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female
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*ostmommy
writes: I'm not sure where to start or how to make this brief, but I will try. I met my now husband on line and he moved from TX to NY just to be with me. I'd always had doubts though because he didn't seem to have the capability to say I love you to me due to an ex wife and ex fiance who both cheated on him. Needless to say an unexpected pregnancy led us to matrimony 3 years later. Our son is now 3 and after countless times of asking him to cut communication with her he acts as if I was never clear on how much I hated her and despised her interference in our lives. I blame her for the 2nd of most painful hurts in his life that made him the way he was with me and his son. We had never heard these words. Through the past 3 years she has sent a postcard, a gag gift (which he lied about who it was from), emails, phone calls to his cell and to this day I am so confused as to why he never completely walked away. She was married back in 2000 but he has made it clear she was not so happy w/her husband. I know this also because I am a snoop, being cheated on countless times in my past has made me suspicious and mistrustful. Though I know my husband does not intentionally wish to hurt us, this "friendship" with her has destroyed my faith in him. Every time he says he's done or hasn't responded, I find another email from her and she's made it clear that she regrets not taking him up on the 2nd chance he offered way back (before me, I think). She is in MS or AZ, I'm unsure, I even did a background report to find out cause he was going to TX for a funeral and I still don't know if she found out or he told her or they met up. I don't know what to believe, I'm afraid to confront him cause I found this stuff out by snooping. I found a "memory" box he brought w/him from TX when he first moved up here, I can't believe he would even keep anything from her after she betrayed him the way she did, and I've told him I don't understand how they could possibly have anything to build any type of friendship on. But the fact is, I believe she is still trying to contact him and he is just not telling me. When he went to TX for the funeral, he went a whole day w/o contacting me and did not answer his phone. He called in the wee hours of the next morning to apologize and 3 sentences came out of his mouth that have never. I'm sorry, I miss you and I love you. Now my paranoia is wondering "what did you do"? To have never said that to the 2 ppl in his life that never hurt him the way she did and after waiting 5 years to hear it, I'm wondering if it was out of guilt. I'm so confused, frustrated, depressed and don't know how to confront him of my fears and what I found. If anyone has any advice please let me know, I'm so afraid and lost and I've never felt this way to such an extreme that it effects my daily life. Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): Sociopaths are the ones who go out of there way to make other people miserable; this dominating and controling serves as "stimulus" as they are greatly lacking in the have deep emotional, feelings...they are wired different from us and do not feel remorse.
This EX takes delight in making your life HELL...and she is winning. That is what Sociopaths enjoy most.
I say it is time to get to a marriage counselor and have at there...you will have someone who will be able to see where you both are coming from and find common ground to work on.
The best "REVENGE" for the sociopath in your life is living a happy, successful life.
Work on your relationship and strenthen it so that even if the EX calls...it won't do a darned thing.
Best of LUck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): I agree that honesty is always best. Please read a book by Stephen R. Covey entitled "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families"- make this a partners project.
I also will suggest that you tell him how you feel without anger...ask him to just listen and digest it. After you are done; ask for some marriage counseling.
Say that you love him and that you want the marriage to work and that you believe that these two things is a start.
Do your best to not critize and point out when he has done something you liked and compliment him.
Save any hurt and anger with a mediator who will help you to approach the subject calmly and clearly. A mediator/counselor will be able to keep you both focused and productive in expressing yourselves as well as stop you from both re-acting and starting to think and consider before responding.
Most arguements are just people re-acting to what someone is saying as usually what is being said is basically pointing out "faults" eg. being hurt because of lack of consideration which will effect the trust and respect in a relationship.
Best of luck Sweetie.
*hugs*
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): I totally understand what your going through, the same thing happened to me, except that my husband has a 15 yr old daughter with her. Both him and her used the excuse of the daughter too keep in contact, way too much. She also cheated on my husband several times and I don't understand how can he be so friendly with her. One day she was upset at him, maybe because he would not give her more child support or an advancement (like always) She called me at my job to tell me that they were still in touch and that they talked about ME...he told her all the things he hated about me. At this time I had just had his son, he was only 3 months old and the way I loved him, now I can stand him, I feel betrayed, he hurted me so much, he even told her that he thought I was jealous of her. Which is all not true..Yes we had problems because of her, always calling the house, trying to ruin our plans, always wanting more child support or else she wouldn't let him see their daughter and Ofcourse I would get mad, but he would interpret it as if I was jealous and I just wanted him to see that she just wanted to break us apart, I mean this lady cheated on him, why did he trust her or ask her for advice if she's an EX for a reason. So she ended with our marriage, my love for him vanished when she made the phonecall to me. I feel very hurt and sad because he did it to our son also.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2005): Why have you tolerated this for so long, dear? I feel sad that you've had to wait so long to hear those words, but why would you marry a man who would 'not' say those words, in the first place, hun? Listen, he's been dancing around with you for five years now and this dance has produced a little one who needs two loving, committed parents. It is time for him to stop playing games and hurting you and your son and he needs to begin acting like grownup husband and father.
