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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid, I am in a bit of a messy situation and need advice. I have posted this before, but wanted to get other people's opinions. I met a guy over a year ago that has a girlfriend and a young child. We started to get to know each other, and eventually started seeing each other. Basically, he had split up with his girlfriend but bumped into her one night, (they slept together) and then, a few months later, he found out she was pregnant. He had started seeing someone else at the time, and ended up finishing with this girl to set up home with his ex to be a Dad to the child. My problem is that I really like him and he likes me. I rarely connect with anyone and he makes me really happy when I am with him, but then I feel so sad when I am not. It has been very difficult, and I recently decided to end it with him, although he has begged me not to. I know I will never meet anyone like him again, how can I make him see that one day he will surely end up leaving his girlfriend if he never wanted to be with her in the first place, so why not now to be with me? I know he finds this hard and doesn't want to think about it, but he is just burrying his head in the sand.
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male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (15 June 2006):
 I am glad that I could help. Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe child is actually 5 years old, I met him about a year ago. I have not said any of this to him and will not push him into a decision, I just wanted other people's views. I personally think that he should tell his girlfriend (not necessarily to split up with her) but she has a right to know and make her own decision based on that, as she could be with someone else who makes her happy. (Again, I know this is not down to me btw). I would just like to thank Lostandalone for his response, this was the point that I was trying to make, if I walk away we will never see each other again, and one day, like you, he will realise that he can't and isn't making the life with his girlfriend work, and that's what makes me so sad.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): "Everyone would be better off if he told her the truth"? What IS the truth, in this situation? For heaven's sake, cut your losses and stop seeing him!! He and the mother of his unborn child have to work this out BY THEMSELVES. You need to take yourself out of the picture, period!
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male
reader, Lostandalone +, writes (14 June 2006):
This is a very difficult situation and you have good answers posted here but take one from a man who WAS THAT MAN of which you speak. I myself left the woman I love to be with the mother of my child knowing full well that I did not love her. We fought constantly about money, food and even religion. Being of different races didnt make it any better as I am African American and she is Mexican. The thing is he is making a huge mistake by being with this woman TRUE, because a child will not make you any happier or the relationship work better only make it more difficult. This is something that he has to realize and decide for himself. I had to. The hardest thing in the world for a man(A REAL MAN)to do is leave his child. I knew that my child's life would only be harder with me there than it would ever be with me around. I see her often (twice a month) even though I live 438 miles away. I ended up losing the woman I love because of the "RIGHT THING". Most people fail to realize that the right thing is not always the best thing.
If you love this man give him a chance to see that what he is doing will affect his child more negatively than positively and he will. I'm not saying wait around and see one way or the other. Go out and live your life and meet new people. Rediscover who you were before this man and love you again. Therefore, if you get back with him it will be better and if you don't you will be great for the next one. I hope this helps and I wish you all the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, I just wanted to clarify something as I realised that my first entry was a little confussing. He was with girl 1 for around a year, he finished with her, but bumped into her later and had a one-night stand. He then started to see girl 2 months later, but then found out that girl 1 was pregnant from the one-night stand. He left girl 2 to be with girl 1 to bring up their child. All this was years before he met me. He is not a womanizer (I know what he is doing with me is wrong btw), as he has only cheated on her with me, but this is because he is not truly in love with his girlfreind (girl 1) as he had previously finished with her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): The thing is, you only know what he tells you...you have no idea what he tells her......Get out of their lives before three adults and an unborn, but lifetime of commitment, baby arrives. He lies to vulnerable women and you are not the most vulnerable here.Somewhere out there is a woman who doesn't know she is placing her life in the hands of a total asshole.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): I just read your recent reply the minute I posted my own answer, hun so I felt I had to say more to you in reponse. It doesn't matter what he feels for her. Please stop doing this to yourself, dear. He makes his own choices in life and if he wants to to the right thing by sticking it out with her...then give him that opportunity. If you really, really feel he'll spend the next 10 years cheating on her because he feels trapped...what does that tell you about him and... what is it about you, that propels you to want a man like this? Because you are really deluding yourself, dear if you think he'll NOT do it to you. The man has a fidelity problem, dear. He like having his 'bits' on the side. As I said, he's a womanizer. Think long and hard where you would be with him, say...2 years down the road. You will be exactly where his gf is right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): I am glad to hear you ended your relationship with this man. You can't 'make him see that one day he will end up leaving his gf'. Why on earth would you do that, hun? It's time for you to think clearly, act graciously and think of his family and his bigger obligation, that supersedes a relationship with you.. He is a father and he has to now shoulder the responsibility of raising a family. His children need an involved, loving father. I think you need to accept what he is doing..he has huge life long commitments. Because he has begged you not to end it with him, he has immaturity and committment issues plus he's not thinking of you. He's confused about what path is right in his life. He needs to realize that other relationships are no longer an option and you need to stay strong and understand this, because having you lurking in the background is preventing him from completely committing to his family. And who suffers the most and endures the most hurt and devastation, should he leave them for you? His family.
