A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband for 3 years. It has been 3 years of hell and abuse, not physical, mental that I have not been able to understand. I have 2 children and he has one. We have been living together for 2 years now and since we all moved in together my husband has been very controlling and unfair with my children. I recently discovered, through my own research that my husband is bi polar. He has every symptom and while reading an article that describes the stages of bi polar, it was like reading a story of my reltaionship with him. I have been getting counceling for myself and looking into ways that I can get help for him. This morning I went to get some coffee and when I returned my 7 year old had just woken up and came to give me a hug. When she did he turned around and firmly asked her "did you do what I told you to?", and she said "yes". When I asked him what it was he wanted her to do he said to clean her room, this was 8 am and she had not had breakfast yet. He then looked back at her and told her that he was going to check and she told him that he could because she did what he asked. I told him to leave her alone, but he started to yell at her and call her a lier. She fell to the floor and began to cry. Something in my just snapped. I could not longer watch my child being abused. I told him that he was being mentally abusive and he needed to get some help. He refused to acknowledge that he had a problem. He said that she needed disapline, I told him to get out. He grabbed a bag of stuff and took his son and left. I am sure that I did the right thing for me and my children but on the other hand I can not afford the bills here, so I am not sure if I should have done this with out having a backup plan. I just couldn't watch my children being treated this way any longer and seeing my baby cry was breaking my heart. We have not been married for very long and we do not own anything together. We rent the house that we live in. The house is rented through a rental agency, but it does have private owners. Does anyone know if I can legally change the locks? It is not that I want to keep any of his stuff, I do not know where he is going, but I will gladly give what is his back when ever he gets there. It is just that most of the stuff in this house we bought together and I do not want for him to come in here while I am at work and take it all. He does make more money then me, but he came into this marriage owing a lot of major debts such as a student loan he had to repay, he owed money to the military, he also had a few other big debts. Plus he still owns a house in Puerto Rico with his ex wife that he was making 1/2 payments on until they could sell it and split the money. Since my paycheck goes into the same bank account as his my money has been going towards all of these bills that I did not have anything to do with, plus helping to pay our bills. He does not see it that way, he believes that just because he makes more money then me, that means he has been paying for everything. Can anyone advise me on how to handle things. I know he will be back, unless he is willing to get help and treatment I will not take him back. I need to know what my rights are and what I should be doing to protect me and my children. I have never been in this situtation before. Did I do the right thing?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2009): Good that you kicked him out whether he is just abusive narcissist or with a genetic mental disorder-bipolar disorder you did the right thing and be proud of yourself. Don't feel quilty for taking care of yourself and for your children, if you start to feel sorry for him and take him back THE ABUSE WILL START AGAIN AND GET MUCH WORSE. Your husband's son will probably have a mental disorder too thanks to your husband's life and possibly due to genetical inheritance of mendal disorders. The kid needs a safe place too. Make sure that your family and friends know where you and your kids are and what you are doing. Inform the police about your husband, so they can help you when you need them and also they can confirm your story with proved facts. And please act quickly and try to get away from that place asap. And do not be alone with your husband, he's not mentally stable and who knows what goes around in his head. And you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline to get help and advice: http://www.ndvh.org/ or call:SAFE (7233), or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for you encouragement. This is so incredibly hard and scary for me. I was very independent and completly on my own with my children for years before I met him. Although I did not like being alone, I felt the need to protect myself and my children from something like this. After he convinced me that he was always going to be here for us, I gave up my car, my apartment and moved 3000 miles away from home for his work. I am in a position where I have nobody to trun to. I have been strong in the past and I know I can be strong again. It is just that I have never allowed myself to be so dependent on anybody, I have never trusted anybody this much in my life, not even my children's biological father. I have never been financially or mentally unstable like this. I am currently experiancing my worst nightmear and I am so horrified. If my first follow up was mean, please understand. Thank You.