There is nothing like an ex-wife in the wings to make it difficult to fully commit and give everything to a relationship. She has to go and you have the right to insist on it. His ex-wife has been an effective armor for him against making a full commitment to you and this child and it has to stop. If it is not addressed, things will get worse. You cannot be expected to continue monitoring his every move, day and night. He is supposed to be able to manage on his own in this department and you should be able to trust the guy.
You need to confront your fears, get strong and come clean with him on all you know. This may be the start of finally you both beginning to live your marriage together in a more loving, open, honest fashion. I suggest you also add your "voice" to this marriage and respect yourself enough to know what you will and will NOT tolerate, dear. Stickto your guns. If you start setting tougher boundries, then your husband will rethink what he is doing. You take a chance as there is no guarantee that if and when he does rethink things, his change will be in a direction you desire. You have nothing to lose by being open and honest with him...so just do it.
But the fact that you are still together and he has finally said "he loves you" when calling you from Texas tells me that he might have some commitment. That sliver of commitment is enough of a place to stand to begin again. Perhaps he's had a time of soul-searching, and has decided that you and this boy are precious to him, after all. It could be time for both of you to submit to that third entity in your lives that he has been ignoring, called the 'Marriage'. Find a counselor committed to restoring broken marriages. Find some friends or family that can be supportive. Both of you hug your child close to you. Hold onto that family. Out of ashes, people have used determination, love, forgiveness, and grace to grow the best of families. And don't forget to tell him, the ex-wife is OUT of this marriage. He may not like it, but he'll have to accept it if he wants to have a life with you and his child. If all else fails, you may have to think of a separation. If he doesn't want to priorize you and his son in his life, by loving you..then there are people and things that cannot be fixed. Instead, they must be cried over and mourned. You may be forced to leave him and begin afresh. Be strong and take care.
Hugs, Irish
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reader, sexseahot  +, writes (26 October 2005):
 lostmommy,
First off, if this is bothering you everyday, you need to have a talk with your husband. Nothing will get resolved unless you do. You can't do this yourself. If you think something is not right, let him know. Tell him to tell you the whole truth, no matter what it is cause that's what you deserve. If he's lying to you for this ex wife of his, then he needs to choose what he really wants. It's not fair to you or his son. No one deserves that kind of treatment.
Tell him to cut all ties with his ex-wife, there isn't any reason for them to still communicate with eachother. Ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same thing to him. I doubt he'd appreciate it and tell him to see this from your point of view, he's being disrespectful to your wishes. Why must he do this, is he unhappy with you? Does he miss his ex-wife? What? Let him know you do not understand what he's trying to get out of this and that you are losing faith in him.
Let him know all the feelings you have like you said in what you wrote here. He needs to know these feelings, you need to communicate better to make a relationship work. You think something's not right, you let him know this so that maybe he can fix this. Let him know that you know he is lying about communicating with her and tell him you don't appreciate being lied to. There's nothing worse then hiding information from the person that you love.
I hope this information helps, I hope you let him know how you feel and let him know you can't handle this anymore. The secrets, the lying, anything like that. You'd rather move on then deal with someone like that.
Good Luck in your choices you make. I hope things get better for you and he straightens up and realizes what he's doing to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2005): you both need to talk to eachother and be totally honest about how you feel. Ask him outright if he loves you and wants to be with you and if he still has feelings for his ex. Let him understand that his actions are making you feel insecure. If you dont communicate to eachother about how you are thinking then nothing will be resolved.
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reader, Allyson73 +, writes (26 October 2005):
First of all, He is having too hard of a time letting go of the past to start a future. It sounds as if you love him, but enless he has children with this other person, he either needs to walk away from her or you. Be strong there are soo many others out there, don't be afraid to be alone!!
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