A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Just a bit of background, I come from an "old fashioned" family in terms of doing things old school, (Italian style) my parents don't have many friends anymore as my mom has alienated herself and withdrawn away from the public eye.. I feel the reason to that is due to the kind of guys my sisters married as my parents felt that they could have done better as their husbands are old school and dont bring out the true potential that my sisters have, they have studied etc, but are now stay at home moms doing house work and helping hubby at their businesses etcI am the youngest of 4. I have 3 older sisters that have married and moved out the house, and I am the last at home. I am male and 25years of age.As i mentioned my parents being old school.. as kids or teenagers my sisters never dated like "normal teenage girls do" we were extremely sheltered as kids and I never had girlfriends, as I just never felt I needed one.I have had many girls that are friends..etc.. but never anything romantic. I never brought a girl home, and once there was a girl that I was really keen on, but we chatted mostly on the net and when I met her the chemistry and spark was not there as it was over the net.. then I realized that I am officially attracted to guys!I had a few long distance relationships with guys as I felt it was a comfort zone for me and I didnt have to deal with that issue. I worked seven days a week so I didnt have much time for a social life, nor love life.. so for 5 years I just focused on work and working hard with my dad!We sold the business which resulted in me having time to have a social life, but not without a guilty conscious from my mother and during this time I went out and partied would arrive home late around 2am to find my mom up and waiting for me and telling me she is worried about my safety and where i am and who I am with etc.. which I understood, but then it started to get worse as she started getting depressed cause I always had some or other function. My mother thinks I am still 16 years old and she in fact makes me depressed whenever i go out as she says she is conserned about who i hang out with and that I am always out and that I have changed! and when am I going to find a girl and get married. since my sisters go married and moved out I became the son that did everything at home, and helped with everything around the house and in short I was doing all the things that they should do as they always pull the trick of "you get things done quicker".. so they have become accustomed to me doing lots of things!This is my situation.. during this time of not having a business, and exploring my own life, I met and fell in love with a guy, and I started experiencing life and going out as a couple and making new couple friends, a lifestyle that I was never aware of and I enjoy being in a relationship with him and he makes me very happy and he has helped me learn things about myself!My problem, my family do not know, and I have never advertised that I am gay, nor do I act flamboyant or feminine etc... I feel that my sisters might suspect that I am, because I have never had an offical girlfriend but nether my sisters or myself have said or approached the situation.. HOWEVER I feel i need to tell them.I don't know if my mother suspects either, but sometimes she just acts naive and with her shying away from people, I dont know if she is naive in thinking that I am partying it up as a single guy or if something is happening with me!?On weekends I see my boyfriend, and sometimes I stay over, and my reasoning for staying over to my folks is that I am staying over with friends because we have parties and instead of driving back home late at night I stay over and chill and do what people do on weekends and enjoy my time, which isn't a lie as when we go out I will be in the biggest trouble for arriving home the next morning and at 25 I just dont want that stress.. so I rather stay over and enjoy it!I've never particularly had the freedom when I was younger to stay over at friends places cause it was not allowed, when I worked and had a party I had to leave early cause of work, and I couldn't travel cause I had to work!My mother has now become depressed cause I have a social life that she has no control over, she doesnt know my friends and nor do I feel that I have to discuss what I do on the weekends and feel that I am entitled to my own private life like everyone elseI worked for six years every day of my life and never had time for anything else, and only now in this past year of meeting my boyfriend have I discovered what life is!What worries me is that my family have this image of me being the perfect bachelor and bring home a good Italian girl and make everyone happy and follow what society wants! My parents are old school and being "gay" is something different and even on tv when my dad sees someone gay he has real mean comments and gets uncomfortable and changes the channel.When I get a new business I want to move out as when I was working non stop I never thought of moving out as it was something that didnt came to mind as during that time I always thought perhaps I'd find the right girl etc...get married and move out!That has not happened as you can see!This is getting exhausting cause I want to spend time with him over the weekends or whenever and be able to go out without guilt trips and not have to plan my weekends so that I please everyone and so that my mother doesnt have a fit and now my mother is getting all depressed cause all she does at home is sit and watch tv.. and when I go out she sulks and if I have a hectic weekend and stay over she cries.. and when I tell her she needs to go out with my dad she says she doesnt want to.. then I get told that her blood pressure is getting high cause she is hyper tensive.. then that her heart beats too fast when I am not home... etc.. so I get the guilt trip of note from her and manipulated and I want to move out when I start working again, and become financially stable and move out and live my own life!I will be moving out when I start work and I am worried about my parents cause their life revolves around me, and I want the freedom that normal people have. I feel like people younger than me who are at home in their own circumstances dont have half the issues I have and honestly I just dont know what else to do
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depressed, fell in love, long distance, moved out, shy, spark, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (1 February 2011):
 Sorry about the first bit, but I left it in, to try to approximate what your mother probably thinks.
Good luck, don't worry so much, it will turn out ok. :)
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 February 2011):
Traditional Families... yes there are strong restrictions on your sisters, but the same restrictions don't apply to you. I'm aware that's it's difficult for you to bring a different girl home every week, but your parents and family expect a young Italian man to be dating.
Mothers wanting you to spend time at home is nothing to do with being traditional or Italian. It happens to tons of people all over the world. Your mother is using emotional blackmail. Tell her, it's her husband she should be worried about, not her son, and if she doesn't let you out, then she won't get her grandchildren.
If you stay at home and don't get girls, she'll start to feel more ashamed when people start to wonder if your gay. Your mother is not your responsibility. If she's lonely she needs to go and talk to her husband.
I know it's hard, but ignore her. That's what your father probably did to his mother, otherwise he wouldn't have got married.
She has daughters, tell her to go and call them. I'm assuming she's Catholic, so tell her to go to the church and help out.
If she's depressed, she can go see a doctor and a counsellor. If she's lonely, she needs to find friends, spend time with her daughters and go do things with her husband.
If you don't break away, your parents will still be upset and ashamed of you, if you remain a sad, lonely virgin at the age of 62.
Your a man, act like one, that's what your mother really expects, anything less will destroy her more than the irritated feelings she's having at the moment.
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Opps, so your gay and she may not get her grandchildren. Your right, she's probably guessed and this is what is upsetting her. No problem, she rather have you happy than single, as long as she doesn't have to know the details.
Why do you have to tell your sisters? Anyway it's your call.
Don't tell your parents. As far as your concerned, your meeting and dating lots of people and nothing is permanent enough for you to bring home.
Your mum sure would like you to bring a girl home. Don't you have any girl friends. But you sound so honest and decent, you probably don't deal in lies. Your sex life is your own business. If they ask why you can't come home, tell your father "hey dad, why can't single men stay at home" and wink... your father should get the hint and pull your mother in.
Have your fun, move out when you want. Tell your parents no woman is good enough for you and when your mum bitches and makes up noise, ignore her, learn to go deaf. Some mums like to make up noise no matter what you do. It's not your responsibility to take care of her, that's why she has daughters and a husband. She's not alone, and she's not poor and disabled, she's using emotional blackmail to force you to do what she wants. Ignore her.
Where is the rest of your family, aunts, cousins, uncles... can't you invite them over for dinner.
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