A
male
age
41-50,
*hris79
writes:I was a recently engaged to a woman who i have been with for the past year and a half. Our relationship has always been somewhat turbulent, due to many extensive factors, however the majority being her unwillingness to find a job, her desire to use me as a means to receive a monthly allowance and my bipolar disorder. We became engaged relatively early after about 4 months of seeing each other, as i truly believed at the time, that this was the woman i wanted to spend my life with. Soon after becoming engaged i noticed a number of things that i did not like about this woman, notably being her violent temper and occasional desire to resort to violence, she hit me twice about 5 months after we met. I should have left her then, after having been an abusive relationship with a women for a year who also used to physically abuse me. Granted, i am 6ft2 and am a swimmer, so i am well built, but i would never lay a hand on a woman, never, even if the situation warranted retaliation.This really wounded me, i felt betrayed by my fiance and every time she became vicious with me, the name calling and constant slamming the phone down in my ear, became just too much. I became dead inside and for the next year our relationship was worse than ever before, as i became depressed and she began to resent me even more for it. Despite her behaviour, i stood by her. I am in investment banking and received a number of job offers overseas in different countries, none which really interested me, and she blames me to this day for having promised to take her overseas, but at the time the offers were not feasible to take this course of action. She insisted that i pay her an allowance since she was not working and that because i was waiting to go overseas she did not have the opportunity to get a job. Initially she had a job, but quit this saying that she hated the job and rather wanted to be with me, since we lived in different cities at the time. I did not force her to give up this job and i encouraged her to take a transfer, but ultimately she hated the company this much.I have spent roughly S65000 USD on an engagement ring, jewellry, holidays, perfumes, presents, allowances and everything she could possibly ever want, only to get told that in the end i never gave her enough.In our relationship my fiance has broken up with me numerous times, i have many sms's from her where she said the wedding was off and with her father offering to pay for the wedding, that i would not be held accountable for any of the expenses, since she wanted to end it. It was like emotional manipulation to the highest degree.To cut a long story short, 2.5 months before the wedding, we started fighting intensely to the extent that i sought counselling for the two of us. In front of my own counsellor she said that she did not want the relationship anymore. This cut me deeply, and after this i indicated that i had personally had enough and that she should go home and get on with her life, since she did not want this. She went home and cancelled all the wedding arrangements, and now is trying to seek legal advice to claim for the money she spent on the wedding (i also incurred costs which i have not claimed from her), knowing fully well that her own actions resulted in this situation. Luckily there is no email or written correspondence ever indicating my committments to pay anything to her and i have all the sms's where she broke up with me and indicated i would not be responsible. Despite this i still tried to patch up our relationship, but the rift as grown so huge after she brought her parents and friends into the situation to gang up and attack me, claiming that i am self-centred and hurt her. Her father had the audacity to lecture me about bipolar disorder as if to suggest i am totally bonkers!! But no one knows the real truth, and no one is even interested!! Not once have i involved my family in this, because i tried to rectify things with her. It is however over now and i am dealing with her via legal correspondence, quite frankly i never want to see her again.I know its normally men that do this to women, but in my case i have been wronged. Why do women do this to men? Can woman attack men legally like this? I am struggling so much with my bipolar as a result of this whole relationship, it has cut me so deeply. Does anyone have any advice on how to get through this, please?
