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female
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*rincess05
writes: I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world. I can't stop nagging and hitting him. I don't want to hurt him but it's getting worse. Help me to stop before I really hurt him. Reply to this Question
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (17 August 2005):
 You know this is abuse and it has to stop. The first thing you need to ask yourself is why you are doing it. Do you feel very insecure? Jealous? Worried about the future? Have you had a bad experience in the past with a man? Have you yourself been abused in the past?
Think about what you are thinking just before you have a go at your partner. What thoughts are going through your mind? What triggers your anger? Write these thoughts down and share them with him. He needs to know too why you are like this and how to help you change.
You have taken the first and most important step which is accepting what you do is wrong. Many people who are abusive are in denial and lay the blame at someone else's door. I admire your courage and now you need to use this strength to change. You can.
Something probably happened to you, either as a child or more recently, and it has led you to this behaviour. Try to see a counsellor who will help to untangle your thoughts and actions.
Next time you feel yourself getting hot under the collar, take a deep breath and leave the room, leave the house if necessary. Instead of trying to control your partner by nagging him, try to control yourself and your temper/frustration. Use distraction; ring a friend, read a magazine, go for a walk-anything to let your anger go down and your irritation to ease.
Talk to your partner when you are calmer and build the trust between you. Let him see that you are trying to do all you can.
Coming to terms with the reasons why you are this way and using that knowledge to assist you in confronting the problem will help you to smooth the way for the relationship you really want with your boyfriend.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2005): There is a big difference between being physically abusive to someone as opposed to giving him a light smack on his arm when he's frustrating you or teasing you? Not sure where you are on this scale-but, if you are hitting him in anger or rage, you have to stop and ask why yourself why you are behaving this way. It's saying that you are crossing over into the area of abuse and no one deserves that.
Like men, women are just as capable of acting out physically. In fact, when they do, most men, who have been taught "never to hit a woman" are rendered powerless. Our culture teaches boys and young men that to be a "real man" they just have to be able to take it, and especially take it from a woman. Society does attribute control and domination solely to men. If we are honest with ourselves we all know that women are just as controlling and dominating in their ways as are men. Some people believe female violence against men-is purely a self-defense response to male violence. But it's not that way in some cases..there is such a thing as "husband battering" syndrome. Even when some men are severely injured, they will go to great lengths to avoid telling anyone what they've been through. If you are hitting him and it's out of control.
Hitting is a learned behaviour and it's all about power and control. If it's out of control..go see your family doctor..come clean and tell them you have this problem and he'll recommend a good "anger management" program with professional counseling.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, woory solver +, writes (17 August 2005):
hi princess05,
i think you need to relax and try to sstay calm!
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