A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello! Please help me. I keep pushing men away. I don't know why.... It's stressing me out. Every guy I meet I look for reasons why they are not right. I date them but don't let myself sleep with them. I constantly look for reasons why they are not right. The problem is the last guy was very keen, but again I rejected him several times. He kept forgiving me however eventually found another girl- they seem happy. I am gutted because I miss him. I feel like he was so nice but at the time I rejected him. Has anyone else experienced this? I have not had a lot of experience with men and am a virgin but I want to find someone to love and to be happy. I think I'm constantly worried that they will leave me but they seem to leave because 'things aren't going anywhere'. I have lost 5 stone, have another 2 to loose. I thought it may be my weight affecting my self esteem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh and I don't think I'm a lesbian- I had thought about that.It's not that I don't have a sex drive or anything - in fact I will probably (when I meet the right one!) be a bit of a 'girl'. It's just the initial thing I have to get over. I guess I'm worried it will hurt, etc but everyone loses it at some point!!! Kind of wish I'd followed the crowd and done it much younger sometimes- though I'd probably have regrets then!!! I think I need to date more people and let things happen and lower my barriers a bit!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys! Yes there is a lot of truth in what all of you say. To be honest I've had a fairly 'normal' upbringing! Parents are married, I guess my mum has always been the 'stronger' one in the relationship, main earner, etc. I spent most of my early 20's studying having fun with friend's- I guess I didn't date all that much. I guess I just feel strange that I've reached 29/30 as a virgin - I'm probably scared of rejection as you all seem to say.I guess my standards are high too- I'm a professional woman. I've got my own house. But it shouldn't matter. The weight loss thing is important to me. I also go to church - which I am concerned is adversely affecting me. I need to realise that 'Christian men' tend to marry young- I know no-one is perfect and that I'm never, never ever going to find a perfect man. Although I didn't realise when I was dating the last guy - he was quite perfect to me, he liked me as I was, we got on well. I really agree with you when you talk about focusing on the 'faults'!!! I really need to work on this- thanks for all your replies though- definately something to reflect on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): Stop looking for someone to love and be happy and just look for a guy to have fun with.
OP you only want fun then you're going to be a lot more tolerant of these perceived flaws.
You're looking for Mr. Right, so everything has to be 100% what you've always dreamed of and you're far too picky because of that.
I hate to say this OP but being a virgin at your age does not allow you to be this picky. Most guys our age expect a sexual relationship before we even commit to a relationship. Being a picky virgin is really working against you OP.
Now wanting to save yourself sexually for the right guy is fine, but is he really the wrong guy just because his hair is starting to recede or he's not a doctor? You don't have to sleep with a guy to date OP, you can wait as long as you like building a relationship before you let loose, I mean the last guy was patient as hell. Plus we all do just fine with blow jobs and handy j's while we wait OP.
There's only one solution. As long as you're attracted to the guy, as long as you can have good conversation and as long as he seems nice, just shut down your brain and take the chance on dating him. His nose is crooked? So he's not perfect, maybe once you get to know him that crooked nose will be a feature find endearing and grow to love as being uniquely him.
Time to open your mind more OP and eventually your legs too.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (27 March 2013):
 If you suffer from low self esteem, you secretly do not think you are worthy of finding a nice guy. So you sabotage the relationship. It's the "I'll dump him before he dumps me" syndrome so you conjure up reasons why the guy is no good and which makes it easier to pull away from him or cause him to leave. You obviously don't think these men will find you attractive, desirable or interesting over the long haul, so you pull the plug. It feels like you are in control because you're the one calling the shots. Maybe if you start talking to a counselor you will understand your behavior and thus be able to break the cycle. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): You're over 30 and still rejecting men? Ever considered that you may prefer women? Just kidding.You sabotage a relationship to avoid possible rejection; so a date with you is like a show-down. Who gets to pull the trigger first?Reflect inward to determine who you are, where you're going, and what your own strengths and weaknesses are. You're finding fault in others in order to establish a feeling of superiority. If you have the upper-hand, you feel in control of the outcome of any possible situation or relationship. The result, you sink the ship before it leaves port.You spend too much time looking for faults in other people. You're afraid they'll focus on, or notice, yours first. Your insecurity reflects through your personality; so you come across uninviting.That's your problem. You're so busy finding what's wrong and over-looking what's right. You are doing what must have been done to you when you were growing up.This is all in your own mind. Nature provided us all with our own bait and tackle. It's up to us to figure out how to fish. No one can really tell you how. You seek answers, but you don't look inward where you'll find them.Give me and yourself a break on the weight-loss thing. Personality is more important. You're the one rejecting people, not the other way around. You're your own worst enemy and you've set up road-blocks that no amount of responses on this site can penetrate.You describe exactly what you do, and yet you don't see it.Try doing just the reverse and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (27 March 2013):
 HI
I think your kidding yourself....your scared of loosing your virginity so keep finding an excuse more like. You really have to break through this barrier before you end up on the shelf which I know you don't want. Easier said then done eh? not at all, the next guy you meet whom you have dated for a while and it goes to the next level, be brave go for it whats the worst that can happen??
Mandy xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): Hi,
You say very little about the rest of your life or situation, and so I am finding it hard to give advice. I get the impression ( might be wrong) that you might live with a parent or sibling and perhaps are not independent enough to be able to "be yourself". Something is preventing you from moving any relationship forward ...once you find out what that is, things should be able to change. Well done with the weight that's amazing and I wish you luck x
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