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broke up, depressed, different countries, engaged, fiance, money, violent, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): Hi Chris,E-mail me any time on at this site. (I need to register with a name first) I will respond later as I have to do the school run,All best,caroline
A
male
reader, Chris79 +, writes (19 November 2008):
Chris79 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your kind words again, Caroline. They are incredibly heart felt and are a pillar of strength for me through this hard time.I cannot fathom the downright avaricious behaviour you were subjected to. I honestly dont know which part of the planet these people originate from, but it almost appears to be a recurring pattern of abuse which they insist on promulgating in other peoples lives. It wounds me to think that i am not the only one on the end of this suffering, and that people actually consistently do this to others.I received another nasty letter from her attorney's today, which my advocate is in the process of dealing with. My advocate is not standing for it and is one of the leading divorce attorney's in the country. He insists she will not get one penny, especially considering the gross ingratitude she has displayed with regard to everything she has managed to misle out of me!!How did you manage to make it through your legal proceedings? Were you on any medication? Did you see other people? Did you get away on weekends with your child?Caroline, please do mail me i would really love to continue chatting. Please would you send me a private mail so that i can supply you with email address, i cannot find your username to send a mail to unfortunately!Thank you again for your wordly advice, it is much treasured, highly appreciated and really fills a gap in me which has been lost to this disaster. Thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): Anonymous here! I find reading your posts so horrifically familiar it actually makes my stomach turn! Having given this an awful lot of thought before talking to you and again talking to you I think the more disposable income you have and the more generous you are the more these people treat you badly. I noted with both my husbands that they sort of expected me to buy things for them and like you I am talking expensive things new cars, boats and the like and then if for any reason one month you couldn't then they would get the hump and become moody. I tried very hard to share my money with them both and was never the type that was mean, if they were happy I was happy but it appears that I was being used. Reading your post reminded me of the fact that Mark - husband number 2 , decided over something which I cannot even remember that he was no longer actually going to physically speak to me anymore. He kept this up for six months until he wanted me to sign some business papers so he could get some money out of an account to buy extra shares in his company and I was sitting in my car at the garden centre and the phone rang. Bearing in mind this man had not spoken to me or our child for so long communicating only with our nanny I was very wary so when I answered I said 'yes' and he then went into the ' hello darling how are you role play'. I remember thinking - what the f**k. I clearly pointed out that not one word had passed from his lips all year and so what did he want and he immediately asked me outright for money, dismissing the fact that there had been no speaking for months as if I was making it up. I actually had to think if I was going crazy for a minute and had imagined the non speaking and then I realised he was messing with my head on purpose. Such cruelty and over pure selfishness for cash. That is a typical scenario that they will treat you really badly until they want something and then you again become useful to them.I spoke to a friend last night who works in the police on general topics and he told me that women hitting men is extremely common but almost a taboo subject but that the police in the UK do recognize this as abuse. He says the taller the man and the smaller the woman from his experience the more likely it is to happen- also from people from upper middle class/ AB families. I am not at all surprised and think it may well origionate back to boarding school, being sent away from home early and not being listened to when young. Both my husbands went to good public schools at a very early age. I come from a different walk of life, my parents were academics but poor and I had to earn and make everything whereas these two came from wealthy backgrounds. I note these types as I have mentioned have no empathy or sympathy for others at all and are totally self obsessed.To answer your question of will this happen again and am I predisposed to these types I am not sure. Since my two awful marriages I have kept well away from going out with anyone at all. If I spend time with anyone I am constantly looking for signs that may indicate they are like that and if anyone even asks me to pay for a coffee I am wary! This is not good but I am so so wary. If I was you i would go out with a few women and not get serious in any way just have a bit of fun with them and do not under any circumstances start splashing the cash. I appreciate it appears we are attracted to this type so maybe if we are aware of it we can stop it and wean ourselves off. Have a good day,Caroline
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reader, Chris79 +, writes (18 November 2008):
Chris79 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous, thank you so much again! It would be really great to talk to you and hear your advice in future. Your perspectives are helping me immensely and i can identify with your personal scenarios so so much, they are just so initimately familiar!! Its really great to identify my emotions with someone else's, particularly someone who has been there! Please would you send me a mail so we can chat further?Do you believe that it is possible to have a normal relationship after all of this abuse? Do you think it is possible to not see fault in someone else after this sort intensity? I am terrified of involving myself with anyone in future, for fear of landing in this same scenario for a third time!! It is such an impediment to any sort of potential love, given the emotional scars and suspicion that others will only do the same given the amount i have to offer!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): I am the lady who said I thought your partner was mentally ill. Your story has a large number of similarities to mine. I have been married twice and each one took me for a lot of money and were verbally and physically abusive. I always seem to go for the same types. These guys were both academic and successful in the city which is how we met but then turned out to be very strange. I am quite a depressive type and they tended to play on my weaknesses to make me feel less of a person. I don't particularly enjoy socialising at works dos and would feel uncomfortable but both would accompany me and then leave me which would add to my sense of despair and loneliness. Both these men were highly attractive and were much chased by others - and both had no compassion or empathy for anyone.
