what rape is, or confuse "rape" fantasy with fantasizing about bottoming or BDSM sex, which seems to be what you're talking about. You're talking about wanting a certain kind of consensual sex, which you can stop at any time, based on your wants and needs: that isn't rape, nor does that have anything to do with rape. Really, if we lived in a better world, there wouldn't even be anything about rape at sex education sites, because it just has nothing to do with sex. The only reason we discuss it here is that so many of us have been raped, and it can have some big effects on our sexuality, because so many people confuse rape with sex, because rape creates some sexual health issues, and because rape is so prevalent and widespread that anywhere we can talk about it, we will, in the hopes than we can help eradicate it. Some people do report having what sounds more like rape fantasy -- where they do NOT have any control over who does this to them, have no say in what happens throughout, and are in severe emotional distress -- but from what we know, that's quite rare.
I'm also nitpicky about this because we want to be careful classing any kind of sex which everyone is consenting to and enjoying as rape.
I'm not saying any of this to make you feel ashamed: there's never any reason to feel ashamed about sexual fantasy or seeking to enact them consensually. It's just a slippery issue in terms of what we call things, how rape is viewed, and where the line really is between rape and sex, which is an important line for everyone to keep in mind. Once full consent of everyone involved is in place, it's sex, not rape.
But yes: other people like to fantasize in ways like you are -- sometimes called, which I think is much more accurate, ravishment or consensual force fantasy -- and/or engage in sex in which one partner "bottoms" (or submits) and the other "tops," (or dominates) or in all sorts of role-play, or where they are being held down or constricted in some way. That doesn't mean anyone who has those desires is a "psycho nut-ball." We all differ very greatly in our desires, and many people's desires include domination and submission and power hierarchies. While people who like and electively choose to "bottom" vary like anyone else, one thing many often say about why it is appealing is because they enjoy feeling as if they do not have to be the person in control, or the person responsible or calling the shots: many describe bottoming as being about trust and surrender. It's also not sage to suppose that consensual force fantasies are more common among rape survivors (from what we know, they aren't), but some survivors have expressed/do express that it can sometimes feel healing to engage in a form of 'forced" sex in which they, as they were not during actual rape, DO have control.
If your partner is also interested in, and feels good about, this sort of role-play, and you also feel good about it, and the two of you can negotiate it as you would any other kind of sex, have sex safety in place as you would with any other kind of sex (including use of a safe-word, as you suggested, that is understood to mean stop the moment it's said, but also with it being clear that HE can stop at any time), then there's really no reason to posit this kind of sex would be any less safe or healthy than any other. As with any other kind of sex, too, but particularly with something which may or will press against the edges of anyone's boundaries, the more specific you can both get about what you are and are not okay with in advance, the better. For instance, you say you want a safe-word for if this gets "too rough," so it's also a good idea to talk in advance about what you think or know might be too rough, so your partner doesn't go there at all.
Just be aware that he may or may not want to engage in this, and remember that just like many people may not want to enact this kind of sex from the bottom, plenty of people won't want to do it from the top, either.
Even though this really isn't about rape, not everyone wants to role-play being someone forcing -- even when it's not for real -- another person into sex. It might bother him -- or he just may not find it sexy -- to act that way or have someone see him that way, even in a consensual, negotiated scenario.
Hopefully, you're in a sexual relationship where your partners cares about you enough, and is sensitive enough where you shouldn't have to ever worry about just bringing up a fantasy, even if it's one he doesn't want to participate in. We shouldn't even have to worry about being ridiculed or mistreated by a partner for discussing our desires, even when they aren't the same as our partner's or when those desires are unusual. If you don't feel like you have that kind of relationship with your partner, no matter what it is you want, we'd always advise that you choose only sexual partners -- for anything -- who you know treat you and your sexuality with care and sensitivity. If you DO have that, bringing this up should be okay, especially when you make clear that you're expressing a desire which you'd like to enact, but which a) he isn't obligated to, nor should he feel obligated to, agree to, and b) that if he does want to explore it, he gets to have terms/safeties of his own as well as you."
I must admit that before reading this, I felt that even the very thought of “play” rape was repugnant to me as I said earlier, even in role-play.
I can see with this scenario that the violence is not real and nobody is at risk of being unintentionally hurt.
I apologise for the length of this reply, but I was somewhat disturbed by the prevalence of rape fantasy and I didd a little research, as you can see. Although not totally at ease with it, I can see the attraction between consensual adults if there is trust in the relationship and nobody gets hurt.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 February 2010):
 Absolutely normal.. Fantasy and Reality are two different things. Many men and women find they get turned on by the "fantasy" of rape. It's about being forced to give up control, and not taking consequences for your sexual decisions. In reality we got to wear condoms or sort out sexual protection. We worry about if we are fat or thin, or if the guy/girl will like us. In rape fantasies, none of this happens, we just have sex (bet there is no pain in your rape fantasies) because all our choices and decisions are taken away from us.
Nancy Friday, did a study of fantasies of women, (Secret Garden/Forbidden Flowers) and she found that the rape fantasy was very popular. Even women who had been raped in reality, still had the ability to have a "rape fantasy". In the past many women's romance novels were based on this fantasy and called "bodice rippers". Slave with master, king with servant, that kind of thing, where the woman is forced and has no choice, but the sex is always fantastic.
Don't worry, it doesn't make you abnormal, fantasies are a funny thing, and it doesn't mean your disrespecting rape victims or making their experience seem trivial.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with you at all. Yes, rape is a terrible crime, and nobody should ever have to experience that. But I have found that people have all kinds of fantasies, and different things turn on different people. Some people get turned on at the idea of receiving pain. Some like the idea of being in charge, of dominating somebody else. Others like the idea of being dominated. The list is endless, and I think it is all perfectly normal.
Maybe it turns you on because you like the idea of being submissive? Or because the idea of somebody else being in control is appealing? It could mean anything to you. Just as long as your boyfriend IS joking, and not going to do anything to hurt you, then I personally think it is okay for you to feel the way you do. Hope this helps. x
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