A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my girlfriend shuts me out completely when she's upset and i don't know if i can handle it anymore. last week her grandpa had a stroke and wound up in the hospital, and rather than telling me the truth about it at first, she told me she just had a bad night at work and just needed me to leave her alone for a while. i was a little offended and expressed it to her that it hurt my feelings, but i left her alone and gave her her space. she eventually admitted the truth about her grandpa. it really surprised me that she felt she couldn't tell me the truth and fill me in on what was going on. i told her i felt i couldn't be with someone who shuts me out like that. if i'm with someone and something like that happens, i feel it's important for me to know. for one, i would want to go to the hospital with her. but not only that, but it directly affects her and i. she told me she'd work on it.well yesterday, her grandpa had another stroke, and she called me and told me she was on her way to the hospital again, but told me she was stressed and didn't want to talk for the remainder of the night and that she'd call me tomorrow. i was really upset about being shut out again, but i said okay because i didn't want to give her even more to stress over at the moment. it didn't seem appropriate. well i didn't hear from her all night and up until noon today, when she finally called me for a few minutes and gave me a vague update and was on her way back to the hospital. but i was out at lunch with a friend and didn't want to be rude so i let her go after about ten minutes, but i told her i'd call her back immadiately afterwards. i called her right after lunch and got absolutely no answer or response for another five hours, when she eventually texted me and asked what i was doing. but right now, i'm at a complete loss for words and what to say, so i've ignored her as of right now. i'm very upset that when stuff like this happens, her reaction is to shut me out completely. i don't know how to handle this. i've expressed to her on numerous occasions i can't handle being treated that way, but it doesn't seem to change. and i feel i can only express myself so much. i don't know if i'm in the wrong, and should just let her handle this the way she needs and be supportive or if i'm justified in being upset. to me, when you're in a relationship, you are a team. and you can't shut each other out like that. i worry and i stress about her and her family. i love her and care about her, so when things like this happen, it really upsets me. how should i handle this? advice please.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): Yes, I'd say you were most definitely in the wrong. Far from supportive I think you've been incredibly selfish. When I first began reading your post I was quite supportive of you. I was touched that a man would even notice when a woman wasn't happy. So many seem to carry on in cheerful oblivion no matter what turmoil a woman is in. You seemed the exception. Then I read on.Your girlfriend tells you she had a rough day and needed some space and YOU were offended.She finally tells you her grandfather is seriously ill and in hospital and you tell her YOU can't be with someone who treats YOU like that.Then she tells you her grandfather had yet another stroke and once again YOU were 'really upset'.You blew her off because you were out with your friend and when she didn't immediately respond to your call you ignore her and give her the cold shoulder.Some people need to sort out their thoughts alone before they can express them to anyone else. Others need to vent the moment they hear bad news. Your girlfriend is obviously one of the former (as am I so I can relate). People like this take great comfort from knowing that someone out there cares about us and is patient and understanding enough to let us grieve in our own way. Knowing that we CAN call them when we're ready is what helps us get through those hard times. So letting her handle this her own way is exactly what you should have done.Instead of supporting your girlfriend in the way SHE NEEDED, YOU decided that she should allow you to support her the way YOU WANTED. You even went so far as to threaten her when she broke your rule (telling her you couldn't be with someone who shut you out).In a recent post I advised a woman to rely more on her women friends for suport and not her boyfriend because more often than not, men just aren't very good at it.It doesn't seem to matter what tragedy a woman is living through and how bad things are for her, a man will always find a way to make it about him.Sometimes I really hate being right.
A
female
reader, blueangelvenom +, writes (1 September 2011):
First off, don't shut her out when she has been shutting you out, its not going to solve your problem. Obviously she has some trust issues, from the way it sounds she has been hurt emotionally at least enough in her past that she fears any strong connections. What she's probably needing is someone who will let her have some space when bad things are going down, but will help her whenever she needs help. For example, Say she has to go to the hospital again and calls to inform you, answer the call, listen, make time for her, then if she wants some space, say alright,and tell her that if there is anything you can do to comfort her, or help out that you'll be there for her. Don't play games, you asked her to tell you when something happens, don't be a jerk and ignore her calls, you don't know why she didn't answer in the first place for the couple of hours, her grandpa could have been in surgery and she might have been trying to sooth and comfort her mother or something. Its perfectly normal to be upset,but you have to remember some women handle things differently. Each relationship a person has, includes different trials and issues, the real question you need to ask yourself, how much do you care for this girl? And i know it seems dramatic, but would you give you life to save this girl? If you can answer yes to both these questions, then you know you truly love her, and will stick by her, even if the way she drives you crazy by not leaning on you, and you'll try your best to work out your problems together. Sometimes if one is trying to pull to hard, it does the opposite, it repels the ones we love the most. Don't push to hard, you can't expect her to fix this issue in a couple of hours, or even in a week. The main point i'm going to tell you, is be patient, don't give up, don't push to hard for what you want, try to help her in little ways, be sincere, care for her, be romantic and try bringing her flowers or offering her a relaxing evening with a movie of her choice, with all the stress thats going on it couldn't hurt, but after the grandpa gets a bit better so she won't feel like she's abandoning him. I know it seems like a lot to do, but not all of this can be done in one day, think of it like stepping stones. take one step at a time. First step is to say your sorry for ignoring her, that you knew it didn't help with everything that was going on, and you hope that she'll forgive you. Then take it from there and try to do something for her. I wish you all the luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): If she wants to be left alone, leave her alone. If you can't handle that, then your hands are tied. I have a similar relationship with my mom. I don't like talking about my feelings or anything else. It makes me uncomfortable. I usually confide in my best friends because I feel like they understand. Like I said before, if she wants to be alone, let her be alone. You aren't helping anyone by butting in on something she'd like to deal with by herself. You said you wanted to go to the hospital with her--would she really want that? You to come in and put her in an uncomfortable position? Its not even your grandfather! Its her and her family's thing to deal with. How serious are you? Some people really don't like unloading their emotions onto someone they have only been with a short while. Do you think you are helping your relationship by ignoring her? If this hurts you so much, than don't talk. Listen. Don't bark at her "i want you to start opening up your feelings right now!" say "why can't you open up to me? If you don't want to talk, its fine. Just tell me "i don't want to talk about this". But can you please tell me why you are shutting me out?" say it with a soft and gentle tone. And listen to what she has to say! Make note of how she feels and learn. And bear in mind she's going through alot right now, so don't be surprised if she acts immaturely or something. Some people aren't good with dealing with pain.
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