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): Hi, I can't give you legal advice but I want to say that yes, absolutely you did the right thing. I was in an abusive relationship years ago and still suffer emotional effects from it. It's so hard to break away because the abuser makes you think there is nothing better out there for you, that you should be lucky to have him, that you don't deserve any better. But you DO deserve more, and so do your children. I'm sure it will be hard for you financially, but your peace of mind is so much more important. Good luck, stay strong in your conviction, and look to a brighter future without this man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): Hi, I am the first poster, and it sounds like you've done the right thing. Well done. Keep calm. Carry on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your advise, but I have no doubt that this hell my children and I have been sufferning through for the past 3 years is no less then abuse. This abuse has included porn / sex addiction, cheating,verbal such as calling my 14 year old a slut, calling my 7 year old a whiney baby and punishing her for sitting too close to me on the couch, telling me that his ex wife cooked, cleaned and is prettier then me and telling me that I am a bad wife and mother if I do not agree with everything he says or if I get upset about the way I am treated. Telling me to F-off when I try to talk and mental such as turning out all of the lights on my 7 year old when she is afraid of the dark and making her use the bathroom when there is a spider in there that she is horrified of and not allowing anybody to remove the spider for her, not allowing me to think, say or feel anything that does not agree 100% with what he wants, thinks and feels and if I do I will be ingonred for days -weeks at a time and not premitted to speak at all. I am not sure if this is what everyone would call abuse or just a slight misunderstanding, but considering the fact he can easily call his mom crazy for acting exactly like him, but is not able to acknowledge or take responsibility for his own actions I would say he has a slight problem. I don't mean to sound so defensive, but for the past 5 weeks I have been posting ads on this board looking for help and advise, explaining the way my children and I have been treated and how I did not have to means to leave or kick him out. People have encouraged me to put my kids first and get out of this situtation. I feel that I have done the right thing by doing this, and since this happend within the past two hours I am scared of him comming back and I am scared of him not comming back. I don't know if you can begin to understand how this feels for me or how hard it is to break away from abuse that has been going on for years. But for the last person that posted, it is clear that you do not know and I will pray that you never do. Thank You.
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A
female
reader, Miss Potter  +, writes (8 February 2009):
 My advice is not really an advice but here it comes. We tend to see everything and interpret things through our own value system. You say that he was mentally abusing your child. From reading the post it sounded like he told your child to do something (was her room dirty/messy?) and she did clean up (so she said) but you decided to intervene - which has angered your husband and your child sensed that there is a split between you two and decided to take it to her advantage - she fell on the floor and started crying which has lead to you kicking your husband out of the house. I allow that your husband treats your children more strictly than his own child. How do you treat his child? Are your children spoiled? Is his child spoil?
Also about the disease. You have read some papers and you assume that he is bipolar. I have to say that only a qualified doctor will be able to determine that. I cant recall the right term, but there is actually a term for people who read information (medical conditions in particular) and start to associate those conditions with themselves or people they know. There were some cases when a person read the descriptions of some of the diseases and he truly believed that he had all of those!
Perhaps your husband is not entirely happy with the situation which triggers him off to behave in a rude/annoyed manner? Maybe you should discuss your expectations both yours and his, where do they collide, is there anything you can do to make it better?
The financial situation should be sorted out too, it is vital that you save some money for yourself just in case and he should be paying all of his debts on his own or you should agree on the amount that you are willing to contribute to pay off his debts.
If you are persistent in that he has the bipolar condition you could encourage him to see a doctor as I am sure that people who actually have the disease suffer no less from having it than people who are around them. (Poor Britney Spears :))
Anyway I am just encouraging you to look at the situation from different angles, not to include your children into your arguments with your husband and discuss your problems and issues with your husband openly.
All the best!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): I am not a lawyer but regardless of whether you take him back or not my response is:Whose name is the house in? Contact the agency and make sure it is yours. Say you need to change the locks. Advertise for a room mate. Look for cheaper places.You say he took 'his' child with him. You need to inform the school that he has done this. This is not good for that child. If you are scared of him you should inform the police. If he takes stuff that belongs to you both it is stealing and he needs to know that. It sounds as though you have reacted from instinct, but have basically established you no longer want him in your life and more importantly, in your children's. I wouldn't either. You may need to have that talk with him, and it is an idea to make sure it is in public, with other people around, or at the home of a mutual friend.Perhpas he will agree to get treatment but it sounds like it will be a long haul before he acknowledges his behaviour, even with therapy. Do you really want him living with you while he goes through it?
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