A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 27 and up until last year I'd never kissed anyone. When I was younger boys were never interested in me and then when I was about 17/18 because I was so embarrassed about my lack of experience if a guy was interested in me I pretended I wasn't interested so that he wouldn't find out I was so inexperienced! As time went on my friends would ask questions and I'd tell them I was a virgin because I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex but really it was because I'd never had a boyfriend that I said that, not because it was what I believed. I know if I'd had a boyfriend when I was younger I probably would have slept with them. However, last year I got really drunk one night and kissed a guy. That was it but then another time about a month later I kissed another guy and we had a bit of a fumble but nothing more than the top half of the body. Each of those was only a one-off thing. Then just after that I met this guy who I started seeing and told I was a virgin. Because by this time I was 26 and a virgin with obviously very little experience I told him that it was because I wanted to wait until i was married. I also told him that I'd had a couple of boyfriends in the past but nothing serious because I didn't want him to think of me as some kind of freak to have been 26, never been kissed and never had a boyfriend. Anyway, after about a month together we were very much in love and we ended up making love. I told him this was because my views had changed and I loved him and knew I wanted to marry him, which I did and he felt the same way. He has had 4 previous sexual partners and two girls he has told he loved although he now says he knows it wasn't love, he just thought it at the time.The problem is, now I am incredibly jealous and it is causing massive problems in our relationship. At first I thought it was because I was jealous of the girls he'd been with and what he'd done with them, which I am. I am incredibly jealous of the fact that he has had sex with other girls and said he loved them, but the bigger problem is I am jealous of the fact that I have never had any other boyfriend apart from him and that he is the only guy I've been with. I love him so much and now I would never want to be with anyone else but I just wish that I'd experienced more in the past. I feel I've missed out on so much, even the bad stuff like breaking up I feel is important to go through, but I never have.I get really upset by this and so does he. Up until this weekend I hadn't realized how much it upset him but i got really angry with him because of how i was feeling which he thought was only because he'd slept with other girls and there was nothing for him to give me when i'd given him my virginity and love which I'd never given to anyone else but on top of that was the fact that I was so upset and angry that I'd missed out on being with anyone else and my regrets. I really regret that I didn't have a boyfriend for so long or any sort of relationship, but I got so cross with him and I know I've been really mean but haven't meant to be, saying I thought it would be best to break up and that i'd cheated on him which I'd never do and I told him the truth after but I think I jst wanted to hurt him so he could feel the pain I felt. I can't believe how awful I was and how bad I feel about being so unkind but he cried about it. I had no idea it upset him so much. I know I HAVE to stop thinking about the regrets that I have and focus on our future together but how can I? I know he is the man I will marry and love him so much. I don't want anyone else in my future but just wish I had someone in my past.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): Thank you for those answers. they helped a lot so I really appreciate your time. For the past week now things have been a lot better and hasn't caused any problems so thank you.
The past few days I've been seriously thinking about what I want and I don't feel ready to settle down yet. My boyfriend has said he wants to get engaged this year and I know he is going to ask me to marry me soon because we've talked about it but I'm not sure I'm ready for it. Because i have such limited experience with guys how do I know for sure he is the one? I think he is but I feel I need to date a few other guys first just to be sure. I don't want to make such a serious commitment to him without being 100%sure. The problem is that I don't want to break his heart which is what he said it would do if I left him. I love him so much that the last thing I want to do is hurt him but I know it could hurt him more in the long run if I did get engaged or married when I wasn't definitely sure. I think I want to date other guys and just know what else is out there and what its like to have other boyfriends apart from him.
We live together so if we were to break up it would be a major problem. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him but at the same time I can't live a lie.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): In a way, your life experiance with this guy and others is very new to you. Becuase you have waited, and there was nothing wrong with that decision, many women and men would have a reversed senario where they are regretful about how 'much' experaicne they have had. So don't beat yourself up about the past anymore. You have identified that this is where alot of your insecurities have surfaced from.
When this guy came along and you did make love, all of those emotional attachments kicked in and you felt very vunerable and exposed. You need to understand that he cannot change his history, like you.
My take on this is your immaturity in relationships and intimacy. Natural with your past. But stop attaching him to this problem. It is nothing to do with him it is how you are now feeling about things now.
The guy will be all confused and worried that he may have bitten off a bit more than he had wanted. In a way you have created a problem with him and your relationship which he cannot control or have influence over, and yet he is suffering the consequences of how you feel about this in a general sense and not something he has caused. You need to apologise to him in a way.
My suggestion to you is to perhaps get a little bit of couselling or personal growth therapy. Sex is frequently a topic of conversation alot of us don't truly get that honest about. It gets embarassing and feels funny to discuss in a logical or pragmatic way. But this is your issue. Find someone you can explore the elements about sex which are difficult for you. Your jealousy stems from your own insecurity about your lack of experiance. Again not his fault hun.
Your first experiance with him will always be special and have alot of emotional attachment. Make sure your feelings about the future with him are based on alot more than just that emotion.
Sex is only a part of a healthy relationship. How you handle problems and communicate difficulties are pretty important when it comes to a successful partnership.
All the best.
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