A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i always stay in bad relationships rather than be alone.i do have friends and could make my life fuller than it is, but i get so involved in the problems of the relationship that i cannot pull myself up out of the misery and i get obsessed by thoughts about it. why do i do this and how can i change? i know i need to because the situation i am currently in has me being pursued by a man who i know and we seemed to really get emotionally involved with each other and then he told me about his issues and also the fact that he was a womaniser, he says he is not one now but i think he is lying just to get me. however, even knowing this i feel like i need something from him and i would love him to change (but i know he won't) i have told him there will definitely be nothing between us apart from friendship, but the fact is is that i feel a little bit in love with him and cannot stop thinking of him and missing him, i cannot concentrate on much else
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all.
to anonymous, yes i really am this age, i know i must seem really immature, i don't deny it, this is something i need help to overcome.
to everythingwilbefine: he is 37 and has had over 40 women, i had told him the other week that i had been with 30 men and he said he had been with the same number of women, but now last night he says its '40 odd' so he is either done 10+ women in the last week and half or he lied with his initial answer? i cannot 'know' that he will not change, you're right but i suspect it very strongly, in fact last night (we are only friends remember so we seem to talk honestly - well, i do anyway!) he was trying to get me to agree to more than friendship in the future and he kept stating that he is not promiscuous anymore and said he no longer wants one night stands, and that the 'old' him would have been trying to not only get into my pants but also into someone else's at the same time! this guy is VERY charming by the way and i *feel* that he has had lots of success with women is because he is good at chat, as he is not really what most women would call attractive (he says every time he went out he would be able to bring a woman home) he also mentioned a few times in the conversation that he went out on saturday night and did not even talk to women, made me feel like he is looking for some kind of pat on the back for this. he has had serious issues in the past after a bad upbringing (he says) and has done drugs quite a bit which messed him up psychologically, he has told me all this. i do not know what his true mental state is now, all as i can say is that he seems really ok, what he told me about his bad past really shocked me actually coz he always seems so nice and happy, bubbly. so that is also what makes me think he won't change. i have posted about him before on this site and one of the aunts has me convinced he is a 'sociopath', and if he is, they have no problem with cheating lying and hurting people do they? also his friends are womanisers who cheat on their girlfriends
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): Hi there -
I have this same problem, and I have as far back as I can remember. It's a horrible addiction and I feel as though it will take over your life if you let it. I too, am addicted to being in relationships - esp. those that are with "bad boys." Except this last time... I really did it to myself. I too, dated a womanizer for years before I let this last guy in so easily. It's like my self esteem was all geared up to take on the next relationship "challenge." This last one, who I dated for four years, and was the first guy I moved in with, ended up being an abusive sociopath. Again, being so obsessed with hoping and waiting and praying for him to "change"... he of course, never did. Instead, our relationship ended with him in jail and me in the hospital because he got really angry and drunk onenight, and decided to burn me. I suffered second hand burns on my neck, back and arms :) Now there's the no contact order, and we await the trial.
When I tell you that I always considered myself the type of person to NEVER tolerate abuse from anyone... I believe that's who I used to be. After years of getting involved with "bad boys" and womanizers and guys that wouldn't treat me right... this is what ended up happening to me. Without you even knowing it, you have been existing to please other people for so long that you've forgotten who the hell you are. Before you know it, your self-esteem is non-existant, and you crave attention from the worst kind of people. You accept manipulation, and you fight for what was never there at all - and that is love. Self-love and healthy love from other people.
I too, after 11 yrs. of ongoing longterm relationships back to back, now realize the importance of being on my own, even though it feels scary and cold sometimes. I'm only 2 months in, but I know it's not only necessary to heal from the years of unhealthiness, but it's essential to figure out who I am. Once I learn that, and learn to love who I am, then I believe that I will hopefully and finally attract the right kind of people in my life, and not just to have a significant other around.
I hope this helps!
I hope you find peace and love - with yourself first!
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A
male
reader, everythingwillbefine  +, writes (2 March 2011):
"i would love him to change (but i know he won't)" How do you "know" this?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): in love with him? you sound so much younger than the age stated. just get back with him,it will make life more exciting.
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