A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im 19, I moved out of my parents and I now live with my boyfriend who is 37. I know there’s an age difference but it works for us.Iv dated my boyfriend for a year and a half but iv known him for over 2 years.I feel that the time is right for us to have children. we talk about it but he always changes the subject.he was married to a woman that couldn’t have children. he spent thousands of pounds trying to get her pregnant but it never happened. He was on half the money he earns now.his whole family hated her and her family hated him, they always argued and she was violent towards him but he still tried to have children with her.we love each other sooooo much, we have a house (rented) our families get on well and everyone says we were made for each other, we have never argued!so why wont he have a baby with me????????????????????it really upsets me and I don’t know what to do!my family are 70 miles away so I can’t hug my mum or talk to anyone face to face.as I said he is 37 and he has no children. I don’t want to wait a few years because I don’t want my partner to be a 50 year old dad!whenever I mention children he always makes an excuse not to have them yet e.g. wait until we own a house, wait until he has job security etc.at the moment we aren’t going to own a home for years and there is no such thing as job security!it’s all what ifs.What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007): bless you its really hard , i had a 9 yr abusive marriage ,, my new partner has 3 kids with his ex wife 2 live with us i av children but i wanted a child out of love hes 38 and hes says hes too old , my heart goes out to you as i understand what you are going through if you want to chat email me [email address blocked]
A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (5 October 2007):
 Hi again anonymous,
I was thinking about including this in my email last night, but decided not to...just because I didn't want you to take it the wrong way! But I think I'm going to make the suggestion, anyway.
Sorry if this sounds stupid, but this is what I'm doing since I'm in the same boat as you. I bought a dog...well, three. And the main reason is because I really want to have kids, but my husband is not ready to make that commitment yet - he wants to wait another 5 years. But these pups of mine take up so much of my time and depend on you like a baby would for a lot of things, that it just feels really good to have cute, snuggly little balls of fluff that you need to take care of in a maternal sort of way. I know that it's not the same as having a child - at all - but it's a good compromise until you and your partner decide to go the final step.
(Note: I'm not saying kids are dogs, people! Let's get that straight! ^_^)
See, I posted in earlier with the advice that I've given myself - and it's actually worked. Before that, my husband did not want kids at all and had always felt that way. But after reading up on it, going through the financial side of things, sharing the responsibility of three pups and everything else I mentioned previously, he finally decided that he would want to have children. He even said he wants TWO now (I was only thinking we'd have one!)
I know where you're coming from - completely. But you really just need to be patient and compromise about certain things. Have you tried speaking with your partner about having kids in the future as opposed to right now? Say, in three years? Maybe if you proposed something like that along with a budget plan for getting ready, he may feel more comfortable about it.
Again, sorry if you don't like the puppy idea, but it's been working for me (and I know it's worked for others!) Maybe that can be your compromise until you both possibly decide to have kids together in the future.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (5 October 2007):
Well it seems like you're definitly prepared when it comes to understanding and knowing how to care for children properly! ^_^
I guess you'll just have to wait until your boyfriend is ready - as hard as that might be. Until then, maybe just read up on pregnancy books. It's also good to wait so that you can save as much money as you can.
But, still, it's important to understand where your boyfriend is coming from - I still think it's an extremely good idea to wait until you have a house and job security. Your boyfriend is just trying to look out for the well being of the future family. While it may be upsetting and frustrating, it really is the smart thing to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe dont believe in marriage, its not a lifelong commitment because you can end it whenever you want.
he married his ex to 'keep the peace' (his exact words)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): I don't want to sound rude, and I could very well be wrong..but maybe he sees you as completely different from his ex wife? Like, he tried so hard to get her pregnant, he married her, he stayed with her even though their familiy's hated eachother. Why did they split? Could it be because he is infertile? Maybe she left him? You're practically 1/2 his age. Perhaps he wants to be done with all that stress that he went through in his previous relationship & that's why he's with you, a much younger woman? You started dating when he was 35, and you were 17? That is a bit too much of robbing the cradle if you ask me. Regardless, you do need a home & a stable job of you're going to have a baby, and you need to be married. Well, you don't need to but it is the good choice. And why has marriage not come up with you two? Has it? I think you definetly need to sit him down & get the truth out of him because right now, I feel like he is not telling you the whole truth.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): My husband was the same way i think men tend to worry a little to much. My husband never liked condoms and i stopped the pill and my husband knew but didn't really care at that time. Once we found out i was preg. he was so excited and couldn't keep his mouth shout about it.
