A
female
age
51-59,
*irstlady
writes:Back in July I found out that my husband was having an affair. He broke it off with her in September. Somewhere in the end of November I found out that they were back together Then I found out that she had deliberately taken measures (without him knowing) to get pregnant. She told him to walk away, that it was just that she wanted something to remember the love that they shared. He didn't walk away (from the child), it's his child, she is a single mom and he feels the child needs to know it's daddy. I support that... it's not the child's fault how it came into the world. He is staying with me and we are now in the process of looking for a less expensive house so that we will be able to pay child support when the time comes. He says that he is done with her, but I don't think that's true, I think he wants to be done but she is too much of a manipulating person and he can't stand up to her. I am so scared to trust again. I love him, he is a great guy who made some very wrong decisions. She (the OW) has him convinced that she didn't do this to get him to leave me. She is trying to come up with solutions, one of them is that he can stay with me until our daughter has left home (maybe in 8 years) in the mean time he can't have any intimacy with me. She gets that part and I get the facade of a family. She's desperate and will stop at nothing and there seems to be something about her that is blinding him. I just wish she would leave him alone and let him be with his family. I wish he would really make that desicion and stand up and leave her once and for all, and not fall for her enticements. What do I do? I have tried to keep it all together for the sake of our daughter and me too I just want my family back.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): Hi Sweetie,
I think you should walk away and start again, it's going to be so hard for you if you don't, I don't think I could cope emotionally with this situation and no woman should have to! Be strong and move on, you deserve so much better!
xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): Hi - I answered before and just saw your reply. Ok so the house is not a big issue so I guess the main concern is that you want your family life as you knew it back and don't want to share him with her On the one hand she says she got pregnant not to keep him but to have a memory (I don't suppose she was really thinking about what she was bringing the baby into ........most people just keep some old valentine cards or presents but never mind!). Well I know some women say they love their husbands enough to share them if the alternative means losing them but what kind of marriage would that be? And usually, my understanding is that when a wife allows her husband to 'discreetly play away' she gets a full married life, including sex. I personally would find it too painful. I think you are being extremely generous about it this to them both and it is time to think of yourself. You could suggest that he has a complete break from her to give him a chance to put his marriage back on track and go for marriage guidance therapy?? If she deliberately got pregnant against his wishes, as he claims, he will not feel guilty about trying to make his marriage work. She can't make him do anything he doesn't want to go, so it still comes back to him. I would focus on talking to him about things and also show him that you are strong and have your own life too as men seem to find this very attractive! Let him know what you would like but keep him guessing a bit too cos at the moment he seems to have two women handed to him on a plate both trying to keep him. I'm not sure if this is any help but good luck - arrghh Men!! x
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A
female
reader, firstlady +, writes (16 February 2008):
firstlady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel that I must clarify that it is indeed me who is pushing for the move not him. We live in a very nosy and gossipy neighborhood and for my and my daughters sake I don't want to be living here when this comes out. I have been wanting to move before this happened. Also it means that our daughter will be able to walk to school till the end of highschool instead of a 20 minute bus ride there and back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): I just want to clarify that with moving comes many advantages....our daughter will no longer have to have a long bus ride (which she really doesn't care for) to and from school. She will be able to walk. My present neighborhood is very close knit and I am not really part of that closeness. So for me and my daughters sake I want to move. My husband is actually the one trying to figure out how we can keep this house. I am pushing for the move.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): She is desperate to keep him around. You want him back. He is the one who had an affair and got her pregnant (sorry if that sounds harsh it's not meant o be harsh to you it was directed at him). I'm not sure I believe that she tricked him into the pregnancy but as there's no proof of that we really can't say. It feels as though he is hiding behind two women and not being much of a real man at the moment. I agree with you about making marriages work and keeping the family together and I think it is incredibly good of you to forgive him and give him another chance. I don't agree that you should downgrade your house so that he can pay child support. If he is telling the truth and she 'tricked' him into the pregnancy then why should your standard of living be reduced. Even if she didn't trick him into it, his wife and children