A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I kissed another girl and a guy at a party and my boyfriend broke up with me. What should I do to get him back?To clarify, we had gone on a couple dates and had been in an on and off relationship before over the span of 7 months or so. We had recently started getting closer, making out, having movie nights, holding hands he never officially asked me to be with him, and we never talked about being official.Before the party, this lesbian girl did a favour for me and my "bf" (let's just call him that because it's easier) and I, so I told her (in front of him) that I would make out with her the next time I saw her to compensate (I was mostly joking). He didn't say anything about this, in fact I think he was amused.When the party came around she brough up the promise and I figured I may as well, because who am I offending? Plus I don't really care.. it's just a kiss and I've played Spin the Bottle (and so has my "bf", minus the guys) and kissed all my friends before who were at this same party. I made out with her when she was incredibly drunk, and later that evening I was trying to help her and this guy friend get upstairs (who was also equally drunk), and he ended up falling on me and kissing me and I didn't know what to do it was weird and I was scared and I just let it happen.At the end of the night, I told my "bf" this, because I was scared and I was being honest with him. He asked why I did it, despite the fact that we were going out, and I said I didn't know we were. He didn't really say much after that but he took me home, and when we split ways he wouldn't let me hold his hand. He texted me asking if I got home safe, then said "since we never talked about it, I guess we should hold off on being together". I called to apologize a day later and he said I 'revealed my true intentions', that he 'knew it would happen eventually' and that he didn't want to date anymore. He played the friend card and was cold at first but he seems to be warming up a little bit, but shows no interest in wanting to be close.I know that I'm wrong for kissing other people, even if we didn't talk about being together officially, I was implied and I just didn't read into it. It doesn't matter if they were drunk, an accident, or I was scared. I know I shouldnt' have done it and I've spent a lot of time reflecting and hating myself for it.However, I do really love this guy and I want to be solid with him but I don't know what to do if he gives me the cold shoulder. Before I met him I was a really shy/quiet recluse, with severe social anxiety. He opened me up a lot, and the only reason I have friends, and future ambitions is because of him. He has changed so much for me, and he is special because of that. But he has low confidence in himself, and I've only made it worse. How can I show him without being too 'clingy' or tread 'under his feet' or 'annoying'. I know a lot of guys don't like being pursued by chicks because it appears as desperate. I really want to show him that he is loved and appreciated--because he deserves to know it. I want to earn his trust back, but I'm afraid of appearing the wrong way.
View related questions:
ambition, broke up, confidence, drunk, kissing, lesbian, shy, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Anon "There is no such thing as official dating. What are you, 12? "
It's hard to tell what is what these days.. Especially when you're socially inept. I won't make excuses for myself but I honestly just don't understand human interaction. ..I mean like I said, I was a recluse before. I basically lived in my room and on the internet for two years, then I went to College, met him and changed.
There aren't just crushes, and liking someone and relationships anymore. Apparently there are things like 'flings' or, 'friends with benefits'? What about in novels where people go on a few dates before even officially asking someone to be BF/GF?
The reason why I assumed we weren't dating was because I had asked him before all this happened. I asked up front what he wanted because I was tired of being on the fence and he told me ' Honestly, I don't know; sometimes I really like you and sometimes I hate you". He then said, because of where we are in our lives that we probably shouldn't date? But then two days later he started being really nice to me again which was what started this whole thing with us again.
We had dated before for about 3 months, but I broke up with him due to him being unreliable (He would always be late to meet up with friends or on dates. I have waited long hours for him on many occasions. I really like him but it's hard to deal with sometimes). He stood me up on New Years and then I had pretty much had it with him. We were cold towards each other for a few months, but then we started warming up again. I never stopped liking him, and he still liked me. I he asked me to be with him after Valentines Day and I said I would think about it. But then we never talked about it again. Then he would ignore me for a few weeks, then be nice.. then back and forth..?
He is really inconsistent with what he wants.. So I didn't want to pressure him, that's why I didn't ask if he wanted to be with me.
Also.. It kinda hurts to hear "YOU are in love, you don't fuck other people." I am still a virgin.. just because I kissed someone doesn't mean I want in their pants.
I've been saving, and waiting for someone I really love.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): Depends, how much of this is his ego being hurt and how much is this a case of you (in his eyes) being not the girl he was in love with.
There is no such thing as official dating. What are you, 12?
If YOU claim to be in love with someone, you do NOT make out with OTHER people. The state of the relationship with the person you love don't matter, YOU are in love, you don't fuck other people.
That is what he is upset about, what he is talking about when he says you revealed your true intentions. He thinks you will have sex with anyone whenever, even if he is the same room. It is his insecurity talking but who can blame him. It is how people are. We don't want to share our boy/girlfriend. We want them to be true to us, even if we are not "official".
Both of you need to grow up. If he wants you to be his steady girlfriend, he should ask you. And you shouldn't be kissing other people when you love someone even if they haven't asked you yet.
You can expect him to stop being childish at roughly the same time you stop being childish. And no "he first" is NOT the right answer.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): Don't hate yourself OP, "implied" official is not official you can do what you like and did nothing wrong.
You've been on/off non-official for 7 months, this kind of thing was going to happen. He can't throw a hissy fit when he hasn't after 7 months made any move to be exclusive.
OP you like to credit him for helping you become more outgoing, that's great and all but he's also been playing games for 7 months, leading you on and not taking the next step with you. For all his greatness OP that's pretty shit and he doesn't suddenly get to give you crap for a drunken kiss when you're not official nor exclusive. Implied my ass, there is no such thing as implied in relationships OP. Until you make something official or promise exclusivity which is the same thing you're technically single and can walk away at any time. He's certainly liked things being that way so he can't give you crap when that freedom is too much for him.
You had a drunken couple of kisses, no big deal seeing as you're not in a relationship and are only really FWB's. There is no trust to earn back here OP because you had no relationship here, just a hot and cold guy who won't make his mind up.
It's simple here OP, it's now time to either make this official or end it permanently. You say you love him then what are you waiting for? If he loves you too then he'll say yes, but you have to explain to him that you've had enough of implied, enough uncertainty either he wants to be with you or he doesn't.
Stop hating yourself, you've done nothing wrong he doesn't get to play some kind of victim here when he's so wishy washy about it all. Either he wants to be your boyfriend OP or he's using you. If he loves you he'll fix this situation by making it official, if he tries to throw you having a drunken meaningless snog with others while you're technically single as a reason then he doesn't love you and never did.
If he can't see how this is not cheating, not a break of trust then he's just using it against you for no reason.
It's time OP, you either love each other and want a relationship or you don't, how much longer are you going to play this shitty game?
...............................
|
