A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I don't know what to do with my relationship. I don't feel i am getting my emotional needs filled at all. He seems very selfish to me a lot of the time. Sex is very very one sided. I don't think i can come and i never have so far, but he seems to have just given up and doesn't try for me any more. He just does his thing and then goes. He doesn't try to romance me or get me feeling good before doing anything. There is never any foreplay.If i'm upset about things, he says he doesn't know how to act so just ignores me and says nothing and leaves me crying. The least he could do is cuddle me and tell me everything is ok and he'll be there for me. To me it seems like it's out of sight, out of mind. He never texts me or emails me ever to say he loves me or misses me. well... he never contacts me. I'm not looking for an email a day or anything, just something, some time. I have to either turn up at his door or call him myself to make arrangements for something.He says he does everything for me: makes me food when i stay at his and cleans the house. It makes me feel bad for feeling neglected, but i don't see how him doing these things makes up for the hurt i feel. He works all the time. He really needs the money to pay for the bills, but i really only get a few hours with him. I want us to do something as a couple and go places and enjoy ourselves, go on dates or something to get back into being a couple and hopefully make our relationship better. but obviously he needs every penny. We only get to walk to he park once in a blue moon because he mostly doesn't feel like leaving the house. Its not so bad in Uni because he doesn't need to work so much and he gets money from the university to live. but during term time every hour is needed to study. It's a really stressful course we're in and we push ourselves to the limits of what we can do. We don't have much time for each other. I was looking forward to summer and hoping we could finally relax and get back to being together, but with work i feel like it's never going to get any better. He will forever be working and never have time for me. He doesn't try to understand my needs. My problems are my problems. He calls them stupid. He has hurt me over and over in the past and never been there for me when i need him the most.I feel the relationship is becoming more and more unhealthy for me. but i love him to pieces. He IS the perfect boyfriend for me, if he could only learn to look after my emotional side. I have spoken to him a thousand times about all of this. This is the reason why i am upset all the time now. This is where all the arguments happen and he calls me stupid and i need to get over it myself. He won't change. I've tried to change myself. I've tried to live the life of just letting him do what he wants and i'll be nice to him no matter what. But i then always get reminded of what a loving relationship is like and i watch sex scene in films where they really look like they are in love and i get so jealous. And then how all of my friends act with their boyfriends and our relationship just isn't like that any more. I don't feel loved at all. I KNOW i should leave him. I know this isn't good for me. I suppose there is nothing else you guys can say to me, i know it already. It's just doing it. I truly believe he could be the person for me if he treated me better. But in my heart of hearts i know he won't change. I love him so much and all he has to do is hug me or tell me he loves me when i'm pissed off at him for not telling me for 3 months and i just melt into him again. It's not a healthy cycle. Can anyone shed some light?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): I was in tha same situation, it sucks, feeling depressed, thinking about him all tha time,
Of course he needs every penny he can make, everyone does.
Your jes making excuses for him an tha way he is, he is notp good for you, he does not love you, if you kno what "love" is you'll kno he does not love you .
U need to really think how good he dosent make you feel , an not call him or answer his phone calls an jes let it go, get your hair done an enjoy you! What your going through is good experience, when tha right man comes you will appreciate him that much more :) such a good feeling, from personal experience honey , tha sooner u decided that your much more then what he has to offer, tha better an more alive you'll be :)
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 June 2010):
 Things are what they are.
Your bf would be perfect for you- if he were all different, it's what you are saying :). But he is not. He is who he is and he acts the way he acts, at least for now.
Drug addicts could be reliable family men and law abiding citizen, if they weren't on drugs. But they are- until they decide on their own to stop.
Look at how things are NOW. Which does not mean nothing ever changes, just that you can't force change to suit your timing and expectations.
So,you have realized already that this is not a healthy relationship, just an attachment.
Sex sucks. He is cold and distant. He does not put you among his priorities. He deoes not spend enough time with you. Apparently, what you get from this relationship is mostly hurt,anxiety and humiliation.
BUT you cannot leave him.
Why ?
"Because you love him ".
Wrong answer. What love's gotta do with it, like dear old Tina used to say.
Y&ou've got to figure out, by yourself or with a therapist or counselor, what is the real reason that keeps you nailed to a source of hurt or distress.
After all ,you would not patronize a shop where the merchandise sucks, the prices are too high, the salespeople are rude and the premises are dirty, right ?
Consciously, you'd never do that. So there must be a semi-conscious or subconscious need that keeps you going back to this bad shop, and uou need to bring it up.
There may be dozen of things,from very simple to very cerebral. Maybe you did not get much affection or attention growing up so now you are clinging to any bit of it you can get even if it comes with strings attached.
Maybe you have a negative self- image and you feel insecure about your looks and you think that it will be difficult to find another partner. Maybe your life is too boring and predictable and this boy is the main source of adrenaline and excitement.
There are tons of "maybe ",- take time to find your own.
Don't fix your bf. Fix yourself.
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A
female
reader, QZ  +, writes (21 June 2010):
 I think I'll first start by quoting something you said: "He doesn't try to understand my needs. My problems are my problems. He calls them stupid. He has hurt me over and over in the past and never been there for me when i need him the most...He IS the perfect boyfriend for me". Whoa. Back up here. If he's so selfish he can't even comfort you when you're upset, then he is NOT the right person for you. It's hard to admit that someone you've grown to love and trust isn't your soul mate, but hon, you have to respect yourself, and the first step is to NOT left anyone treat you like crap. You also shouldn't have to change yourself at all! You are PERFECT the way you are. The right guy shouldn't make you change to fit him, you should fit each other naturally.
It also seems that sadly, he's only using you for sex or maybe to just to feel better about himself. Don't let someone use you like that. You're right, it isn't healthy. And with all the people out in the world, you shouldn't attach yourself to one lousy guy when they're hundreds and millions of other guys out there who'd be ten times better for you.
Bluntly speaking, break up with him. Walk away, and live your life. It won't be easy, and you might be tempted to try and get back/take him back, but you're worth so much more than that. I have a feeling that there's someone special out there for you, and it certainly isn't your current boyfriend.
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