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male
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anonymous
writes: I really need some advice as this problem is tearing me appart.It all started about a year and a half ago, me and my wife were having some big problems in our marriage which ended up with us splitting up because it was not fair on the children having to see us argue.Not long after we split up (a little too soon really) a woman I work with started to get really friendly with me and before we knew it we were in a relationship. The feelings I had for this woman were like nothing I've ever had before, I know it always feels like that at the start but it kept on feeling like that month after month, I really did fall head over heels in love with her.Anyway, this woman had some big problems with a violent ex boyfriend and it was causing some problems for us and what with the problems I was having in my life I thought that maybe we should stay appart and sort out our problems first. She agreed to do that and we just remained friends but very close friends.After a while I started visiting my children a lot more, I had found myself in a position where I had a lot of time on my hands and rather than just spend it on my own or out drinking with friends I thought of it as an ok thing to do, I was also getting on well with my wife and we had become friends again.The woman I work with was a little unsure of things and thought that I might be getting back with my wife which I kept telling here that I wasn't.Now I have changed jobs and within a couple of weeks of me leaving this woman has told me that she has become friendly with another man and it's possible that things might go further with him in the future but they are only friends and nothing will happen for a long time.I got really upset about this as I do love this woman and was just waiting for the situation to become better before we could make a real go of things. I told her how I felt but it seems that she is unsure of what to do now, she says she loves me but she is worried about getting hurt by me and is saying that things won't work between us. I've now told her that if there isn't any hope for us then I'm going to have to disappear out of her life because it would be painfull to see her get into another relationship. She is really upset about this and says she doesn't want to lose me but I don't really see that I have any choice.We have now both agreed not to contact each other anymore and it is tearing me appart. I love this woman so much and really miss her. Am I doing the right thing as it really doesn't feel like I am at the moment?
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male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (4 April 2006):
 Well from what you are saying she seems to be hedgeing her bets in getting attached to somebody else. She saw your situation and, as she said became scared, she thus started looking around and attached herself to somebody else as an emotional insurance policy.
One of the things about fear is as an emotion it can often be a self-fufilling prophercy. She has now brought about the result she feared. Conversly you may well have given her 'other man' a boost by telling her you have no hope. You have to follow your heart even if that means taking a few risks now and again. If you get back in touch you run the risk its too late and she fell into the amrs of this other guy; on the other hand if you don't you may well have an extensive period of wondering 'what if' on your hands. If you try and fail then at least you will know you tried and you fought for her affection. Sometimes not trying can be more painful than trying and failing.
You did the right thing from a 'safe' point of view but i get the distinct impression that this isn't enough for you. What you do next is entirely up to you, I would suggest you weigh the options carefully and go with what you decide whole-heartedly.
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