A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have this friend, who was literally the nicest person on this earth. He wasn't a typical lad, he was a real man. we were best friends for a long time and throughout this, especially in the later years when he started hanging around with a group of lads who were afew years younger than him I noticed they would wind him up about how hes not that interested in bragging about girls/sex etc and his beliefs (hes a christian). I also noticed that after a while he would start lying to them saying he has slet with people or just generally changing his ways to be a typical lad. His mates smoked so he started, his mates used to wind him up about the fact he doesnt get with a load of girls so he makes it up hes slept with loads of girls. They have been mates for a long time and I have met them although they aren't my friends and two of them when alone are sound but when they're together they are typical teenage lads. He also got bullied as a child quite alot.He changed alot because of his mates and sometimes hes admitted he regrets it and wants to be back how he was but then the next he gets defensive. For example, his current gf is alot younger than him and I think I speak for alot of people including his family when I say shes not the most nicest pleasent girl. But despite his beliefs only a matter of weeks into their relationship she was asking for sex, and he openly told me about this. I just told im to be careul and not feel forced. However the next week he gave into her. Which is totally his choice, I'm not one for having strict beliefs but it seemed abit weird to say the week before it was bothering him, espeically for him to say something to me because its not the sort of thing you would bring up.Thing is he won't speak about it so I never brought it up but its got to the point now where he believes "its the way to be" (being like a lad - just as I would put it). To the point where he is, deep down a caring considerate person but his family now dislike him as they view him to be very loud and rude (something which his friends and current gf are, they dont like her either from what he has told me but I don't know why) But this particular night he was telling me about the trouble in his relationship afew months ago and he told me about his families feelings and he says "I loved my mum.. :( :( ". Whenever any feeling is involvedIf you try and speak to him about how he deals with things he will get defensive, hes done things recently that aren't right and treated me and another person in ways which aren't acceptable but when I have ago at him for making me feel terrible he blames me for having ago at him (for what hes done) because he just wants to live in peace, asif everything is about him and he should be allowed to treat people how he does. Hes not a nasty guy in general its just the social group he has thats changed him. He argues with him family because they speak the truth about his attitude, rather than acknowledging he is in the wrong. Because changing back into his old ways of being a lovely pleasent guy would mean he would be class somewhat 'a looser" to other people- if thats the right word, but either way he wasn't popular before he changed. If I try and speak to him about the way he is and how he treats me, he gets incredibly defensive and claims that hes happy like that. Which if thats true, fair enough, is his life, let him get on with it. But then deep down he shows he isn't. But still he gets defensive.Its one of those situations where if I say I know hes not really like that he'll get defensive saying this is who he is now, but then when I play him back at his own game and I percieve him to be the person he acts to be (a heartless idiot) he gets defensve again and says you don't see that I do have feelings , I do care and that he is still the nice guy. You just go round in a circle.How can I get him to talk or be abit more open, if not to his mates, just to me? This has gone on for too long but he can't keep treating me the way he does and I've known him for 8 years now I know deep down he does care. But if he doesn't show it why should anyone believe him? How can someone claim they are unhappy with things like this but then carry on making them worse? I want to help him, not just for my sake to stop me getting hurt but for his, because theres times he seems the happiest guy in the world but then that quickly slumps into what some people have often asked me whether its a cry for help. Which I don't know if it is. You know just little things he says that are of no relevence and you wouldn't just say.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (9 January 2015):
There are no magic words to make him go back to the way you prefer him. Since he was bullied he probably feels a strong need to fit in, and since he's doing that he feels comfortable, if not happy.
With time he'll probably be more comfortable with himself, but you'll have to let him be for now. You and his family have expressed your collective concern and that is all you can do for the time being. Maybe take a break from him but let him know you're there for him if he needs you.
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