Regarding her father lecturing you on your own illness, this is quite simply beyond the pale. How could he feel he had the right to talk about a subject to a sufferer as if he was an authority on the matter. That must have been pushed for by his daughter as most people would feel unless they were a sufferer or a consultant that they had no right to pass comment.
2 people I work with in the city, one an investment banker goes out with a high powered woman who literally beats the crap out of him. He is 6'4'' and she is tiny. He regularly appears with cuts to his head and face and just laughs it off. Apparently she abuses him over the smallest things, normally when something isn't excactly as she wants it. I have witnessed this on a boat where there was no where to hide and she didn't care just carried on punching, kicking and biting him in full view of others. The strangest thing was no one did a thing, the boat was moored so we all just got off and came back an hour or so later when it had calmed down. I asked him why did he stay with her and he said it was a normal pattern of their relationship. This guy is on £2m plus with bonuses and chooses to live like this!
A lot of women who have been spoilt all their lives by their parents and then various partners begin to feel the world owes them a living, especially if they are clever and good looking. They have a preconceived idea that they are entitled to what they want and if they don't get this fulfilled will become violent and nasty especially if they can detect any weaness in another. I have found that women are very likely to punch, kick and threaten if they don't get their own way and will manipulate any situation to get what they want. They also love to have control. Softer nature individuals should beware. The beggar story is a prime example of how they think, only concerned for themselves and how it may affect them. I truly feel that the only way out of this is to keep well away from her and deal only through solicitors. I too had councelling with my second husband and I felt we were there to sought things out and he said to the councellor that he was there because he wanted me to realise it was over. I would never have gone if I'd thought he would have said that as I had assumed you went to these people to resolve differences. Later in court he told lies about me and was very convincing. This really hurt as I wouldn't have behaved like that but I soon realised I had to fight back and so played him at his own game. He didn't like it. Mimicking their actions back to them is very successful and they hate it.
With this lady though I would avoid her like the plague and maybe play the field for a while not getting too serious with anyone until you see their true colours. Any hint that they may be the same then run!!
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reader, Chris79 +, writes (17 November 2008):
Chris79 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much Anonymous and Miss Potter. You have both given very different perspectives on the same problem, and both equally valuable. I agree that a person's personality is a function of their upbringing and background. I think it is probably unfair to attach the problem to gender or wealth or whatever dimension we are considering, so i understand this point of view. I certainly would not generalize when it comes to behavioural patterns, but i do believe that this is a slightly unique situation. Just a quick perusal through google doesnt yield much in terms of advice for the average emotionally or physically battered male. This in itself leads one to conclude that any sort of empathy for my situation is generally not found with any domain, usually because the male is always considered to be the instigator or aggresor. You are considered wrong by virtue of your sex. My previously relationship was an absolute abortion, almost a carbon copy of what is happening now but perhaps even worse. The distinguishing factor being that this person came from an abused home. I regularly visited her at night only to find her 3 glasses of wine down and ready for an argument, this always inevitably landed up in a plate or two being hurled my way, with the final insult being an introspective look into how i could be causing this! I honestly thought that i was the cause of all of it, ultimtely it was only my psychiatrist and one hospital visit later as a result of depressive/manic episode that allowed me to deconstruct the situation and realise that maybe it was me. I bailed this woman out of every conceivable piece of financial debt, bought her car as she had written hers off in a drinking binge the one night and also pampered her to death. In the end i received stitches in my chest and a vicious legal battle where she attempted to access my state on ground that we had lived together for a year and were married under common-law, of course this never succeeded!! So i believe a person is a function of their background to some extent, unfortunately you cannot help those that are bathed in a burning rage.Anonymous, you summed up my situation perfectly. Im not saying it because its just what i want to here. Without me even having mentioned it, you managed to ascertain that she is mentally unwell. She was diagnosed OCD by her psychiatrist a while ago and has been on anti-depressants for over a year even after she was told to go off them. A simple touch at the traffic lights by beggar whom she once gave money to resulted her being tears for an hour because she thought she had contracted HIV, you thought i would have figured out there was something wrong then!! She is incredibly manipulative and very quickly turned the entire situation on me, i have never been party to such avaricious behaviour and suffering from the debilitating condition i do, i was so embarrased when her father tried to lecture me about my condition. Anyhow that being said she is a patently vicious woman, i believe, who will wreak havoc in every man's life, so called spoilt brat syndrome with a nasty edge.But i do have a more serious problem. My last 3 relationships have all been like this, i seem to, for whatever reason always pick out the crazy. I do not have a hard time attracting women, usually incredibly attractive and normally highly intelligent (academically that is, the last one had two cum-laude university degree's - i am a CPA and have a masters in Finance, so am attracted to intelligence). I just dont understand why i pick these people that are so out-and-out vicious, cruel and subject to this morphing of personality? I am such a gentle person and literally move worlds for my partner, but i always seem to pick out the crazy? WHY??? I just dont understand it!!!Thank you so much again!!!!
