A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:It's coming up to the anniversary of being together with my girlfriend who I really really love to death, we're both really happy with each other and are really looking forward to many more years together. Before we were going out on nights in pubs and clubs she would occassionally get cigarretes and smoke them all in the night. I cannot stand smoking at all, it really really bothers me. There are no benefits and it looks hideous. I used to tell her this but she had no reason to do anything about it then.We got together just before Halloween. At the halloween party she had a few cigarretes and I went home because I just couldn't be around it. She came after me and promised me that she wouldn't do it anymore and I believed her. Now over the year I always had the gut feeling that when she went out with her friend alone who also does this on nights out, she still does it. But I trusted her but there were signs. A couple of days ago I found a box of cigarettes in her room and she had been out with her friend. It's almost exactly a year since we had our last smoking argument and she promised me she wouldnt do it again. I know most people dont think smoking is a big deal but it is to me and on top of that, she has lied to me and is hiding it from me. My issue is whether while out she thought I wouldnt find out and just went ahead anyway or didnt even think of me at all. What do I do? If I bring it up it causes a massive argument. If I dont...Well, I dont know.
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female
reader, honeychild4402 +, writes (11 October 2008):
 i was exaclty like your girlfriend with my last partner! he was a health freak, and i liked the occasional cigerette on a night out, hovever 1 day he caught me and we had a huge argument over it..to which i promised him i wouldnt smoke again, but then a few weeks later i find myself doing it again and again, and 1 drunken nite i actually told him i didnt give a shit what he thinks, im still gonna smoke! he finnaly got off my back but i could tell he hated it, but i carried on for a while then stopped cause i knew it wasnt fair, however, i would have stopped way before that if he had put his foot down and demanded it was either him or the cigerettes and that if he caught me that would be the end..but he didnt say anything of the sort! anyway we're not together anymore ...not coz of the smoking thing tho for a diff reason! but my point is the same as the few above, let her choose between you and the 'cigerettes' im sure you mean more than a bunch of cancer sticks
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): i think you need to tell her its gonna be either you or the cigarettes.i dont think she has an actual addiction as most people have when they smoke.the reason im saying this is becuz it appears to me that she does most of her smoking when she is out with her friends in a social setting.which can be addicting in itself,but i dont think shes actually addicted to nicotine....its seems to be more of a bad habit.and if thats the case,then she can quit much easier than if she were addicted to the nicotine in the cigarettes.if she loves you enough,she will stop doing it.put your foot down and let her know,dont yell at her but just let her know how it has to be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to those who have answered this question. I think that the bad feelings I have are about it being a big deal, shes damaging herself and shes damaging us. But I'm not ready to let this break us apart.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): I am going through the same thing with my husband of 3 years. I was sexually abused by a man that smoked and from then on I DESPISED it! It makes me sick and brings back all kinds of memories (bad ones). My husband then started smoking at work after we had an argument, and to this day will tell me he stared out if spite for me!!! I told him how i feel and why I feel that way...he told me millions of times that he was sorry and he will never do it again...but he still does. every promise is now expected to be broken. He started to chew (wich really for his health is no better) but he will still "slip" and "Promis never to do it again" we are married and there is HUGE trust and honesty issues still...my advice to you is to lay down the law and ask her if you are worth it, if you mean more than a ciggerette. If she cant find enogh will power to quit for someone she loves then there will be big problems throught the relationship. lies will come as no big deal to her and not just about smoking!! trust me, im there! Try to help her and support her trying to quit, and get her friens involved as well...its worth a shot to help her. I did this and we ALMOST got there, but remember dont be surprised when she "slip" and trys to lie and cover it up, because it will happen its just a matter of being honest about it. If you dont have honesty and RESPECT, the relationship will never be ok. she needs to know that she is not respecting you!
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