A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some help,I am a bright eighteen year old girl. Mature, and respectful. Hooking up and dating were never things I'd partake in. Right before starting my first year in art school, I met a guy who instantly charmed me. He would call me every day, and we would have honestly romantic dates. We fell in love very fast. He is twenty five years old, and was homeless when we met- but this didnt bother me.I moved out into an apartment to be closer to school. He would visit me and spend the night, and then one day met up with my after school with a bag of all his stuff and said "yay now I can leave this at your place, i dont have to leave it on the ground anymore." This was okay with me, how could I say no? Soon his stay overs were frequent, and he just lived with me. How could I ask him to go back onto the street when he could just stay with me? It was too soon for our relationship, but I had no heart to send him out.He is a man with a truly damaged past. He was in a relationship for 6 years, his girl cheated on him, and he tried to kill himself. His parents dont care much for him, and hes been on his own for most of his life. He would drink a lot, which I thought was fairly innocent, until he would get drunk and act irrationally and get upset with me for unintentionally hurting his feelings. A look or something would set him off. He has spit on me, cussed me out, pushed me, punched me (not hard enough to bruise me), all while drunk. But sober he would quickly realize his mistakes and apologize and go back to his sweet ways. I dont know why I allowed him to do this, but I couldnt hate him for being drunk when I loved him sober. He is very insecure, hates it when I talk to guy friends in person or on the computer. And whenever hed get the chance he'd read my facebook messages and accuse me of being unfaithful. I have never done anything unfaithful because I truly love him and only him, and no matter how much I try to explain it, he always feels threatened by other males on the street even. Yelling at me in public, for disrespecting him, by simply glancing at a mass of people walking by who just happened to be guys. And I would sit quietly and take him yelling at me.He always tells me how much he loves me, and how he wants only me. How much it hurt him when his last girlfriend was unfaithful, and how it hurts him when guys check me out. I gave him my virginity, and he gave me his as well. Something he feels strongly about because he saved his for 25 years, and promised his grandmother before she passed away, he would only give to his wife.When my girlfriends from school would invite me to go out dancing, he'd have to make sure its only my girlfriends going, give me permission, and then guilt trip me into not going out, into staying home and hanging out with him so he doesn't have to be alone. He had a plenty of fish account that truly upset me, and when I confronted him about it, he said its only to talk to his friends since hed been on there for a long time. And he's a humanitarian only giving people hope and helping them to find their true loves. Stupidly i believed him and I would see him on this site from time to time. One day I logged on and saw that he was flirting with people online and it broke my heart. When I told him, he said that he would only do that at times that I made him upset... I made him delete it, and he showed genuine remorse for how he hurt me, and bla bla bla made up for it.I moved out of the apartment back in with my mother, and he was homeless once again. At night it was hard for me to sleep knowing that I'm in a warm bed, and he is cold somewhere outside.He told my father his situation, and my father offered him to move to eureka with him. He gave him a job and a place to stay. My boyfriends constant motivation is to be able to work to make a future for us. Always taslking about how we're going to get married some day and he is going to give me everything that I want and more. And it is a truly loving gesture, that I'm very proud of, that makes me love him more.Even more my father is anti substance and asked my boyfriend to stop drinking and smoking. Which he did, and which he asked me to stop as well. And gladly, I did. However, he controls so many restrictions on me that make me very sad. Honestly, I am not the kind of girl to wrong him in any way, I love him a lot. That is why when he says not to wear crop tops and other strange things I'd like to wear (because i'm young and in art school) I do it just to make him happy. He knows that I'm not a slut and I don't act like one, but he doesn't want other guys to look at me. He tells me not to talk to guys or have any guy friends, and I don't just to make him happy. I have to ask his permission when I want to go out and dance, and he needs to make sure that its only girls, and that I'm not wearing a dress or a skirt... Silly and small things, that add up and hurt me. I don't know how to address these problems, because everything he does he does because he loves me. I love him too much to break up with him, but also if I do break up with him I don't want to be responsible for if he starts drinking and smoking again or ends up homeless again, or tries to kill himself. I just want us to be fair, and have freedom and I want a healthy relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you kindly. You got me to start thinking about things I need to be thinking about.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): Okay. You will either listen or you will not.
1. He moved in on you and you let him.
2. He controls you.
3.. He has hurt you emotionally.
4. He has hurt you physically.
5. He has been deceptive.
6. He isolates you.
7. He controls you, using guilt, emotional blackmail, abuse, threats, and protestations of love.
He is broken.
He might be healed after many years, but for now, he is broken.
He cannot offer you a future.
He doesn't have one.
He is participating in the future you and your father have provided him.
This does not make him irredeemable. It makes him a long term project for a team of professionals whose personal lives are not intertwined with his.
You made a mistake giving him your virginity.
You made a mistake letting him move in.
You made a mistake in your assessment of his character.
You made a mistake in assuming responsibility for his health, happiness and future.
Unless you want him to drain you dry...
Unless you want to be hurt more...
Unless you want to continue to be controlled...
Unless you want to be isolated from friends and family...
Unless you want to be in a position where you are supporting him financially...
Unless you are completely delusional in thinking that his past will not dictate his future, short of him getting several years of profound and intensive therapy....
YOU MUST BREAK UP WITH HIM AND SEEK OUT THE HELP AND SUPPORT THAT YOU NEED TO DO IT...
This is not love. This is a user disguised as love. He may feel the emotion of love, but he cannot back it up with healthy trust, mutuality of support, a peer relationship, and connectedness that he neither controls nor solely defines....
GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!
Then get help for why you got into this situation.
You are very young. You have a great life ahead of you, potentially. Don't throw it away on this dysfunctional dynamic disguised as a love affair. I beg you. Stacey
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