A
male
age
36-40,
*rajan
writes:hey, i just cheated on my absolutely perfect girlfriend, i kissed a girl in a night-club. so guilty. i broke up with her cause i couldn`t bear to look at her trusting face. i feel like a complete scumbag. i didnt tell her what i did i said i just needed some space..i just cant believe i did this to her. i dont know what to do now and shes very upset but not as bad as she would be if she knew what i did. i know its silly to say now but i honestly didnt think i was capable of this and being drunk is no excuse..i`m so ashamed and just numb. any advice? or criticism?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008): Please tell her she will respect you for telling the truth - but a lie is a lie. Women will often only remember the fact you lied over and above the topic of the lie itself and you have a shred of a chance of building trust back up by being honest. Treat someone else how you would wish to be treated.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2008): You NEED to TELL HER!You two are a couple,and couples tell
eachother everything,including problems and mistakes.You know how she will react,but you still need to tell her.If you don't,you will have unwanted guilt and your girlfriend
will be even more devastated because you kept a secret like
this from her for so long and her trust in you will dissapear in a flash.You need to tell her.Don't put her through even more pain.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2008): I don't think it is. All you'll be doing is offloading your guilt onto her and causing her some more misery. Why upset the applecart by doing that? If I were you I'd keep it to myself unless you want to end your relationship.
Like I said before, stop beating yourself up over it. It wasn't all that serious. There's nothing at all to be gained from spilling the beans.
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A
male
reader, Trajan +, writes (17 August 2008):
Trajan is verified as being by the original poster of the question if i tell her the truth then it will destroy her, her last boyfriend cheated on her and it took ages for her to move on. i`m no better than that guy now, i`m such an idiot. it was only a kiss but it could ruin a relationship with a girl who has made such a difference to my life..she does deserve so much better so i will tell her..i just have to grow a set of balls and admit what i did. is this the right thing to do?
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (17 August 2008):
 This is your guilt. If you are not going to tell her, it is your job to live with the guilt. Breaking up with her and making her think SHE did something wrong is hurting her as a means of transferring your guilt/hurt onto her. THAT is what you really did wrong.
I would suggest that you take this as a sign to stop drinking.
-Frank B Kermit
http://www.franktalks.com
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (17 August 2008):
I think you are feeling bad enough about the cheating so I am only going to criticise what you did next. Telling a girl "you need some space" can cause real hurt. There are lots of questions on here from tortured girls who are going over ever single thing they've done to figure out why their boyfriend "wanted space." Your girl is going to be blaming herself for your break up so you owe her the truth.
Tell her you broke up with you because you cheated and you thought she deserved better.
She may well get mad at you and want to stay split up and this may be hard for you, but if you care about her as much as you say you do then I think you would rather take that than let her go on thinking she has upset you somehow.
If she sees how sorry you are then she may agree to give you another chance.
Tell her you will stop drinking so much so it never happens again.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2008): No, I'm not going to criticise. We all do some pretty stupid things once we've got a few bevvies under our belts. On the cheating scale of one to ten, I'd say this was about a three or a four - depending on whether any groping took place. If you'd taken this female back to her place and slipped her a crippler that would rank as a ten.
Don't be too hard on yourself. In a few weeks time it will be towards the back of your mind. The main thing is that you learn from the experience, regulate your drinking so that you don't do anything else that's stupid and forgive yourself. Why spoil a perfectly good relationship over a meaningless snog at the back of a nightclub?
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