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A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (4 October 2007):
 Having a child with your wife, and having a child with your girlfriend are two completely different situations. And as hard for it is for you understand, you are not his wife. He has not made a lifelong commitment to be with you. That is something that you need to think about.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have a national diploma in childcare and education.
its not like i dont know anything about children. i work in a nursery.
his ex marriage does concern me as he is still paying off her debts.
everyone always talks about their marriage, so it is my buisness.
the fact is that he was happy to have a baby with her, the 'woman from hell' as his friends call her, the woman that abused him for his whole marriage, yet not with me.
we cant buy a house yet because the housing market in the UK is screwed and we dont want to be bankrupt. therefore we rent a beautiful home.
my partners age shouldnt matter but it does for me. my dad was old when i was a kid and he never did anything.
we want to be able to take our kids to the park and carry our child on his shoulders.
so it does matter to me.
i have known my partner for years, we dont feel that its too soon, my partner keeps coming up with 'what ifs'
i love my partner so very very much.
im not pushy, im frustrated because im in a strange town, no family, no friends and a partner that wont talk to me about the subject. the only one that listens is our pet cockatiel.
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (4 October 2007):
He seems to have commitment anxiety. By now he should know if he's willing to a commitment. Tell him he needs to decide if he will marry you and start a family or you should consider moving on. Maybe he is affraid he can't make children.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (4 October 2007):
Hi there anonymous,
The first thing that came to mind is that maybe your guy does not want to have a baby with you - not because of YOU - but because he just want through loads of drama with trying to have a baby already. Perhaps he's not emotionally ready and just needs time to get back to the feelings of wanting to have kids again.
Also, you two have only been together for one year. That's not a long time to be in a relationship with someone, especially when you're talking about bringing children into the world. Is there a reason that you're so quick to have kids? Maybe your guy just wants to make sure that you two are seriously committed to one another before making this HUGE, HUGE decision.
You also say that he is making excuses not to have kids because of wanting to wait to own a house, waiting to have job security... I don't see those as excuses - they are valid reasons to hold off on having a child. It seems like your boyfriend only wants to bring a child into a stable life, and that's admirable in my opinion. He seems like a very caring and intelligent man. I think you need to speak with him more and learn from what he is telling you.
In the meantime, since you really want a child, I suggest either working as a nanny or a day care facility. You could at least do babysitting jobs at night. You should also read up on what is involved in being pregnant and raising a child - go to the library or research topics online. Also, if you're serious about having a baby, many couples will go to the doctor beforehand so that they can learn how to take care of the mother when she is pregnant - what she can and can't eat, what vitamins and perscriptions she should be taking, what physical activies to avoid, etc.
But taking care of children and reading up you'll have a better sense of what you're in for and you'll be better prepared. You can't be overprepared for having children and you can never learn enough.
So while it's not the answer you were looking for, I really think that you need to slow down, educate yourself and learn/understand from what your boyfriend is telling you.
Also, some questions
1. Why would it matter if your child had a father who is 50? As long as the father is responsible and loving, it shouldn't matter what age he is, should it?
2. You said at the moment you aren't going to own a home, but it doesn't seem like that's plans for your future...at least according to your boyfriend. Issues like this should be figured out before planning to have kids, don't you think?
3. Why are you concerning yourself with his past relationship? That woman and the circumstances have really nothing to do with you. You're just getting yourself worked up and thinking about it will do nothing positive.
4. Go back and read your post. Did you notice that you use the word "I" a lot? I think that you need to start thinking more in terms of "we" when it comes to your relationship. And you definitly need to think of it when you're talking about having children.
5. From the post, I can tell that you're really frustrated that baby plans aren't for the near future. Because of this, you come off as being pushy (at least to me you do). I think that if you really want to try and "sweetin the deal" for your boyfriend, you need to stop acting this way. Instead, maybe try asking him questions and have an actual discussion about the positives and negatives. Have you already tried doing this with him? This is where it would come in handy to read those books, so you can be prepared for whatever topic may come up - whether it be the financial toll it will take on the both of you, the physical tolls, the emotional and mental tolls...
Take care.
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