should not have to buy a smaller house. How about him getting a better paid, or extra job? Has he actually come right out and said what he wants. i have noticed that frequently, weak men accuse women of being 'manipulative' when it suits them. He probably finds it far easier to be the victim caught between his wife and and unscrupulous mistress than he does to stand up as a man and be honest. You could always divorce him for adultery and keep your current house. If you do decide to make a go of it with him, it must be on your terms also as you deserve a full and loving marriage. He can be a good father to all of his children without having to have two women! Your children need you to be happy, strong and fulfilled and you in turn will get so much love and respect back from them. Also, the children need to have good adult role models for their own future development and relationships. Marriage guidance therapy may be a good thing to consider here if you think that might help. Regarding mistresses, they take their chances and they must know it is gamble messing around with a married man so she cannot hold him or you to any arrangements that you are not comfortable with unless he lets her or wants to do it. In my experience men do what they want to do and they don't do things when they don't want to do them, on the whole. Good luck x
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (15 February 2008):
 Irish and I have butted heads on this issue numerous times over the past couple of years. This time I am going to agree with her on SOME aspects. I have been that man (I wasn't married though) and the bottom line he has to stand up and be a man. Take control of the situation. He has to do his part as far as Child Support and visitation goes with the courts. Then he can focus his attention on his family. As for you, you have to forgive and put it behind you (easier said than done I know). Its obvious you made the decision to stay so now you have to make the effort to make it work. You have to take control also and lay down the law as to what you will take and what you will expect and be willing to get out if need be. This is your life too. Let him know that this is the mess that he created and its his job to mend the pieces with your help, not the other way around. People make mistakes(I know cause I did the same thing). The thing is to learn from those mistakes and grown as an adult. You are to be commended for what you're doing and how you are working to keep your family. I wish you all the best and remember. People can only do to you what you allow them to do. Don't allow this woman to dictate your life and don't allow your husband to dictate how you are treated...
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (15 February 2008):
 Hi
What a nightmare! I hate to say this, and i mean that too, but i dont get why women avoid blaming their husbands and focus on the other woman. Its a denial thing to be honest. You must love him so much that you are willing to put up with all this. It would be very unlikely she would get pregnant 'without him knowing' the fact hes cheated on you without using a condom, and risked your health would have me turfing him out to go live with her, and i would be down the std clinic faster than my short legs would carry me!
He split with her then went back with her.
At the end of the day, if he hurts you once, shame on him, if he hurts you twice, shame on you.
Its a rocky road ahead, and if you can stick with him after all this i take my hat off to you.
Your child needs a mother with a stable mind, not a father thats sharing his time with another woman, messing with your head, even if she is the mother of her half sibling.
You will go round the twist if that 'arrangement' the other woman's suggesting happens.
I feel for her too, shes saddled herself with a low lifes child now.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): You are clinging desperately to a man who doesn't deserve your love and committment. Your husband made a promise, in front of god, to love and honor you in marriage. Now he has broken that promise. You have a monumental, painful decision to make. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't hesitiate to get him out of the house. IThe mistress may be manipulativie but so is your husband. It's your husband who has betrayed you and your family All your anger and pain should be directed at him, where it belongs.
You already know what you'll have, if you stay in this marriage. There will be turmoil, torture, heartache, self-doubts and deep, deep hurt, every single day. If you want to keep your marriage together then you need to forgive him and accept the situation, as is. Can you do do that? Already you a suffer emotionally, already you have downsize to another home so he can support her child. He will be around her and this child for the next 20 years! If this isn't how you want to spend the rest of your life, then you must be prepared to give him his walking papers and jump into the future, the unknown, without him. Become strong and develop yourself and your life so you are not to so 'focused and centered' on this man. Do something for you. You need to experience the empowerment of seeing what life is like, without him. A single, independent life can be very rewarding for a woman..especially if she fully understands that she is and will remain a beautiful, 'whole' person. So...do you ask him to go or stay? It's your decision and your life. Isn't it time to lay claim to that, again..your life? I wish you the best, stay strong, re-focus yourself and make a decision that makes YOU happy. Good luck.
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