A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Ever since I was about 16 years old, I've had more guy friends than girl friends. I prefer it this way, but it comes with it's pitfalls and one is that I have had more than a few male friends declare their romantic feelings for me, which I haven't mirrored, and then the friendship comes to a messy conclusion and I've had to cut every single one of these guys out of my life. This exact situation is now happening with another friend of mine and I want to know: when one friend is romantically interested, and the other isn't, is there any way to salvage the friendship? Is there any way to avoid this happening? I've tried to be honest and open and talk about how we both feel and how there's no possibility of anything more than a friendship, but this doesn't seem to help. Eventually they just all seem to get angry, frustrated, hurt, and hurtful. Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): anoynymous reader in the city:I recently had an experience like yours.. well, in the way it started, at least. I was in a new place and met a guy who was a fun friend and who I thought liked me. Thinking it was "safe" to do so, I developed a large crush. But one night he eluded to his desire to not date anyone at this point in his life. I got drunk with him and told him I liked him, to which he said nothing. Yet, we continued to hang out, though there was an obvious tension. I felt like his messages were mixed, and continued to feel that way for another month, but eventually realized he probably wasn't going to date me. I kept my mouth shut and spent the next couple weeks getting over him. But I realized that he had no idea I'd gotten over him -- he might have still been feeling pressure. So, being ready, I first emailed him a short message saying that I know things are sometimes awkward, and want you to know that your friendship is treasured and I don't need more. I assured him my intentions were not to convince him to be my boyfriend, but simply to be a friend and enjoy his company. He was receptive, we talked in person, and now our friendship is better than it ever was. That pressure he says he feels can be extremely debilatating. It's horrible to feel like you can't give someone what they want, and pulling away is a natural response. You have to first convince yourself, and then him, that yes, I had a crush, but my intentions for you are friendship and you don't have to feel like I'm obliquely trying to pursue you -- there is a lot of pressure in that and I respect your feelings enough not to do that. I am just fine being friends and it's all I could ask for. I miss having you around as a friend and would hate to see you pull away on account of awkwardness. If that does not work, it is out of your hands. Possibly he has feelings for you that he knows he is in no state to pursue at this point and is confused. But, more likely, he is trying to protect you from pain and not lead you on. THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU, ITS HIM.(Ironic, since you are indeed hurting, but not as much as if he'd pursued you when you wanted him to -- he isn't ready and it would have ended badly, hurting you worse). But, the best thing you can do is get over him. Regardless of whether the friendship can come back, it will make you feel a lot better. YOu will make other friends, I assure you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): It is always a problem, anon., and it is a problem for men as well. No easy answers. Would that there were. Men worry all the time that simply asking a woman out for a date will make her think he has more interest than a friendly date. Friendships do often lead to real love, but not always. Truthfully, I think we all just go on floundering. I wish I could give you an easy answer, but that would mean I had one of my own. And I don't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): Hi,
I completely sympathise with you as i have the same problem. I didn't used to have many guy friends but recently have started to have more. However whenever i start to become friends rather than just acquaintances then they usually declare their feelings for me. I feel really bad when i can't reciprocate this but also want to be able to have the friendship, although i wonder sometimes if i'm being selfish in this. I feel like the only guys you can be friends with without the complications are exes as you already know it doesn't work! I have one guy friend who did tell me he liked me but we are still friends, the only way i did this was by being very honest and very cautious and basically always have to worry about how i am with him. I wouldn't not have his friendship but it is difficult and i don't think it can be easy between us so to be completely honest i think there are few guys who can just accept it and move on. I think there are some that will remain friends but it depends on personality etc and that in most instances if you keep the friendship it won't be the same as it was. Wish there was an answer on a way to make it better but i haven't found one yet!
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A
female
reader, jea49  +, writes (6 December 2007):
That is sad when this happens, if you have already made it clear to him that the relationship could not be any more than friendship, this is all you can do, it's up to him to decide whether he can handle just being friends or not. If he is truly a good friend i believe he will understand. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): I have the opposite problem. But as a person with the shoe on the other foot, maybe I can offer some perspective and maybe you can offer me some. I recently moved to a new city where I don't know anyone to start a professional degree. Hence, I'm very busy. I had the great luck to meet an amazing guy who's more compatible to me than any man I've ever met. We quickly struck up a great friendship, spending lots of time together. But then he started in with the mixed messages. Hours worth of dinners, movies and drinks, with him paying for everything. Conversation that bordered on the bonding of close friends and flirtation. However, he'd also talk about how his ex-girlfriend broke his heart. So I knew that I was developing feelings and he wasn't. I tried paying for myself (he would not let me). I tried steering the conversation away from very personal romantic topics (didn't work).
I decided to confess, because I thought that he just needed to stop with the mixed messages and we'd be fine. He was shocked - had no idea that I was getting that impression, but was honest that he did not feel the same way. We both agreed to remain friends, but he is pulling away significantly -- even though I told him I'm committed to getting over him. We only talk at school. We never spend any social time together. His conversation is guarded, but friendly. I confronted him about it and all he can say is that he feels awkward and that there will always be expectations.
It's destroyed me: I'm not only rejected romantically -- I've lost a friend who brought tons of joy to my life. My question is the same as yours, "Is there a way for friends to get through a time like this?"
But here are some questions that might help: Do you sometimes give off mixed messages to your male friends or unconsciously flirt too much?
Have you found a way to interact with them (post-confession) that is still friendly and non-alienating, but keeps enough distance to prevent confusion?
Are you the one who can't be friends?
I know they're not easy questions to answer. And I don't envy your position either. But I'm wishing there was a way for all of us to "get over it." I'm more heartbroken that my friend doesn't feel comfortable around me than I am that he doesn't love me.
In the end, if your male friends won't accept your honesty that things will never be romantic, you have to cut them loose, because that attitude cannot be productive to patching up a platonic friendship.
If they CAN'T accept your honesty... If they just feel that strongly that it breaks their hearts to be around you knowing there's no chance, cut'em some slack and let go. You're a good person to be sad about it. Some people don't care. And some people can't get over love unless they separate themselves from the person.
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