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female
reader, Miss Potter  +, writes (17 November 2008):
 Firstly I would like to say that it doesnt matter whether a man or a woman i behaving this way - it only depends on the person, her/his upbringing.
You know, when someone says that genetics has a more profound effect on the persons personality I disagree. I think upbringing can mean much much more.
It is important to see how a certain person interacts with other people, with family members, deals with stress and difficult situations.
Money can also mean nothing. Some poor parents raise better children than their wealthier counterparts.
The person should have good psychological stability, be non-judgemental, mature, respectful, there are probably so many more qualities that someone who we would call "normal" will possess.
Il give you an example:
In work, I have witnessed a few people leaving, and it was interesting to watch how they left their job. There was a financial director that has left in a complete disgrace, never turning up to pass on her workplace to her new substitute (it was her initiative to leave), it has been now a few months, she does not want to correspond by any other means but email or sms!
And then there was a warehouse worker that has spent her last month making sure that her work space is left in order and ready for her substitute to start working.
One was from a middle class family, with good income and in high position, and worked out to be a complete scum and just a swine really.
The other was from a working class background, with moderate income and has left her workspace so graciously that the company would not hesitate to offer her work if it will ever come to that.
Two completely different people from different social backgrounds. You would expect that the educated counterpart would be the "loyal" one, but no, life prooves that there is so much more to people than what we see at first.
Ive said all this to main a certain point - do not rush into a relationship, especially where it involves engagement, spend some time getting to know your other halfs family, how they interact with other people. Generally it takes up to 2 years or so to get to know a person rather well. It should save you from getting hurt so badly next time.
Maybe talking to someone about this will help you to move on, have you got any friends that will be happy to hear you out?
Also accepting new challenges in work should help you move on, if another opportunity to go abroad arises, consider it! Sometimes they say to forget an ex the best way is to find new love, but I guess in your case, where you went through hell its not the best way. Heal first.
Anyway, maybe I wasnt so helpful, but I felt like I had to reply!
All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): Hi there,
Your post has really made me feel for you and what you are going through. This lady appears to be an arch manipulator and has used your bi polar disorder as a means to use you to her own ends. I am also in investment banking and opportunities that come up to work overseas are frequent or they used to be but not all the jobs are things you would actually want to do. To use you not taking an overseas post as a means for her not working is appallingly lazy. She could have got a fill in job very easily and then looked for a more permanent role when you decided that you didn't want to go overseas as none of the offers were suitable. She is very calculating and turned it to 'so now you must pay for me as you haven't fulfilled what I felt was being offered' situation. You can bet even if she had gone overeseas she would have found fault with it and that fault would have been your fault. When women get violent they are normally extremely frustrated and feel they are not being listened to or ignored. My ex husband started like this with just asn occasional dig in the ribs, then a small slap for nothing then full scale punching and kicking. There is never any excuse for violence and normally the bigger the man the more gentle they are. There is no hope for this lady who wants the man to be a paying doormat so being out of the relationship and going only through lawyers is your best recourse. She sounds mentally unwell. Manipulation to this extent will get caught out so eventually someone will see her for what she is. This is a horrific experience for you but you are nearing the end. Don't be surprised though if she starts calling and begging you to try again because she won't like it if she has no one to vent herself on. I think you made a good escape here!!
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