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writes: Help! Am I making things worse or is this the usual process? After being discovered cheating, my husband and I are working through, s l o w l y, all the repercussions of his betrayal but I am still concerened that this is not the first time, as he has said. To be honest, I don't believe him.I am concerned that I don't know all of his secrets and wonder if it is important?I am conflicted with moving forward in my process thinking that he hasn't told me everything. This is really based on a strong gut feeling. It is like there is something niggling, at him and with me. In a way I can see fear in his eyes, if that makes sense.Would it be 'normal' for the cheating partner to not want to disclose all the secrets? How should I try to get him to open up, I know he is bothered by something, but perhaps is fearful that I may flip. I probably would, however I am not settled in the process of repairing things if I feel there is something else to consider. I suppose this may be me being paranoid under the circumstances.I also understand that his fear of loosing me may stop him from being totally honest, but is it right, is it normal, is it important for me to know anymore, now, or should I let it go. I could handle more info now, but feel that if there is more to find out this could destroy me once again that he kept things from me. He knows that what I already know has devastated me and I think he has more up his sleeve but is too scared to tell me.How do you ask a man, who is already on the back foot, to open up about things which they don't like acknowledging even to themselves now? How can I bring him into a space which he feels that he can tell me things that I may not want to hear.How important is it NOW that I know everything? It is driving me crazy and I am not sure how to handle it, if at all??? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): I understand your pain and thinking u are going nuts not knowing all the answers. My husband cheated on me after four months of marriage the affairwent on for 6 months before i found out and we have been seperated for two months. We have just started to talk about the possibility of a reconciliction but I feel I need to know everything. I also feel that he is keeping things from me in case I blow up or he loses me for good. All I can say is that I think u need to make him work harder and prove to u that he is commited to making this work!! I also think that u need to know the reason why he did as if u dont know then what is to stop him from doing it again? That is one thing a counsellor may be able to help u get out of him. At the end of the day u need to do what is right for u and the stress of what he has done has made u relapse and not be able to make it to the counselling sessions. All I am trying to do and maybe it will work for u to is try to clear my head not listen to my friends and family and work out If I love this man enough to make it work and do u really need to know everything do all those little details really matter, he has told u he had an afffair, are the grey areas important? The one main important factor is Why and untill u know that I dont know if u will b able to move forward. I wish u all the luck in the world and hope that your heart will heal in time.
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reader, Basschick  +, writes (5 October 2007):
 Your husband's cheating could be a symptom of him not being able to handle your disease. And not being able to cope with what's happening to you, which is very serious, and somewhat life-threatening. Also, having this disease may be affecting how you relate to each other sexually. An affair was his escape. A poor one, I'll admit but one he chose. You have to ask yourself if you will ever be satisified that he's telling you everything. Even if you eek one or two more details out of him, you will still be wondering if there's more. Even when he has told you every single drop there is to tell you, and there's nothing left hidden, no detail he hasn't already disclosed, you will always wonder if there's more. You have to stop this game and move past it. Insisting that there's more, when there may simply not be,will only prolong the healing process in your marriage and allow your body time to adjust to the stress you've already been exposed to. Put the incident behind you and stop thinking about it. Hopefully he has learned his lesson and from here on out, he'll be a stand up guy for you instead of running to the arms of another woman when he's faced with something tragic. It's a flaw in his character that he needs to continue seeking help for. If you cannot attend counseling together, I suggest he continue to go alone because he still has some issues that he needs to deal with so he can be there for you from here on out. Good luck.
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female
reader, janeywayney  +, writes (5 October 2007):
hi tutara was gonna say hope u r fine u obv r not!! well you know my circumstances are pretty much the same i made it VERY clear to my fella if he wants us to move on then he has to tell me everything and i mean everything i asked which was very upsetting to hear but to move on you need the truth we are on the road to hopefully mending what was broken good luck i will write more when i get back from work xxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): if my husband cheated on me i'd never be able to get that out of my head. There is no way that i could foregive him.there is no way that i would ever trust him. I'm sure there is more to the story then he wants you to know. Because he doesn't want to get into more trouble than he is already in.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI haven't brought anything up since the very first few weeks - not 5 months - asking if there is anything else so I have been good. In saying that it took him 3 months to tell me that it was his idea not hers. He didn't want to tell me that as he was originally doing the oops, caved and it just sort of happened line, so it took him a long time to come clean.
We have started counselling and the issue of why, which is still grey...But the problem has been that I have got MS and the devastation of him cheating has brought on a major relapse and I am not well. He feels rotten - which he should and as a consequence our counselling sessions have only been two over the last 5 months, which is where my frustration come in. It all spins around in circles in desperately needing to know if this is it and discovering the why, him not wanting to wreck me anymore than he has and realising that my illness will be effected, I can't help that, and not taking longer to get better from this turn because I am thinking there is more shit to find out??
Can anyone understand.........this is why is is not so simple to have a clear head and do the "forgive" thing so it is real - We can't go back to the couselling until I can move around, but can't talk about anything serious without their guidance and I feel like is is taking forever, so frustrated....
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reader, Basschick +, writes (4 October 2007):
If you are attending counseling together, he may open up in that environment, but most likely he knows you can't handle hearing anything else and is not comfortable telling more. If there really is more. There may not be. Instead of bugging him about details of his affair(s) why not try focusing on why. Generally an affair is a symptom to a much bigger problem. That's where you need to turn your attention. What's lacking in your relationship that made him go elsewhere. Because once you know that, you'll be able to turn this negative experience into a positive one. I would recommend you bring up these subjects during your counseling sessions because your counselor can keep things from escalating. And once you leave the counselor's office, try not to bring up the items and re-hash them into an argument. It will just poison the progress you're trying to make to heal your marriage. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): w-ell you must be hurt no VERY hurt just think if he is worth it than forget what he did it's not what your friends think it's what you think make him prove that he is worth it!
good luck
xoxoxoxox
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