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writes: Help! I've been turned down. Again. Again as in about 20 times... i feel really unwanted and depressed. I also feel ugly because nobody seems to say yes and It makes me lower my confidence... I felt really confident today when I asked this girl out and she said no but now it's gone again. Should I feel this way?
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male
reader, CelticFire +, writes (11 November 2005):
It wasn't so long ago that I felt I was in the same spot. I asked lots of girls out, really put myself out there, and every turn down left me feeling like a loser. Here's what I figured out, I hope the same helps you too: feeling bad about myself had very little to do with being rejected - being rejected just brought the feeling to the surface.The first step I took was taking a break from asking girls out for a little while (about 1 month).Next, I focused on the things that made me feel not as attractive physically - I started working out, taking better care of myself, eating better. This can be a huge confidence boost - even if you aren't the "muscle-man" kind of guy (I'm not), getting in some exercise does wonders for your self confidence.At the same time, I made sure I was having fun and feeling good about my personality. I picked up some old hobbies and some new ones - anything I could do to get me out of the house and learning new things. Confidence comes from acheiving goals - so it's important to keep active doing something you like and making progress. This is the biggest piece of advice I have. The payoff was pretty good for me - once I took my focus off of meeting girls and worked on my self for awhile I noticed something great: girls were checking me out, asking me to dance, and willing to hand over their phone numbers. They sense confidence and are attracted to it - so set your goals, go for them, and then resume meeting the girls.One final piece of advice - if you're asking out a girl you just met, get her phone number and arrange a simple coffee date (or some other similarly short date). Asking a girl out to dinner who you don't know very well is a big jump - meeting at a local coffee shop to chat for 20 minutes is relatively easy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2005): I am tall and have been attracted to biggish guys at an intial glance, but I have recently fallen head over heels for a short, bald, large tummied male!
Why?
He didn't ask me out (and hasn't yet), but over a few months of listening to his sense of humour, his sensitivity, his interests, I cannot help but feel that spark when he comes any way near me. I don't care what he looks like, I find the depth behind his eyes, his expression and presence overwhelming. Even I am surprised.
This person I refer to has a confidence about him. Just be yourself, genuine, don't TRY, just be you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2005): been there, felt like that. it ok. just go out more. make friends and build bonds, it will happen sure enough. make friends and love will appear from no-where. even if its just to go up to them and ask for the time(even if you no the time) see what happens.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (10 November 2005):
 I feel for you, but don't worry that you're being rejected because you're unlovable or "ugly". The most likely real reason is that you're either approaching women who don't know you well enough to say Yes (eg: some woman waiting for a bus), or you're using the wrong tactics.
Think of the rejections this way: there are more than 6,000,000,000 people on the planet. How many of those people are your friends? A couple of dozen? And how many years did it take you to make those particular friends? If you're like most of us, then it's taken most of your life to get to know those few people. Does that mean that you're a reject from humanity, because more than 5.99999 billion people aren't your friends? NO. It just means that not every person clicks with every other person.
Same thing with dating. If you're extremely lucky and live for another 60-70 years, you might find a handful of women that you really love. And that's considered good fortune.
So, what do you do? You just keep trying.
As another aunt has suggested, don't go with pick-up lines. Women are more interested in real guys with real interest. An introduction like "Hi, I'm Wayne. We know each other from soccer practice. Would you like to go for a coffee sometime and discuss next week's game?" has a lot more appeal to a woman than "Saaaayyy... You're a Libran, I can feel it!" Try to ask out women that have the same interests as you and don't feel like you have to go for the scattergun effect and ask out 500 women a week. Remember the 5+ billion non-friends?
If you have women friends - even sisters or cousins - talk to them about how they like to be approached and especially what turns them off, so you can amend the way you're coming across if necessary. Then think about what you're doing and saying and the way you come across to women. Do the obvious things too, like making sure you're dressed cleanly and that you've shaved etc. It may not matter to the woman in question, but you can always err on the side of caution!
Good luck with it.
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female
reader, beenthere +, writes (9 November 2005):
it's understandable that you feel this way but do you have a lot of close female friends? it may be because you are good "friend material". try meeting people in different places. stop looking for girls. it's true that love happens when you least expect it. i should know as i've known my partner all my life and, although i knew he was interested, always said i'd never go there. then 2 years ago i was with someone else and my, now fiance, made a real effort to turn up where he knew i'd be and i realised he was the one i wanted. i'm sure you're not ugly. don't give up
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female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (9 November 2005):
 How many girls are you asking out? Take your time, life isn't a big dating game you know. Maybe you are using the wrong approach, girls don't really respond to cheesey pick up lines and bad jokes. We are a lot more likely to go out with someone with interests similar to our own and to someone that doesn't sound desperate. Try asking out girls from a hang out spot you frequent. Rejection won't kill you, learn from it. Play back your experience with someone close to you, let them tell you what they saw that would have turned them off to your date request.
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