It's time for you to say goodbye for good. Stick to your guns, girl...heal and recover and move on with your life. The grief this man will cause you in the future, is simply not worth it. If he's wavering between you, his ex gf and the kids and other women...he does sounds like a womanizer. He will end up hurting his gf and family. Don't be a part of that. Go find a nice, available guy who doesn't have such a mess of a life. You may want to list out what you want in a loving, committed relationship and hold out for it. I think you know you truely deserve the best...now go and find it. Choose carefully.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): "He decided to try and do the right thing and stick by her." YES, HE HAS done the right thing. That is HIS CHOICE, and it is not for you to say that "he really should leave her, if not for me then for his own sanity."
Let's face it: you want him to leave her and return to you.
She is going to be the mother of his child. That carries a lot of clout. I note that he has made no promises to leave her. The likelihood is that he WON'T in fact leave her. You are, unfortunately, being selfish to demand this of him, and risk making yourself a pest.
Is that what you want? Why don't you show a little gracefulness and bow out? Completely. As in: don't call him, don't email him; don't "accidently" run into him. Not now, not ever.
For your OWN sanity, respect and peace of mind, consider him part of the past, and get on with focussing on your own life, and perhaps in time you will meet someone else you like - and just as important - who likes you.
I posted earlier recommending this, and am doing so again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): I agree - he has made a decision to stay with his ex and be a responsible father. There is a large possibility that he will never leave her as he obviously feels he has a duty to his child.
Do you really want to waste your life waiting for this guy? I really think you should cut your losses and try to engage yourself in new things and try to meet someone else who you will 'connect' with. You deserve someone who wants to be with you 100% - not someone who will only be a part time boyfriend as they have other responsibilities.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI must admit the title this has been given, does sound rather selfish - but that wasn't down to me! I do think that everyone involved would be better off if he told her the truth, though, even if this is not to be with me, it is not fair on anyone concerned (not just me). His girlfriend is already suspicious, and surely everyone will end up being unhappy if this situation continues. I haven't forced him into any decision, I wouldn't do that, but I have told him that I cannot go on seeing him like this and he is currently trying to change my mind as he still wants to see me (and so do I).
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know if he feels that much for her, he had already finished with her when he found out she was pregnant, they actually wouldn't be together if it wasn't for that, but he decided to try and do the right thing and stick by her. He hasn't promised me that he will leave her, but I really believe that he should, if not to be with me, then for his own sanity! Otherwise he will surely end up spending over ten years cheating and lying to her because he feels trapped. I don't think he would leave me for another if he was with me, because that would be his choice - there would be nothing tying him to me.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (14 June 2006):
 I don't like to say this, but you have to consider the very real possibility that he will never leave his girlfriend. The fact that she is the mother of his children and that he clearly has feelings for her means that he could easily decide to stay with her for the benefit of the children and family.
It is not uncommon for men in this situation to promise that they will leave, to say that they are not really in love, and so on, but in reality very few men actually do leave their partners. I have seen many years of effort and life wasted by friends of mine waiting for someone to leave someone else, in situations similar to yours.
Who can say how it will end up? But you should seriously consider whether you want to spend years waiting for something that quite possibly will never happen. If you honestly don't want to wait and take the risk, then perhaps slowly your feelings for him will fade.
Also, remember that if you do end up with him you are going to have to deal with an ongoing relationship between him and his (now) ex, since she is the mother of his children, and also you will probably have nagging fears that he will do to you what he did to her: leave you for another. So be careful! Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): He has obviuously chosen to be with his formerly ex-girlfriend and help raise their baby. He is doing the responsible thing. That is the reality, like it or not. You have to come to terms with his choice and accept it. You cannot "make him see that one day he'll leave her." Put that right out of your head. You DON'T know that you will never meet anyone like him again, either!
Well, not the same person, but perhaps a man who can care for and love you for who you are, and is free to do so!
I suggest you focus now on your own life: making the most of your job or career; doing activities that you really enjoy and/or finding new interests. Perhaps a little volunteer work, if that appeals to you. Anything to begin lessening your preoccupation with this man. If you need help with this, find a good counsellor to talk to!
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, auntie claire +, writes (14 June 2006):
 Dear reader theres not much I can say to you about this. but putting it bluntly you do come across as being very selfish are you not thinking of what has to give up just for you he has no comitment with you at the moment yes he may like you but is it enough to leave his family.he has to make the choice as to whether he leaves her for you or not, (not you) you can't false him into this or he'll jsut run a mile he obviously loves his kid thats why he stayed with them. you have to give this time and give him space to sort out what he really wants.its out of your hands i'm sorry to say.all the best to you keep me posted xxx
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